Advice please

[MrsP]

Hi to all,

I had a conversation with my Dad a few days ago, during which he said that he didn't know that a family member had passed away because nobody told him. I had actually told him about her illness, and phoned to let him know that she had passed away, and even told him about her funeral. I know that my brother has also spoken to him about it. I didn't know whether or not to correct him; if I had I think he would have been upset at having forgotten, and if I didn't it made him upset because he thinks no-one told him. In the end I took the cowards way out and changed the subject.

As this is the first major thing that he's forgotten (children's names have gone but he still knows who we all are) I admit to feeling a bit of a failure. My husband says that I should have corrected him, I would appreciate other people's opinions on how they have dealt with situations like this.

Many thanks, Kate x.

 

[Amy]

Hiya Kate,
How about "Oh sorry dad, I thought I told you, but I could be wrong. I forget all sorts these days."
Love Helen

 

[jenniferpa]

It's all very well to correct him (and only you know how that will affect him) but the fact of the matter is he's not going to remember THAT. In other words, if he doesn't remember the inital conversations, he's not going to remember the correction. I'm not sure why your husband would think that there would be any point in correcting your father (if he does). It's not the coward's way out to move the subject along, it's good management technique. It not only depends on how your father responds to the correction, I think it also depends on your toleration level - this is going to be a repetative theme, probably, and you're going to be telling him this (if you choose to) many more times. My mother frequently forgets that her brother and sister have died - even though this happened well before she had her strokes. She didn't particularly like either of them (!) so I generally say so and so died years ago, with no upset (she just seems curious) but If it upset her I wouldn't hestitate to find an alternative topic of conversation (I do that with past pets).

Jennifer

 

[Libby]

Hi Kate

I have to say that I disagree with your husband - I would have done exactly what you did and changed the subject.

My mum was constantly asking where my dad was after he died, and when we told her that he'd died, she would always get so upset, as if hearing for the first time - then she'd get upset again because she thought she hadn't been at the funeral. It didn't matter how many times we told her, 5 minutes later she'd forgotten and would ask again where he was.

Eventually, we decided just to change the subject and it has helped her a lot to calm down and not to constantly be in tears. I hated doing it at the beginning, but realised that in the long run, she was better off.

Take care

Libs