1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Shezzy

    Shezzy Registered User

    Apr 1, 2013
    3
    Crewe/Nantwich Area
    Hi all
    my mum who is 88 shortly has mixed type dementia and after living with me for 7 years we found a lovely home for her a couple of years ago. Her recent memory has gone.

    Every time I visit she just want to be at home (her childhood home from the 1930's) with her mum and dad (who both died in the 1950's)
    She can't understand why they don't come and visit (mind you she doesn't remember that anybody has ever visited her) and she gets very distressed that they haven't and that she has not heard anything from them and feels abandoned.

    We send lots of pretty cards with animals and pictures on the front that she looks at every day and she puts the all round her room.

    my question is really I am half considering writing a pretty notelet from them saying that they will be in to visit her soon - with the hope that it may calm her down, especially if I leave it by her bed where she can read it frequently.

    Is this a good idea???? Any suggestions???
     
  2. learningcurve

    learningcurve Registered User

    Oct 9, 2015
    22
    Hampshire
    Hi Shezzy and welcome to TP.

    My Mum lived with us for two years before she was placed in a care home a month ago. While she lived with us she was constantly asking us to take her to see her mother who died over 30 years ago. She would get really distressed saying her mum needs her as she isn't well. Since she has been in the care home when we visit she tells us that her mum has been to see her.

    I personally would not send a notelet, but that's just me, others may have a different opinion. x
     
  3. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,296
    SW London
    Yes, it's worth trying - if anything will keep the person happy it's worth it IMO.

    My mother went through quite a long phase of wanting to go and see her long dead parents - she was in a care home at the time. I used all sorts of 'love lies' - yes, maybe we could go tomorrow when the roads weren't quite so busy/icy/I couldn't take her today because my car was being serviced (not) but maybe tomorrow?/I'd better give them a ring first to see when they'd like us to go - we wouldn't want to go all that way and find them out, would we?
    Etc., you name it.
    But they all kept her happy for the moment, even if it was only for half an hour till she asked again. She never remembered that I'd said the same before.
     
  4. Shezzy

    Shezzy Registered User

    Apr 1, 2013
    3
    Crewe/Nantwich Area
    thanks for the comments -was just concerned in case someone said - don't do that because this happened.......

    anyway will give it a go - I can always take it away if it distresses her and she won't really remember having it anyway
    ta
     
  5. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,826
    UK
    Do you have any photographs of her parents? worth taking in for her and if it does not work you can always remove.
     
  6. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    1,084
    Brazil
    Maybe you can answer to the feeling instead of her real mom. I mean a cuddle, or a hug, or a cookie, a calm love lie.

    On my mother's CH, some residents ask for mother just before meals time. Others by sunset. Usually staff just say your mother is shopping and she will be here soon, let's eat something while we wait.

    For my mother I used to say I miss them too. and we will met them soon. Then a hug and talking about the blue sky.
     
  7. Shezzy

    Shezzy Registered User

    Apr 1, 2013
    3
    Crewe/Nantwich Area
    thanks

    we have lots of photographs in her room thanks and even when I give her a cuddle /hug she is always talking about them - even the best distraction doesn't seem to veer her away from the subject. Whatever we do - I think she has moved onto something else and then she is all teary and back to them.
    it strange really as she didn't like her mum even from a very young age - she once told me her mum said that she wanted a boy as what use were little girls and also sent her down the path in her underwear to go to the orphanage as she wasn't really wanted. Sad really

    will try a note from them when I visit today
     
  8. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    1,084
    Brazil
    That is a big trauma! Of course she can relate a CH to an orphanage.

    Maybe some good old memory could calm her. It may help if you remember if she told you the good things that she liked when child. ( my mother was her cats).
     

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