Advise needed

[Dawnee1418]

Having had emergency surgery in December 2013 before my father was diagnosed & at a time when he was maybe just starting with his first signs getting up in the middle of the night having a shave & going back to bed. I find myself in a position of either staying long term on antibiotics so I can care for my father as long as the wound will let me or having surgery to remove infected tissue & be left with the wound to close or possible have a machine on to close the wound. Either way I would be in no fit state to look after my father when I came home for quite some time & he won't have carers in to shower him it's always me as I used to be a nurse. Not even my mother is allowed to help & I doubt she could cope with him whilst I was in hospital. It's all new to us with a diagnosis in January & my mum is finding it difficult sometimes crying / shouting at him in frustration to make him get back in bed. That's the worse times. What do I do look after my own health or consider my parents first. ? A friend has said I should have surgery as if I get any worse then I won't be able to care for him at all & I should look after my health so I can look after him ,

 

[lin1]

Listen to your wise friend S/he is right , It important no I'm wrong , it's vital that you look after yourself and have your leg properly treated. Yes this will mean in the short term ( I know it will take a while to heal) that you wont be able to do the things you normally would.
Your health and wellbeing is absolutely vital!!! and in the long term you will be there for Dad and Mum. So please please don't risk you health by not having the proper treatment you need to heal your leg

Horrid though this may sound , maybe you and your Mum should seriously consider respite care for your Dad, Their are good places around

 

[susy]

I agree with Lin1. You need to look after yourself first.
Have you tried male carers? Sometimes it's different how men react to men rather than women. I am also the only woman who can get my dad in the shower. He never offers any real argument to me nor the male carers. Hopefully this will work, you get better and you keep the carers on and all have a better quality of life xxxx

 

[marionq]

My sister has been in hospital since before Christmas with an SSI - surgical site infection. This is a very serious matter and you cannot deal with that and care for your Dad. The latter must be for the SS to deal with while you get your infected wound treated. I urge you to put yourself first in this case.

 

[opaline]

You must get the wound sorted out, what if it goes into blood poisoning, then where would they be? x

 

[keywest67]

Yes I agree with everyone you must get your own health sorted first.........my Dad had issues with help in the shower, he wouldn't let any female carers near him, in the end I found a guy who works for crossroads who he took to and it was fine.........I think if you tried to find some help that your Dad would accept then it would really take some pressure of your Mum and allow you the recovery time you need.

 

[balloo]

I agree you need to look after your self first as you will be no help later. Saying that I bath my mother in law and give her breakfast in bed as my husband does not want to see his mum I night clothes not sure what he going to do when that's all she will wear. She has vascular dementia and has lived with us for over 2 years .Oly last week I asked for a carer assessment still heard nowthing and also asked for a sitter as my daughter goes back to uni in October and then we will never get out .as it is we get out 2 times a year on our own for 3 hrs. she has offered to sit for a week but I feel that would be too much for her as she is only 21 . As carers we must keep ourselves well what ever it takes as no one else will care.

 

[Dawnee1418]

Should take my own advice

I know you're all right & would be saying the same to anyone else, I wouldnt be in this situation if the surgeon listened to me back in 2013. I begged them not to use mesh to repair the hernia as I've been in this situation before, the only problem is the surgeon wants to remove the mesh & leave me with another hernia & I don't want to go back to the pain i was in before & the risk of strangulated hernia that lead to the emergency op.
I have been told by the surgeon I can stay long term on antibiotics for now & the plastic surgeon has suggested that. I've one surgeon saying surgery & another saying antibiotics. I'm going to discuss it with my GP this afternoon. I know I can't go on indefinite like this but with dad refusing to go into respite & mum in a fragile state I feel at present until he gets to a stage where he doesn't know anything I would find it hard to force him to go into respite. He's confused as he is without taking him out of his surroundings. My mind is all over the place.
We've also tried to get him to have a male carer apart from a nice male sitter we have come sit with him for a couple of hours once a week while we have a break he refuses point blank saying it would be embarassing, yet he allows me his daughter to shower him

 

[Dawnee1418]

Been to see my GP

Having been to see my GP today I found her more helpful regarding my father than his GP who is at a different practise. She has advised me to contact Alzheimers spciety & see if someone will come out to see us. She even wanted to get the number for the local area of Leeds (Yorkshire) she said they are extremely good at advising about care that could be set up for my father whilst I went into hospital. I've emailed them so am hoping I hear something back as she has advised I have the op sooner rather than later. Mums going for cataract doing next week & I have to see haematologist at end of month but maybe once mum has had both cataracts done I'll see about having op. Going back onto antibiotics for now.

 

[Dawnee1418]

Keep pushing

I agree you need to look after your self first as you will be no help later. Saying that I bath my mother in law and give her breakfast in bed as my husband does not want to see his mum I night clothes not sure what he going to do when that's all she will wear. She has vascular dementia and has lived with us for over 2 years .Oly last week I asked for a carer assessment still heard nowthing and also asked for a sitter as my daughter goes back to uni in October and then we will never get out .as it is we get out 2 times a year on our own for 3 hrs. she has offered to sit for a week but I feel that would be too much for her as she is only 21 . As carers we must keep ourselves well what ever it takes as no one else will care.

We got a sitter after my mum & dads practise nurse referred him to social services, they were dragging their heels so I contacted my local councillor who then got in touch with the head of adult social care things moved pretty quickly after that, he's told me if I need any more help to get in touch with him & he'll see what he can do. I even managed to get a blue badge so I don't have to go with my father to hospital visits my brothers can take it in turns & use my dads badge to park as near as possible,where as I was having to go so we could use my badge.
We've not long started with the sitter started at an hour now gone to 11/2 but increasing it up to 3 once better weather comes. We can eventually have 2 days of 3 hours which is something.