Advice please

[jennyjudd]

Hi, I'm new on here, and I'd like some advice if possible.

My Mum is 83 in 2 weeks, and was diagnosed with vascular dementia last month. My brother and sister seem to think it would be a good idea to move her to sheltered accomodation. I dont agree, especially as the doctor who gave the diagnosis told them it was not a good idea.

She is quite depressed and cries a lot, and she is quite frail too. She has a very good carer that visits her twice daily, and she goes to a centre twice a week where she meets people.

I think she would be better off with her regular routine, not confused in different surroundings.

Also, my mum has been quite depressed for some years now, is it possible that this was the dementia too.

 

[Skye]

Hi Jenny

Welcome to TP. I hope you'll find a lot of support here.

I'm inclined to agree with you regarding your mum. It sounds as if you have established a good support network for her, and it would be very confusing for her to move.

You also have to bear in mind that sheltered accommodation would almost certainly be a short-term solution, and she would probably at some stage need nursing home care. It seems to me unnecessary to upset her with two upheavals.

Why do your brother and sister think it would be a good idea? Are they finding the responsibility too much? If so I don't think sheltered accommodation would be much better, your mum woul still need just as much help.

Just my opinion, of course, others may disagree.

 

[jennyjudd]

Thanks for that Hazel, I think my brother and sister are feeling the strain, but I can't see their point for some reason.
I live closest to Mum, and they're always phoning me asking me to do things for her, rather than do them thereselves.
My sister visits Mum every Sunday, she lives about 20 miles away, her husband is retired and their children are grown up, they have a car, and time on their hands.
My brother lives about 6 miles away, has a car and 4 grown up children, and works part time in the evening. He visits Mum on Thursday and Friday evening.
I have 5 children (19, 14, 13, 12 and 12 years old), no car, my husband works full time, and it seems to always be me dealing with things.
I visit my Mum every week day (I need some time with my family, but I still feel guilty), and it's a strain, but she's my Mum.

We've recently had a few problems with Mums house, but they're getting sorted out now.

I could write pages on here, but I'd best stop now, it's a minefield of emotions.

 

[Skye]

Jenny, it sounds as if you have taken on the bulk of the caring, and it's not fair on your family. I really can'y understand why your brother and sister want to move your mum when they do so little.

Have you considered a care home? I know it's an awful decision to make, but I honestly don't thing sheltered accommodation would make things easier.

But I think it has to be your decision, as you do the bulk of the caring. If you think you can continue as you are for a while longer, then fine. If you can't cope any longer, you have to tell your brother and sister, and either arrange a rota for helping or discuss care.

I can tell how upset you are over this. Please keep posting, and tell us ho you get on.

Love,

 

[jenniferpa]

I think the first thing you have to do is ask whow your mother feels about it. She is currently living independently with support and I do think a "change of venue" might be confusing to her. On the other hand, she might feel uncertain in her current surroundings. Not that I necessarily think sheltered housing is the way to go: as Hazel points out, that will of necessity be a short term solution if it's "standard" sheltered housing. Having said that, my mother moved to an extra-care facility (sheltered with carers, meals, laundry etc on tap) and would be still be there if she hadn't got to the point where she can no longer walk. I do wish she had gone there before her strokes, because she would have got a lot more out of it, but c'est la vie.

It is particularly difficult when siblings don't agree (not that I have any, but I've heard enough stories here). Part of the problem is sometimes that one or more of them are more temperamentally suited to caring, while others have a lot less tolerance for it. It doesn't make them bad people per se, it just is. It sounds from your post that your mother may be calling you all frequently (otherwise, how would they know to ask you to do stuff) and the phone calls can be extremely wearing, almost more wearing than the actual caring. They may (and of course this is speculation on my part) feel that in sheltered housing this would be less of a problem, although I doubt it actually - most sheltered schemes may have a warden on tap (although in some situations the contact is made by phone) but they are there for emergencies rather than day to day living. Furthermore, I think you'll find that there are few schemes that would be willing to take your mother on with progressive dementia, because they would be aware that they're not set up for it.

Not much help for you, I'm afraid, just my own experiences.

Jennifer

 

[kathm]

Hi there, sorry to hear about your struggles but you will find it helps just knowing that others are going through the same stuff as you.
It is a bit ironic how the best carers always seem to be the ones who have the most stuff to cope with like big family, full time job, no car etc, and the people have loads of free time often steer clear of all responsibility. I have experienced the same.
Some people just can not cope with this sort of thing, i think the people who do cope or at least try to are very special.
At least your mum has got you.
I think your mum should stay in her own home as long as she can, you can get some fantastic things from assistive technology to help your mum stay safe.
Maybe your mums G.P could refer to a CPN regarding the depression often dementia and depression go hand in hand so get all the help you can from the professionals to help make life that little bit easier.
Good luck
love kathm

 

[NanaBanana]

Jenny

My Mum was having extreme mood swings and depression. Once the doctor put her on anti-depressant, she is doing much better. She has Alzheimers since last fall. I live so far away(3hrs by plane) but I am thankful my sister is now living with her, I come down about every three months. My heart goes out to you with being the only one that wants to keep your Mum in a familiar surroundings. It must be hard with having a large family at home that needs you too. Take care of yourself first!!!