Affair

[Nameless]

I feel pretty stupid posting this. My OH has early onset and we are coping with it as best we can. His Alzheimer’s has progressed quite a bit since his diagnosis, a bit over two years ago. I have a good friend whom I’ve known for many years and can always talk to. A while ago we ended up in bed, instead of just talking. We are really discreet about it and my OH will never learn of this. On one side I feel very guilty, we’ve been together for over 25 years and we were always honest which each other. On the other side, I really enjoy the other arrangement, it’s like an escape.

 

[jenniferpa]

I'm not sure what you want to hear. Do I think it's a good idea? Probably not due to the fact that it's tough to do this without emotional entanglement. On the other hand, this is your life.

I just think caring for someone with dementia is guilt inducing enough.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I feel pretty stupid posting this. My OH has early onset and we are coping with it as best we can. His Alzheimer’s has progressed quite a bit since his diagnosis, a bit over two years ago. I have a good friend whom I’ve known for many years and can always talk to. A while ago we ended up in bed, instead of just talking. We are really discreet about it and my OH will never learn of this. On one side I feel very guilty, we’ve been together for over 25 years and we were always honest which each other. On the other side, I really enjoy the other arrangement, it’s like an escape.

Don't understand why are you are posting this here, it's not really any ones business but yours unless you are seeking approval.

It is your decision to have an affair and it is likely to become more than just an no strings attached type of relationship and will probably end your marriage and then it really would be an escape for you.

Can't say I blame you though as you know what the future holds for your husband and yourself.

 

[Guitargeorge]

The stress of caring and the craving of a 'normal' life can make you do things out of character I suppose. I wouldn't feel guilty about it. Its done now, if it makes you feel better and you enjoy it, who is anyone else to criticise or judge. You know what is best for you.

 

[Nameless]

Of course I’m not looking for approval, I’m trying to make sense of this. This won’t end our marriage, I would never leave my OH alone. It’s more of a shortterm escape, a break from Alzheimer’s.

 

[Mudgee Joy]

You seem to able to take it nice and lightly ! I think that’s great.

 

[jaymor]

Please remember this is an open forum and you don’t need to be a member to read posts.

 

[love.dad.but..]

A few wives of residents at the NH where dad was had a similar discussion when we last met for supper. A elderly chap who's wife had been cared for 15 years at home and last 5 in the NH has developed a relationship over time with someone. He is the sweetest chap we knew as he had gently dropped hints to us during chats I think to explain trips away not justify...he does not need to do that. None of us have made any judgements it is not our place to do that. At the wives supper out of 6...4 said though they understand absolutely not...the other 2 probably not but could understand the loneliness of losing a partner to dementia long before end of life. Personally I wouldn't but I am not in your shoes or circumstances and it is only you who can decide if this is what you feel comfortable with and that you feel it makes no difference to your husband or his care.

 

[Countryboy]

(a) If your OH is your husband then your committing adultery (b) obviously this other guy {friend} is not a friend of you OH is he, my take on this your going to bed with this friend doesn’t make it acceptable or ok because your OH has dementia your using it as an excuse, its similar to telling lies no such thing as a white lie if you tell lies you’re a liar , and if OH is your husband you’re an Adulteries sorry for being so direct but we all have different morals and your telling the story and I’m replying to that maybe as some suggest your post is not for TP { also maybe my remarks are because like your OH i have Dementia diagnoses }

 

[Lawson58]

Of course I’m not looking for approval, I’m trying to make sense of this. This won’t end our marriage, I would never leave my OH alone. It’s more of a shortterm escape, a break from Alzheimer’s.

Please believe me that I am not being judgemental about your situation.

I can understand that after caring for a couple of years that it is not unusual to need some escape to take your mind off the dreary life you have been living, and you would not be the first to find a friend with benefits to divert you.

But there are diversions and escapes that may create havoc with your emotions and others that will benefit your wellbeing and I think you need to stop and consider what damage you could inflict on yourself by straying off into a sexual affair. These affairs frequently tangle the emotions which perhaps you don't need at the moment.

You may well find yourself split in two - wanting desperately to be with your friend but having to clean up after your husband after he has made a mess. Caring is exhausting enough without stirring a huge pot of the unknown and what trouble you could be cooking up for yourselves.

You might do better to go for brisk walk along a beach, meet friends for coffee, go for a bike ride. All good escapes and far less dangerous for you.

 

[Alison N]

Is this the right forum for this discussion? I am sure your wedding vows included ‘forsaking all others’ as mine did

 

[jenniferpa]

Is this the right forum for this discussion? I am sure your wedding vows included ‘forsaking all others’ as mine did

Well it's not the wrong forum. I mean I'm not sure any of us can give much input into what is an extremely personal matter, but it's not an off limits subject and it does come up occasionally.

As for your last point: the wording of wedding ceremonies vary.

 

[jenniferpa]

Moderator note: potentially sensitive discussions such as this will be closely monitored.

 

[Malalie]

Well that's a brave post, and I'm sure that you are not the first carer who has been in this situation.

I'm not married to someone who has dementia, (and early onset dementia as a partner must be particularly devastating..) just experience with someone I loved, so I'm probably not the right person to comment, but here goes., I have two points to make.

Somebody mentioned previously about the guilt that carers suffer whilst having to make decisions about their loved ones. Starts off with the little love lies, notes to the doctor that they can't see, talking about them behind their back on forums...... Life is difficult and you may have to do things that will make you feel disloyal and treacherous to the person you love. It doesn't go away even when they are dead. I just wonder that if what you are doing is going to make you feel so much worse in the end.

Second point is that although you know that OH is a vulnerable person with his illness, you must realise that you are disorientated, sad, lost and thus vulnerable too. Having a good old friend that you can talk to and understands and sympathises is a wonderful thing, but a friend should be looking after you, not taking advantage of you in your hour of need.

Living with someone with dementia is horrible, and maybe you should think twice before you complicate your life even more... Gin works quite well .... XX

 

[Mark_W]

Hi as this thread has run it's course and was moving in an unconstructive direction we've locked it to new posts.

Best Wishes