advise please from peole when do you know you cant cope any more

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by bel, Dec 28, 2006.

  1. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    at what stage i know it is differant for every one but i am not dealing with this change from wife to mum -lover carer banker provider nurse
    i need others advice on When you let the one you love go as a child
    help any one i know i have got to stop trying to make him feel like he is ok
    bel x
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Bel, for every one of us it is different. I cannot now remember quite when, but I realised that what I was trying to do for Lionel was not always what he wanted.

    Yes, we try to make everything alright for them, we try to involve them in everything, but, for me, the day dawned when I just knew that I was putting too much pressure on Lionel by trying to keep him 'normal'.

    I very gradually stopped doing things that needed too much input from me. He, just as slowly, found his own level. I was only saying today how calm Lionel now is. There is no more pressure on him to "perform", just total acceptance of Lionel how he is.

    This is only my own way of dealing with the past 18 months. Right or wrong, who knows. Stay strong sweetheart, love
     
  3. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Bel
    there is no answer,it will be when you really feel that you cannot cope,any longer.
    I lurch from day to day,some days I cannot cope and I am telling myself this is it.
    Then I get through that day and cope again until the next time I hit bottom.
    No one can advise us,we have to make the decision and take it when there are no good days left.
    Norman
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,569
    Kent
    Dear, Dear Bel, There came a time when I had to be honest to my husband, as well as myself.
    I knew he had Alzheimers, our son knew and so did our family and friends. My husband also knew, but he didn`t really know what it meant.
    Now, whenever he has a bad day, or a bad hour I tell him it`s because he has Alzheimers. He asks for tablets, I tell him he is getting all the tablets available. He has a lapse, I tell him I`m logging it to see if there`s a pattern. Slowly, slowly I think he`s beginning to realize he will get worse.
    When this first started, he was cross when I tried to help him. Now he is accepting it. When it first started, I cried every time I had to help him. Now I seem to be getting used to it.
    I`ve now stopped trying to pretend nothing`s wrong. When he`s bad, I`m sorry, when he`s OK, I try to make the most of it.
    At the moment, I`m feeling pretty strong, but I don`t expect it to last. I also don`t know how I`ll be when I come to the next milestone. All I can do, is play it by ear. I think that`s all anyone can do.
    Chin up Bel. You can do it. Love Sylvia x
     
  5. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Bel hi,

    Its a real bitch isn't it! I found it very difficult to cope with the change from husband/lover to some sort of companion/nurse or whatever..

    Actually the changes have more or less propelled themselves. The latest happened just before Christmas. Our living room is on the first floor and our bedroom was on the floor above with its magnificent shower etc 'en suit' for Monique.. She became so difficult in the evenings that I moved her down to the bedroom on the same floor as the lounge - it has a bathroom and a further little bedroom beyond... Cos of her snoring I have now moved into the little bedroom and no longer sleep in the same bed... Does not seem to have worried her overmuch...

    I am looking more seriously at care homes and am thinking about a trial run of a week this summer -

    My attitude is I am going to 'play' this game for as long as I feel OK about it and the moment I am sick of it - bored with it - feel I have paid my dues - I will get out.
    (Getting out means putting her in the best home I can find and afford!)

    Michael
     
  6. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    Thanks a million

    to all
    as i have said before i do not know what i would do without you all
    i have been so desperate this last wee while he is changing so much so fast
    but knowing you are out there helps big time
    sorry cant say any more
    love bel x
     
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Bel, you're doing great. I'm having the same problems with John.

    All you can do is be guided by your husband. When he's feeling dependent, be prepared to be his mum.

    But be alert to the good days ....... or even the good moments, when you can be a loving couple again.

    Your sense of humour will see you through, and TP will help.

    Love
     
  8. nice

    nice Registered User

    Aug 24, 2006
    17
    Bel, go with his rhythms, get used to and go along with the new idiosyncrasies. Don't fight him or resist his changes, because all your doing is fighting a condition that is unchangeable. So go along with his quirks, don't make him feel abnormal. The more childlike and needy he may get, the more comfort and reassurance you give.

    When you learn to totally accept the condition he has, then you will learn to totally accept and adapt to the changes that condition induces. Don't be afraid or overly apprehensive, stay calm and go along with it and you'll be ok. :)
     
  9. nice

    nice Registered User

    Aug 24, 2006
    17
    Bel, go with his rhythms, get used to and go along with the new idiosyncrasies. Don't fight him or resist his changes, because all your doing is fighting a condition that is unchangeable. So go along with his quirks, don't make him feel abnormal. The more childlike and needy he may get, the more comfort and reassurance you give.

    When you learn to totally accept the condition he has, then you will learn to totally accept and adapt to the changes that condition induces. Don't be afraid or overly apprehensive, stay calm and go along with it and you'll be ok. :)
     
  10. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    support

    thanks a millon
    all
    love bel xx
     

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