advice

[laura92]

Sorry if i've posted this in the wrong section.

My dad has alzeimers, he got diagnosed about three years ago. In the last 18 days he has got worse. He tried to attack my older sister, and was sectioned 18 days ago, he got put into a hospital, and i went to visit hm yesterday and he was asleep when we arrived as he is given sedatives most of the time.
He now wears nappies, drinks out of a cup with a lid, and generally dribbles, he also has a tendancy to forget how to chew.
I hadn't seen him for about 10 weeks, and all i remember from back then was a guy who still looked like my dad, acted like my dad, only he had no idea who i was, we'd tell him i was his daughter then ten minutes later he'd wanna no who i was.
Then i went to see him yesterday and he looked nothing like my dad, he was so skinny, so pale, and his hands seemed to be yellow, i asked why this was and all i got told was he was being tested for problems with his kidney. His speech is slurred and you cant really understand what he's saying.

I never realised the affect alzheimers would have, and i never realised it would happen so quickly. The man that laid before me, scared me.

As we have found out my dad probably doesn't have long left, my sister wanted to talk about his funeral and i have said i want to keep his ashes. They've said i can have them but my mum seems to think it will have phycological effects on me to keep them. but i just don't feel ready to let him go, i'm not 15 for another two weeks, and i dnt wna lose all memories of my dad.

Does anyone have any opinions? Do you agree i should not keep his ashes when he dies?

 

[blue sea]

So sorry to hear about your dad, Laura. It may be that once he is treated for the kidney problems, he will seem a little better. This is a very cruel illness and you are having to come to terms with it and the eventual loss of your dad a very early age.

I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer to your question about keeping the ashes. My niece still has her dad's ashes in an urn in her kitchen and talks to them every now and then. I know this sounds weird but she has found it helpful in feeling her dad is still 'with her'. On the other hand I can understand that your mum perhaps feels that she would like a final resting place for the ashes. Sometimes people have them interred in a memorial at the crematorium, where they can visit. Sometimes people like to scatter the ashes at a favourite place associated with their loved one. I would try not to get too focussed on this at the moment, though. When the time comes you will be able to discuss all options with the rest of the family. There is no rush in having to decide what to do with them finally so you might agree to keep them for while and then decide on a final resting place at some time in the future. The main thing now is to support your mum and get through this difficult time together. After it is all over you will find you have many, many treasured memories of growing up with your dad to draw on to help you through the grief. His love and influence will always be with you, throughout your life. You will think of him at special moments, knowing he would be proud of your achievements and glad for your happiness as you grow into an independent woman. You will find yourself at moments of difficulty being guided and helped by knowing what your dad's views would have been, but knowing also that he would want you to make your own decisions.

Please post again if you find it helpful. Everyone on Talking Point is very supportive and helpful and sometimes it is easier to 'talk' to strangers than to people closest to you.
Thinking of you,
Blue sea

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi Laura and welcome to Talking Point.

I did think about moving your post to the main forum, but since it relates more to what happens after your father has died, have left it here.

All I can say is that there is no one right way to deal with this. My mother died at the beginning of August, and my choice was to spread her ashes on the Sussex downs just a couple of days after the cremation. In part this was because although she was in the UK, I live in the US, and I just couldn't see myself taking them back home with me and then bringing them back at some point. As you can see I chose the "scatter them as soon as possible" route, but I have to say, as a family we are not known for being overly sentimental, and perhaps more importantly, I had my mother alive for 51 years, and for me it was time to let her go.

Your situation is very different, and I can well understand that you might want to keep your father's ashes, when the time comes, so that you still have that connection. On the other hand I can also understand your mother's concerns: the teenage years are difficult enough without losing a much loved parent and she may feel that by focusing on his ashes rather than simply remembering him alive, you might end up getting overly wrapped up in his death rather than his life. Only you know whether that is likely or not: my father died before I was 10, and although I didn't have his ashes, I did spend a certain amount of time wrapped up in one of his scarves talking to him, without any major ill-effects (or so I believe).

Perhaps it might be possible for you to reassure your mother that you are not being overly morbid about this, simply that you want to hold onto this physical connection for a while as part of the grieving process she will be (less) concerned.

Love and best wishes

 

[laura92]

thank you for the advice it has been very helpful.
is it true it is illegal to scatter ashes in some places and it can be sentenced with imprisonment?

 

[jenniferpa]

Possibly, but I have to say that no one (funeral director etc) mentioned anything about that to me. The residue that is left is a very fine ash, and not really a lot of it. I suppose it could under some circumstances be considered littering (god help us) but it's not the sort of thing you'd do in front of a bunch of peorple you didn't know, so I think it's unlikely to be an issue. I beleive there are some statutes is the USA, and (possibly) Germany but provided you are discreet I think it's unlikely you'll encointer a problem. This is an article from the BBC about it http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6529215.stm

P.S. If you're not in the UK let me know and I'll see what I can find out about your specific country

 

[laura92]

thnak u for all the advice its very helpful, and yes i am from the UK. thanks