After 36 years of marriage, my wife (57) thinks I am someone else now.

[BrianS]

After 36 years of marriage, my wife (57) thinks I am someone else now. If I say I am her husband she gets anoyed and says "don't start that again". She also thinks there are several men living in our house now and if I, for example, go downstairs, my wife when she comes down also will mention "that person I was talking to upstairs" ....
Even though my wife doesn't think I am her husband, we still share the same bed and she seems to still like my company. My fear is that this will change. Anyone else experiencing similar situations?

 

[ellejay]

Hi Brian, Welcome.
I'm sorry, I have no experience of what you are going through, but didn't want your post to go unnoticed.
I'm sure there are Tpers who share your problems & hope some will be along soon.

Take care

Lin x

 

[tre]

When my husband had a crisis last Autumn he did not recognise me when he awaoke a night and was quite aggressive. He said I was an evil ghost. He did recognise me during the day but was also having scarey hallucinations about dangerous dust and having eaten dirt. He did not want to go out and I could not watch TV or radio as he thought everything related to him personally and was terrified. We could only listen to music on the radio and I had to turn the sound down during the news.This was really horrid and I can imagine how you must feel especially after such a long marriage.
My husband was reviewed at the hospital and his medication was changed and the problem is resolved for the present. He goes out and enjoys it, recognises me, has no hallucinations or bad dreams any more. However, looking at the NICE website with regard to the new medication memantine there is some stuff regarding QUALYS which seems to suggest the benefit may only be for 12 weeks. He has been on the new meds from December so if that is correct I am expecting the S**t to hit the fan any day now. So far there is no evidence of this so I am hoping this twelve weeks stuff is perhaps just an average and the benefits will last longer for us.
Even if things do regress for us I would still say three months of respite from this have been wonderful.
This is such a difficult illness to cope with
Tre

 

[Christin]

Hello Brian, I cared for my FIL, so my experiences are of course different to yours. I can say, though, that he did often greet me several times each day, often in different rooms, he too seemed to think I was a different person when he walked from one room to another. He often thought I was his wife, and he liked to sit with me. We drank so many cups of tea

Its great that your wife likes your company, and I do hope that doesn't change for you. All I can say to you is that my FIL always recognised us as friendly faces, and liked to be with us.

Very best wishes to you both. x

 

[Jo1958]

Brian, hello and a warm welcome to Talking Point
My husband doesn't know me either, he keeps talking to me but it is obvious that it isn't me that he is talking to, he is happy and content but thinks that there are a few of me around at different times, I just keep on keeping on and answer as 'me' when he asks where I am to the other 'me'.

But goodness it is hard and heartbreaking when we aren't there but are, my heart goes out to you after all those wonderful years together and now you have this.
I look forward to seeing you around the site and hearing how things are going,
with best wishes from Jo

 

[2jays]

So sorry you are having to deal with this side of the %^&*(()&^R$ disease - so painful

have read that sometimes you dont look like the person they have in their mind (20years younger or so) she may not recognise you as her husband - how could she be married to this "old man" when she is only 25 - so difficult to live with - my mum considers me as her sister sometimes (she never had one) as I am too old (a bit past 50) to be her daughter who is only 23 (ooh I wish)

When I am visiting mum and I need mum to "see me" as her daughter (for my benefit) I talk to her when I am out of sight - she has no problem with me when we speak on the phone - I have never been her sister on the phone.....

really strange, difficult to understand and hurtful how this disease presents its self isnt it?

thinking of you
xx

 

[BrianS]

thank you

Hi Lin,
Appreciate your message, that was kind of you to reply. I have had some other replies already. This forum is new to me but already, it looks like it can be helpful and supportive.
You take care also,
Brian x

Hi Brian, Welcome.
I'm sorry, I have no experience of what you are going through, but didn't want your post to go unnoticed.
I'm sure there are Tpers who share your problems & hope some will be along soon.

Take care

Lin x

 

[Big Geordie]

Hi Brian, just a short note of welcome and to ask you a question. My wife is 50 and suffers from AD. She still recognises me (but i'am not sure she understands the husband concept anymore) and we have a relatively normal life, however she has all her female relatives jumbled. Her older sister is her daughter, her niece is her sisters "other sister" and our daughter is her sister, her mother in law is just a person with a name. However this only becomes apparent when she is trying to communicate or is asked a direct question, it never manifests itself with the people themselves. When she actually see's them she acts and behaves in a way apropriate to the actual relationship, and there never appears to be a problem. My question to you is really whether its possible your wife is confused by the words and vocabulary relating to "husband" and is questioning your statement as opposed to actually being in disagreement with your relationship with her for which she no longer has a word in her vocabulary to describe. It certainly appears that your relationship is sound and appears secure so perhaps its better not to worry about what might be and enjoy what actually is. Hope you understand what i'am driving at and welcome to the relatively small but "elite" group of male carers of EOD sufferers on TP, lol. Big Geordie

 

[Bastan]

After 36 years of marriage, my wife (57) thinks I am someone else now. If I say I am her husband she gets anoyed and says "don't start that again". She also thinks there are several men living in our house now and if I, for example, go downstairs, my wife when she comes down also will mention "that person I was talking to upstairs" ....
Even though my wife doesn't think I am her husband, we still share the same bed and she seems to still like my company. My fear is that this will change. Anyone else experiencing similar situations?

Hello Brian,

I had this experience with my husband. He forgot very soon after diagnosis that we were married. At first I tried to remind him, I'd tell him how we met, I was sixteen, he was 20. Show him our wedding photo's, tell him I was a child bride (18). Talk about our first house, our first child, name her, our 2nd home, our 2nd child, name her. Our son (the icing on the cake for him) name him.

It made no difference, his usual response was "give over," he once said to daughter 2, "What about you, do you believe this nonsense." It still upsets me when I recall her saying "It's true Dad" and the look of rejection on her face will haunt me forever.

Like you and your wife, we still shared the same bed, had good times. In fact, one day he asked me to marry him!!

Unfortunately Brian, with this disease everything changes. However, please don't waste too much time worrying about changes, just try to make the most of this time. It's great that she enjoys your company.

love and understanding Bastan. x

 

[wjoanne918]

Hi Brian,
My dad has the same issue with my mum, she's 58 and she call's my dad different name's, the latest one is "Mr Pope", the thing is one of my Dad's best friends is "Mr Pope", they still share a bed and sometimes she calls him by his name. She has no idea who I am and she looks at me as if I'm crazy when I call her mum but I cant call her by her name that would seem so disrespectfull, my Dad told me that when he went to wake her the other day she told him to be quiet because the man next to her was still sleeping (obviously there was no one there). My mum is also nasty to my dad on a daily basis but if he is out of her sight for any length of time she looks for him and says his name so I think like you said she still likes his company. It must be difficult for you watching your wife this way, I hope you find TP a help, I have and my Dad has although indeirectly because he doesnt feel confident enough to post himself but he reads the posts. Good Luck wjoanne918

 

[Ephraim]

Hi Brian,
Sorry to hear you are going through an unpleasant stage. It is so hurtful when loved one's with alzheimers and dementia start to not recognise us.
The specific area of your post which I wanted to reply to is that of the 'other people' in the house. These hallucinations are as a direct result of the dementia condition and are common. However, the person suffering from the disease may either see 'the people' as friends or risks. Be watchful of how they appear to affect your wife. If the hallucinations become a problem, advise your memory clinic nurse, psychiatrist or social worker. There are drugs which can help and which will hopefully eventually make the hallucinations stop.
I hope this advice may be useful. It is based on my experience.
best wishes,
Ephraim

 

[susan83]

After 36 years of marriage, my wife (57) thinks I am someone else now. If I say I am her husband she gets anoyed and says "don't start that again". She also thinks there are several men living in our house now and if I, for example, go downstairs, my wife when she comes down also will mention "that person I was talking to upstairs" ....
Even though my wife doesn't think I am her husband, we still share the same bed and she seems to still like my company. My fear is that this will change. Anyone else experiencing similar situations?

my mum often thinks my dad is hers, she often thinks im there for her money, not knowing im her daughter.it is heartbreaking and i really feel for you xx

 

[BrianS]

Hi Bastan,
It does sound like you experienced similar things...... yes it is heartbreaking when we have spent so much time together. My wife is almost convinced sometimes (by our daughter) who I am but at least I can still make her laugh and she likes my company (as long as I don't get "grumpy" .... her words!)
Am I right in thinking your husband is in care now? At what stage did that happen?
Thank you for responding to my original post.
Brian x

Hello Brian,

I had this experience with my husband. He forgot very soon after diagnosis that we were married. At first I tried to remind him, I'd tell him how we met, I was sixteen, he was 20. Show him our wedding photo's, tell him I was a child bride (18). Talk about our first house, our first child, name her, our 2nd home, our 2nd child, name her. Our son (the icing on the cake for him) name him.

It made no difference, his usual response was "give over," he once said to daughter 2, "What about you, do you believe this nonsense." It still upsets me when I recall her saying "It's true Dad" and the look of rejection on her face will haunt me forever.

Like you and your wife, we still shared the same bed, had good times. In fact, one day he asked me to marry him!!

Unfortunately Brian, with this disease everything changes. However, please don't waste too much time worrying about changes, just try to make the most of this time. It's great that she enjoys your company.

love and understanding Bastan. x

 

[chucky]

My dad always asks where his wife is even though shes sitting right next to him. He acknowledges that shes there but somehow doesnt think shes his wife. Mum had a stroke and is in a wheelchair and i wondered if that confuses him because "his wife" could walk. Sometimes he reaches over and touches her legs and you can see on his face hes puzzled by it.

 

[normal]

After 36 years of marriange. . .

Brian, does your wife exhibit any other dilusions or hallucinations and/or trouble walking with rigidity? Many people are misdiagnosed with Alzheimer's when they may actually have Lewy Body Dementia (LBD)which consists of dementia, Parkinson's and hallucinations. Please know that I am not suggesting this but just asking. Some people with LBD also experience Capgras Syndrome. Someone with this syndrome may think that their spouses are imposters or "duplicates" of the "real" spouse. It can also apply to two apartments that look the same or two pets when there is actually only one.

 

[antipodes]

I don't post often here but your thread caught my eye. When Mum had quite advanced Alzhiemer's, she forgot who all of us were, or mostly, she seemed to remember my aunts funnily enough. She would call my dad "that man" to other peopl and said things like "that funny man over there - I don't know who he is, but he does take care of me, he cooks the dinner you know!" Of course now that mum is long gone, that makes us smile, but at the time it was really hard for my dad. She was sometimes afraid of him as she couldn't work out why there was a strange man in her house, yet they did have the same bedroom!. She went through a long phase of a lot of paranoia, escaping outside (dad had to lock the house in the end), and feeling like she was really in unfamiliar surroundings. Very sadly, the progression of the disease lessened that stress as she became more dependent.
I do feel for you, you are lucky that she still sees you as "company", I would say that maybe don't try and insist on the fact that you are her husband if she is letting that go. I often wondered if it was more stressful to have someone saying you are married, you have a son etc, when the person really didn't believe it. Maybe if you say something like, "I'm here looking after you, shall we have tea/a walk etc", she will find that more helpful?

 

[Looby]

After 36 years of marriage, my wife (57) thinks I am someone else now. If I say I am her husband she gets anoyed and says "don't start that again". She also thinks there are several men living in our house now and if I, for example, go downstairs, my wife when she comes down also will mention "that person I was talking to upstairs" ....
Even though my wife doesn't think I am her husband, we still share the same bed and she seems to still like my company. My fear is that this will change. Anyone else experiencing similar situations?

Hello Brian - my Dad went through this with my Mum and found it extremely distressing. More recently I have experienced the same behaviour with my Aunt. She thought that people were getting into her house via the chimney and when she went to the Day Centre that people were in her house wearing her clothes and using her things. She became so paranoid about this that she would go to bed fully clothed; with shoes & winter coat on!! She would get very aggressive with me when I tried to coax her into undressing. However, this all passed when she started Aricept. She is now in a Home but a completely different person. No paranoia or anxiety anymore. Very happy and content. I hope this is just one of the many phases of this dreadful disease and that it passes. Be strong and hold onto the fact that this isn't your wife as she was. Looby

 

[cathy baldwin]

Hi Brian

This is such a difficult aspect of dementia that many people struggle with, you are not alone in your feelings.
It is important to remember that the person is not deliberately setting out to hurt us with the things they say and do, the physical damage to the brain can challenge our perception of the world and the people around us in ways that are difficult to understand. Factual information is something we rely on to make sense of the situations we find ourselves in, but for a person with dementia, this 'bookshelf' of information is damaged, creating a different sense of reality.
Try to let go of the facts and respond to the feelings or emotions your wife is giving you, while she may not be able to place you in your reality, she will be very aware of how you make her feel and will respond much more quickly to this.
Holding on to the details is something we do easily but can be very confusing when the information just isn't there to be had. If you can let this go and try to be 'in the moment' with her, you can often avoid upset and further confusion.
Ask yourself if it is honestly that important that she can state your name or is it more important that she feels happy just to be around you?
I know this is easier said than done but hope you may find some comfort in this.

best wishes
Cathy

 

[binsie]

After 36 years of marriage, my wife (57) thinks I am someone else now. If I say I am her husband she gets anoyed and says "don't start that again". She also thinks there are several men living in our house now and if I, for example, go downstairs, my wife when she comes down also will mention "that person I was talking to upstairs" ....
Even though my wife doesn't think I am her husband, we still share the same bed and she seems to still like my company. My fear is that this will change. Anyone else experiencing similar situations?

Hello Brian, I'm going through exactly the same situation as you are. I showed my wife photo's of our wedding but she says that I am an impostor and, of course, we all look a lot different now. My wife also thinks that other people are living in the house and stealing her things which is endorsed when she puts things away and then can't find them again. She also used to get up in the night, or often never go to bed and just walk round the house all the time.

We live in Italy and my wife's condition was confirmed after blood tests and scans and she is now taking 2 half tablets of Risperidone Sandoz per day which appear to have calmed her mood swings and she now sleeps the night through. She still hallucinates about other people and tells me things that we have done together over the years as though I am someone else. She has difficulty dressing sometimes as well.

I'm just grateful for small mercies now like a full nights sleep and not being told to get out of her house etc. so I just go along with her tales of other people. Sometimes I've said that the people in the spare room have gone away for a few days and she seems to accept that.

I won't go on about the many other behavioural quirks just to say good luck and I hope that you can get some medication that may help a little

Best regards

Jim

 

[plumtious]

after 36 years of marriage

Hi Brian
I think this is awfully common. I attend a carer's group for people with dementia under 65. Don't know how I'd cope without them. I'm 52 and my husband 65 and has had dementia for a lot longer than we realised. He still knows who I am but relies entirely on me for everything including all aspects of personal care due to incontinence problems. I'm afraid we don't still share the same bed. I wasn't getting any sleep and still had to get everything done the next day. I am now a mother rather than a wife and our relationship has completely changed from a loving and caring one to a battling one with me having to learn how to deal with a complete stranger. It's really very hard and you say things like I'm going to look after him come what may. That's what you say in your marriage vows isn't it. But my goodness its a very difficult job. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he didn't know who I was, I'd be able to understand better and think of this new role as a job. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, there's loads of us. Have just read a very good book called the Selfish Pig's Guide to caring. It helps and is quite lighthearted also written from a man's perspective.
Good luck
Cathy