advice would be brilliant

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by kermit, Mar 25, 2008.

  1. kermit

    kermit Registered User

    Mar 25, 2008
    1
    Hi

    My nan has alzheimer's and my grandad died at the weekend and it has been really difficult to cope with her reactions as my grandad was her life and his death has been increasingly hard in the aspect that once she has been told of his death she breaks down, yet 10 minutes later she will have forgotten and is asking after him again. This has been very difficult to watch - does anyone know if this reaction is likely to change or will she not be able to register that he has gone in her head because of her memory loss? We have a big family and she will be well cared for but from my young perspective I just found it really hard to watch her and am really worried about her.
     
  2. hendy

    hendy Registered User

    Feb 20, 2008
    506
    West Yorkshire
    #2 hendy, Mar 25, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2008
    Dear kermit
    I am sorry that you have lost your grandfather.
    You are right to be concerned about your nan, it must be very upsetting to experience her reaction to your grandfathers death. It is very caring and thoughtful of you to post your concern. Perhaps you could discuss how other members of the family have dealt with the problem? They will probably know the best approach. There is another recent thread on this forum entitled 'what do I say?' which may help you further.
    hope this helps
    take care
    hendy
    ps here's the link http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/talkingpoint/discuss/showthread.php?t=10299
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi kermit, welcome to TP.

    I'm so sorry you've lost your grandad. You must be feeling very sad just now.

    I'm afraid your nan is going to find it very difficult to understand, and it is probably kinder not to keep telling her. When you do, the news is fresh to her every time, and she suffers the grief over and over again.

    Could you try telling her your grandad has gone out for a while, or even that he's in hospital just now?

    I know it's not true, but you are lying for the best of motives, to save your nan pain.

    Hopefully in time she will get used to the fact that he is not around, and will stop asking. In the meantime, it's going to be so hard for you all.

    Best wishes,
     
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Hi Kermit

    I understand that this advice will be difficult for your family to follow but Skye (Hazel) is quite correct - it isn't a kindness to continually remind her of his death, even if she's asking where he is. Families do find this hard: not just the constant repetition but the need to actively lie about something so important. However, what you all have to do is find the kindest path for her, not what would normally be appropriate. Eventually she may reach the point where either she no longer asks about him, or alternatively no longer seems to be affected by the news. It's very much trial and error.
     

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