Advice with next step

AimeeKS

New member
May 14, 2021
1
0
Hi, this is my first post.
My family and I need some advice... my grandmother was diagnosed 2017 and she is rapidly getting worse. The usual behaviours of constant repetition & confusion are getting worse and she has recently become aggressive and physical with my grandfather (87 with his own health issues) and he is really struggling with her now. She is in COMPLETE denial so its now impossible to talk about things infront of her without her getting angry and therefore support for either is hard to come by as she doesn't accept what's going on and thinks we are making it up to put her in a home, which really is the last thing we want. My grandfather passes me secret notes when he needs to talk its just not a great situation.

My mother and I go round as much as we can, I sort all the medical appointments and transport to and from and go round there as much as possible to give him a break, company and take her out - which can be hard if she's in a mood.
Mum helps with shopping but we both work and I am pregnant and with a young family so there is only so much we can do.

My question is where do we go from here ? They're entitled to nothing when I ring docs or social services as they own their own home we don't know what yo do next for the pair of them really.

Any advice will be really appreciated.
Thanks x
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,005
0
72
Dundee
Welcome to the forum @AimeeKS.

I’m sorry to read about the situation with your grandmother. If she has become physically aggressive towards your grandfather then he is at risk. Although you say they are not entitled to anything I think it would still be wise to get back in touch with both the GP and the Social Work department and emphasise that these are two elderly people who are at risk. You might find it helpful to ring the Dementia Connect Support Line and ask for their thoughts -


I’m glad you’ve found this forum and I’m sure you’ll find great support from other members here.
 

ganymede

Registered User
Apr 28, 2021
58
0
HI @AimeeKS, welcome. It sounds like things are getting really tough with your grandparents and no wonder you are worried about them both. It's a lot for you to deal with, especially with your pregnancy as well. I hope you are OK.

If your grandfather is struggling with his own health issues, would it be possible for you to suggest setting up some care visits for him - rather than for your grandmother?

I have also found that avoiding conflict and confrontation with my mum has really helped our relationship and she has become much more open and trusting with me. I've seen lots of people recommend this brilliant set of guidelines called "Compassionate Communication". There's a thread on TP about it here: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello @AimeeKS
a warm welcome from me too

you and your mum are doing so well by your grandparents, but they clearly need and deserve more support

you are wise to be tactful to keep your grandmother as stress free as possible ... tough for your grandfather, I appreciate, but he's best to not explain, discuss or argue, simply walk away and let her be .... sadly, she's unlikely to grasp exactly what the diagnosis means and how she is now, unfortunately that's one of the symptoms of the dementia

I do not understand the response you've been given by Social Services. The fact that they own their own home has nothing to do with their entitlement to a care needs assessment.
Everyone has a right to an assessment of their care needs, and from that a care package should be suggested. A carer also has a right to a carer's assessment.

After the care assessment, the LA will carry out a financial assessment. Their home is not taken into account as long as both or one of them lives there. For your grandmother only her income and savings plus half of any joint savings are taken into account, NOT your grandfather's ( and vice versa).
this may help explain

your grandmother is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk of harm 'as she does not understand her situation and is also putting your grandfather at risk of harm due to her anger, aggression and violence .... and your grandfather is 'a vulnerable adult' due to his own health issues and 'at risk of harm' .... in fact your grandfather is becoming unsafe in his home and this may become a 'safeguarding issue'

I suggest you contact Social Services again and use the phrases in that last paragraph, they ought to pay attention to those, especially 'safeguarding'... certainly call them, but also email/write a letter with all your concerns and anything that is said in a call, so that you create a 'paper trail' and they cannot then say they were not aware of the situation

I would also write to their GP with all the detail you can, and keep the GP up to date, again so there's evidence you have made them aware ... the GP may not discuss anything with you due to patient confidentiality, but they have to note any info given them by family members

if LPAs aren't already in place, I urge you to discuss these with your family as they will make supporting your grandparents much easier in the future

Admiral Nurses are there to support carers, so maybe call their helpline

keep posting, members understand and will offer sympathy and useful suggestions
 

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