advice please

Discussion in 'I have dementia' started by hazel388, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. hazel388

    hazel388 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2015
    Hi there i have just become a temporary carer for my 81 year old uncle as my mum has washed her hands of caring for him.My mum has got lot's of health problems and is 75 years old.Mum has always took money from him and some of my uncles DLA was given t her twice per month.My uncle moved into a flat next door to my mum and they have both lived next door from each other for the last 26 years.Mum has gone out as a companion with my uncle on days out etc as she doesn't have much of a social life as well and only occasionaly goes out.My mum has been taking money off my uncle for as long as i can remember.To cut a long story short my mum was sending my uncle to the local shop each day for ciggy's but he has also gone out to the shops of his own accord several times which he used to do okay but now he keeps falling over when ever he has gone out,most of the time kind neighbours bring him home.He collapsed last week and spent 5 days in Hospital he won't let anyone in his flat to check if it was clean,my mum eventually was left the key to his flat when he went into hospital and mum was shocked to discover the flat was a total mess and my uncle had defecated all over the flat and his bed was heavily soiled and he had not had a wash for months,all his clothes were covered in bodily wastes and the flat was a mess an d no bills had been paid for the last 3 months.We got the flat clean and got new clothes and bed sheets and made the flat nice,my mum discovered money in bundles all over the flat,the flat was a disgusting mess.My uncle was in hospital for 5 days and was assessed for nursing home care but the team said he doesn't meet the criteria and that there were people much worse in the dimentia home,so my uncle got brought home even thou the hospital know that my mum tried to stab my dad years ago when she was stressed from the abuse my Dad put her through and that she had been violent again in recent years,we also told about the state of the flat and that my uncle could not manage without my mum's help.I have a child with sever disabilities and my two siblings are married to their jobs.I can't take care of my uncle myself.My uncle got back from hospital and went back to his flat and collapsed again an ambulance was phoned but they refused to take my uncle to hospital saying he was medically fit.Temporary carers was put into place for my uncle after he left hospital but that is not good enough and my mum wants him put into a home full stop.I phoned a social worker today and they went out to my mum's and arranged for a week respite.I know my mum is going to do one and leave my uncle to the authorities,i'm at my wits end and my mum leans on my quite heavy and i'm in a panic incase my mum runs off on holiday and leave either the authorities to deal with it or dump the load on me.I love my uncle dearly but due to my own son having many disabilities i can only do so much.I know my mum has no understanding what so ever can someone please advise me.
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    It sounds to me like a care home would be the kindest place for your uncle as he would be safe and looked after there. He is not able to care for himself any more and neither of you are responsible for his care either. The ones with duty of care are Social Services so don't let them forget that. They will try to fob you off with carers in the house so you need to be forceful and say that neither of you will care for him, that the help given at the moment is not adequate and that you hold them personally liable if he falls again and comes to harm. You will have to be persistent but your uncle's best interest is at the heart of the matter here.
  3. emz_33

    emz_33 Registered User

    Oct 25, 2014
    Help advice needed!!

    My mother has recently been diagnose with dementia, she is currently in hospital it was to get her medication right, that was 8 months ago. Her mood has been up and down as she has depression too. Two weeks after Christmas she started not eating as much as she did, because of the time of year this is a regular issue and normally passes in a few weeks over the last week report from the hospital are that mum keeps refusing food that they offer for, diet and fuild chart are being filled in, due to my constant nagging at the nurses. Again after lots of meeting and nagging they have finally prescribed fortsips drinks. As mum eldest daughter and main carer feel power less, and concerned that the hospital isn't taking this seriously keep suggesting different things to encourage mum to eat, but shouldn't thr hospital be doing something else after all the are the proffesionals in this area. Wondered if anyone out there was experiencing the same thing as me and if anyone had any other suggestions that I could try.....thanks in advance emz_33
  4. Palmer22

    Palmer22 Registered User

    Feb 13, 2015

    I know its not a nice thought for anyone putting a loved one in a care home but to me it sounds like it would be the safest place for your uncle as he will be looked after properly.

    You'd need to speak to a social worker who will asses your uncle to see if he meets the criteria for funding, as care homes can be very expensive places, usually if you go straight through to a care home you'll more than likely get a place if you leave out all the inbetweeners who like to make life harder than it is without reason.

    In most cases the managers of care homes will come and assess your uncle, that shouldn't be a problem as i think it is obvious your uncle needs to be in a home.

    As i said, going straight through to a care home directly would be your best bet considering you have funding in place.

    Hope this helps


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