Advise needed

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
I have become my step mums PA to help my dad get some repite.
I have been trying to take her shopping everyday for the last 3 weeks, this is what she has done all her life but its not safe for her to go alone now, but it is hard as she refuses to leave dads side and is constanly shouting at him he can't do anything right in her eyes, but he does nothing wrong only looks after her, my problem is that so far to get her to go we have tricked her saying he is going to catch us up, but today she kicked of up the street because she could not see him coming after trying to get her to go further I pretended to phone dad then told her his legs had given way and he would meet us up town in the car this carmed her down and she was fine we enjoyed our 2 hour trip going for a coffee to make it longer for us to be out.
so do I carry on tricking her and hoping for the best or is it better to tell her the truth that dad isn't well and needs a break and she has got to come with me. I know her answer will be that hes has always been ill so what is different now, she can't see that it is her as well thats ill. Dad is so much better getting his little break when I can get her to go, he is so much happier.

any advice welcome
 

BeverleyY

Registered User
Jan 29, 2008
716
Ashford, Kent
Hi Heartbroken

It's a difficult one. She will either be glad to give him a break if she see's that he needs a rest, or if she is really anxious, might just not want to leave him.

I would say, try a few fibs. Couldn't you ask her to accompany you as you want to treat your Dad to something as a surprise and don't want him to come along?? Does he have a birthday coming up? Or, maybe they have an anniversary, and you can tell her he wants to pop out to get her a present so she needs to be with you so he can get her something special.

My Dad simply doesn't do things he doesn't want to UNLESS he thinks it will benefit someone else. I have to say, he is a very gentle, mild considerate man, so maybe this is just his way.

Good luck, try a few different things I guess and see what works.

Beverley x
 

bclark

Registered User
Feb 15, 2008
68
greenhithe kent
dear heartbroken, keep doing what you are doing, one of the traits of dementia, is selfishness, my husband is very similar he cannot understand, or sometimes appreciate what i do. your dad needs a break and she did eventually enjoy herself, we all say things to ease the situation, what ever works try. well done i am new also to the site. bclark:)
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,103
Kent
Hello Heartbroken.

In order to give your father a break, I`d say anything that works is justified. If one thing doesn`t work, try something else.

I think you are wonderful to be so supportive and a few white lies won`t harm anyone.

Love xx
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
Thank you so much. I was worried that I was doing the wrong thing, I haven't told dad what happened as it will worry him and I've only just got through to him that he should not give in and come with us. I will try to use another tacktick but she is so selfish and doesn't seem to care.
she did say to me that they are trying to put her in a home so I did try to tell her thats not going to happen in the near future and thats why I am here to help her and dad, so is she realising something is wrong with her? tomorrow she will have forgotten all about it and we will start all over again, I just hope she comes with me without a argument.
 

frederickgt

Registered User
Jun 4, 2005
124
92
Hornchurch,Essex
Heartbroken

Hello .What worked for me was getting social services involved,towards the end they were taking my wwife anna away to a day centre five days a week from 10am ubtil 4 pm,which left me with time to do the things I needed to do such as shopping,cleaning and general things,will this not work for you? regards fred
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
We have got a social worker thats why I go because she would not have a stranger in the house but she had took to me.
they have said for her to go to a local nh and a group near by tht is for people with dementa and there carers/family but both dad and Edna arent the sort to mix but I am trying to get them to go, dad seemed intrested when they aid I could go as well.
I have been thinking about dad bringing her to my house then making a excuse to go but forget to come back for a few hours as I would be able to cope better with her here as she is starting to struggle walking now.
 

jillikins

Registered User
Feb 25, 2008
11
hi heartbroken,
That sounds like a good idea, I do a similar thing with mum but when she comes I set her hair.And if my hubby gets home early he can have a chat with another bloke.
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
Thanks for all the advice

we have had a good day today. I didn't get her shopping as the sw came to see how we was getting on, he has made me feel great he said that I am doing great with a difficult situation and to keep going, he is going to see if he can get someone else to come in one day a week to help to get my step mum to a group as he thinks she would like it, I have tried but so far not got there, but I will keep on trying.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,103
Kent
You are doing well and I`m glad the SW can see that.

I do hope you get her to a group. I managed it with my mother by staying with her for a day.

Love xx
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
with my past history ie I was a st john member for 10yrs and helped out the group before though it was a long time ago the sw has asked me to become a helper which I would do, so if she goes I would be there this makes me more wanting her to go, there is another one thats for both dad and edna but dad won't go hes as bad but we are working on him as we now have found out that I can go as well, so watch this space i'm trying my hardest as I know it will be good
 

Lotti

Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
52
Hi Heartbroken,

Could you try saying to mum that YOU want to go shopping just the two of you, (asking her to come with you) who needs men there. It is not easy tricking them into doing things but sometimes the only way and least confrontational.

Regards

Lotti
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
yep already tried and didn't work. I have also asked her if she could help me fetch something for my 7yr old as she is all her it worked once then she got wise but I think she might have forgot that one so will try it tomorrow, she is so much worried that dad might be seeing another women or talking about her to someone she won't leave his side, he has never had another women that was her first husband. I will keep on trying one day it could get easier and she will just come