Advice re ranting.... please

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Jon29, Oct 18, 2016.

  1. Jon29

    Jon29 Registered User

    Sep 2, 2015
    My wife is nearly 56 with AD. She's now entered a stage where she talks a lot of 'rubbish', a lot of the time. Mentally draining listening to her telling me rubbish but now I have worse issue. She tells me she is either going away or I should go away, because I'm useless and too needy and she can't support me any more, she has a new boyfriend who she loves, I've got up too early waking everyone and loads loads more!!

    Hopefully the memantine that she started today will help, as the trazadone are not that effective.

    She's safe to be left alone for short times, so a walk of the dogs [on the beach :) ] helps an unwind every day, but listening to the rubbish, sometimes spiteful and rude [the c word earlier] is very draining. Apparently I look drained and am losing weight.

    Distraction techniques are failing as she 'wants nothing from me'. A friend is taking her out for coffee later, but all these things only add to a fraction of the day.

    So - to the question, any advice on coping with a partner that spends most of the day talking rubbish and / or being rude and nasty? Apart from putting on another layer of thick skin.
  2. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Its the hardest part. ((Big hug))

    My mother was cruel to my father in the same way, he'd cry when she was horrid to him ''You are not the man I married.............'' was a real stinger. he adored her until the day he died.

    Not sure what the answer is, perhaps just hope it goes away as fast as it arrived.

    Do you have any respite, see if you can have a few nights and really get away, its not what anyone wants to do, but at 56, its s long road ahead
  3. Jon29

    Jon29 Registered User

    Sep 2, 2015
    Getting Help

    Thanks Jessbow. Since posting I'm seeing our local Dementia Support Worker tomorrow for advice and so on. I've also left a message to speak to local NHS Mental Health Nurse. I'm sure between them they'll come up with a plan, well I hope so.

    Ironically the hatred started when I had a visit from a local company that supply a 'sitting service' to allow me some respite - not a happy wife, although she had previously had agreed to it.

    Another step on the journey.
  4. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    I've a mountain of sympathy.

    My mum was horrendous towards me and later towards my two sons too, the two people she absolutely adored. But she didn't live with us. If she was horrible when I went to see her I'd turn around and go home again. Lots of wasted time and petrol, and lots of things she had to do without that I could have helped with, but it was the only way I could keep going.

    The only positives I can think of are that it's a phase and that if you talk to her doctor maybe there's something she can take to calm her down a bit. Don't forget, she's obviously stressed too, as that kind of anger is generated by real emotions, even if there's no real reason for them.
  5. Sunseeker1977

    Sunseeker1977 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    North Yorkshire
    I feel for you, my wife was 56 when we got the diagnosis, she is now 62, living with abuse is just one of the many challenges this dreadful desease poses us!! Your doctor or consultant might be able to help with some medication, we use lorazapam as an as and when intervention, which has worked for us ... but by far the best way I have found to cope with the abuse and ranting is to understand and believe that this is not my wife talking to me its the dementia .... I let her have a bit of 'safe' space and wait until she comes round... you are correct in putting on that extra layer of thick skin... I am probably on my 5th layer now!! but I now understand its not my wife saying these horrible and hurtful things to me ... and once you accept that it does help a little.

    No two dementias are the same, and whilst its an advantage to learn all the coping skills and tactics, its living with it, understanding it , and recognising your wife's individual triggers that will equip you with the coping skills you need. There will still be some magic moments ... cherish them!
  6. Jon29

    Jon29 Registered User

    Sep 2, 2015
    Thank you. Yes medication slowly getting sorted. I think the "it's AD talking to me, not my wife" was the first coat to put on :)
  7. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Any chance the friends could up their time spent with your wife? would they be willing to take her out for lunch a few times a week? Or have lunch with her in your home? Lunch and a bottle of wine with just a few friends that understand what you are going through could help relieve some of the pressure.
  8. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    Be careful that one female isn't in the house too often as she could be seen as 'the other woman'
  9. elizabeth hc

    elizabeth hc Registered User

    Oct 31, 2012
    I know it is AZ talking when my O.H is so nasty but it still hurts. I think I need another skin!

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