Advice please...

Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
619
Ronda Spain
After a pretty calm few weeks - very loving and docile - Monique seems really to have gone off the rails mentally.

For a long time there has been confusion - sometimes not knowing who I am - not knowing who the children are -- assorted memory loss problems.

For the last 3 days Monique is concerned - in anguish- over the worries that I am trying to steal her money combined with enormous concern that we have no income....

She has muddled her fathers life with mine - thinks that the property we have was purchased by him. Thinks he was a tv director etc etc - wires totally crossed and it is not difficult to see where the problem is but what to do about it?

I have tried explaining patiently, tried showing her bank statements and deeds etc but of course none of this is rational.... Because it is the sole - constant - continuous topic of conversation - day and a lot of the night hours, it is beginning to worry me.

I am beginning to think I should take her to the doctor? What she has is a pretty intense form of paranoia (mind you before the docile weeks there was the can't go to the lavatory weeks/months when she actually was)
Somehow though this new paranoia seems more intense - possibly because I am being asked to supply answers that are impossible to supply as she thinks I am lying.....

What are others experiences please? Have others been prescribed anti-paranoia medication?? Trip to the Doc is difficult because I am not sure how to present the symptoms in a 15 minute interview with Monique present or do you recon I just roll with the punches until the next development?

Michael
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Michael,
On an evening mum used to know WHO my dad was, but had no memory of being married to him. Every evening she would try and evict him from the house - tried to phone the police, would go round to the neighbours, get very aggressive. No matter how many documents were produced to show they were married, owned the house together, had children and grandchildren etc, mum could not be convinced. Distraction was the only answer, but dad could not be the one to do that. Eventually mum was put on medication which stopped it, but also reduced her ability to communicate. Advice? 1) If you can ride it a little longer, see how it goes, it may pass quickly 2)Send a letter to the doctor saying "this is what I am coming to talk to you about", then he/she has the details in advance 3) Have a bottle of wine, agree with everything Monique says and cry that you don't know how you are going to manage without an income, but you will enjoy spending her money;) :eek: (Sorry, that was probably in bad taste).
Take care. Hope today is not too awful.
Love Amy
 

Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
619
Ronda Spain
Amy hi,

Great!!!

Have a bottle of wine, agree with everything Monique says and cry that you don't know how you are going to manage without an income, but you will enjoy spending her money (Sorry, that was probably in bad taste).

Actually tried that one too..... No worse and no better result than - 'honest lady - dunno wot your talking abat! I'm a strait up bloke!!!' which gets the response - I used to trust you but now...

Just a bit tiring but your story really helps

Thanks

Michael
 

PatH

Registered User
Feb 14, 2005
301
76
N.Ireland
Having read your post I realize that my situation is very much in the late stages but a lot of posts bring so many memories flooding back. From my experience trying to prove something that they think is true actually made the situation worse and somehow I found it was better to maybe go with the flow( except of course where a threat of violence is concerned) Regarding her money ,my husband always felt secure when I showed him that I hadn't written any cheques . He forgot about the cash card. Might work for you might not!
I feel the consultant is the person who should deal with the drugs as GP (i found ) didnt have the expertise. The drugs also make them very drowsy. Sorry I cant remember the nameof them.
I hope she settles for you.
Pat
 

Stimpfig

Registered User
Oct 15, 2005
135
Germany/India
Hi Michael

Ever since I have been on TP, have noticed very distinct similarities in what Monique and my mum go through although there's a considerable difference in age. I am not sure that Monique's expecting you to supply answers. Whenever I contradicted mum and showed her proof, she used to get/gets more agitated. I found that sitting there and listening to her stories and asking her for 'solutions' seemed to calm her down. But I know how hard it can get - mum once smashed our front door in that state.
I have found Melperone helpful! I have resorted to a combination of medication plus 'rolling with the punches until the next development '

Best wishes
 

rummy

Registered User
Jul 15, 2005
700
Oklahoma,USA
HI Michael,
Last Friday night we got a call from my Mom to come over because a stranger was in the house and she couldn't find Dad anywhere. It isn't unusual for them to call a neighboor for help from time to time so we ran over to see what was going on.
My Dad was there in his bath robe as usual. Mom looked like hell, flushed, eyes wild and small. She said she didn't know that man, he just came in and she was afraid he had done something with her Ed. After asking her alot of questions like, "what does your Ed look like" and "when did you see him last: etc I figured out that the Ed she was remembering was the one she married not this wrinkled up balding guy that can barely breath.
She was scared to death that a stranger was in the house and had killed her husband and was going to slash her throat. I tried to imagine myself, in the house, alone, with a stranger on the loose and being scared like that. How horrible for her ! I kept my tone low and calm, looked her in the eye and kept telling her over and over that I would never leave her in the house with a stranger and that really was Ed. I told her he had been very ill and just didn't look like his old self. Then she would say, " I think I'll go have another look", then come back and ask" are you sure thats him?" She finally did calm down enough for us to leave but hasn't been the same since. Just depressed and confused but no more episodes (yet) No, showing her documents didn't work, we tried that too! Reading The Validation Breakthrough has really helped me know how and what to say during these times. Infact I need to reread it as a refresher!
Mom is on a antianxiety medication and the doctor suggested it was time to up the dose. I think groggy would be preferable to terrified.
Not sure I've helped. I hope Monique calms down and things get easier for you, take care.
Debbie
 

connie

Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
9,519
Frinton-on-Sea
Michael, Lionel is going through exactly the same behaviour at present.
Have gone round and round in circles with him. His consultant has agreed that it is severe paranoia, and the renewed agitation is so wearing.

He has started Lionel on quetiapine which is an anti-psycotic drug. In our case fingers crossed it will work soon.

Thinking of you, love
 

Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
619
Ronda Spain
Connie,Sue Rummy, Pat, Sandy, thanks for that,

really helps to know you are not alone and also to know there is an end game (drugs) if it all gets too much.

Since writing the post we had a really good visit from a new 'social person' - very kind nice girl who's mission was to wash Monique but in the end she spent an hour getting to know her and calming her down - M still smells dodgy but is a nicer person. A friend came round and I went to a specialist to receive the news I need a minor op which will take 3 or 4 days in hospital - under the onslaught of all this Monique has calmed down and become far less aggressive and concerned about the family fortune.... Good news. Watch this space!


---Connie please let me know how the quetiapine gets on - effects Lionel if you would. Please...?
Love

Michael
 
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May

Registered User
Oct 15, 2005
627
Yorkshire
Hi Michael

My Mum has for the last six months had episodes (virtually everyday:( )of not recognising my Dad, believing there's a stranger in the house trying to hurt her. Being aggressive, not trusting us and all of the symptoms described by everyone else here. Explanations haven't work, logical and illogical don't go together:( Sometimes me arriving has 'broken the spell' but in general it's sit it out. Things were so bad over last weekend we called a doctor out , this doctor on advice from a psycho-geriatrician prescribe haliperidol (an anti-pshychotic) to combat the delusions. We are only four days in to the new drug but today we have had a trauma free day, Mum has been more drowsy than normal during the afternoons, but better that than her being scared, frightened and on an adrenalin high. That can't be good for her in the long run. I have my fingers, toes and everything else crossed :eek: that we have a break through in combatting the delusions..................
but knowing the dementia demon I'm not placing bets:rolleyes:

I would agree with Amy
Send a letter to the doctor saying "this is what I am coming to talk to you about", then he/she has the details in advance
I've taken to 'priming' my Mum's doctor as Dad will never tell her everything that has taken place, it damnable what loyalty and love do to you in this situation.

Hope you find a solution to the current crisis, I can only echo Amy again, take to the bottle!!:D
Take care
 

Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
3,433
Suffolk,England
Michael E said:
I went to a specialist to receive the news I need a minor op which will take 3 or 4 days in hospital - under the onslaught of all this Monique has calmed down and become far less aggressive and concerned about the family fortune.... Good news. Watch this space!
Michael,
you have posted previously that when Monique was acting up unbearably badly, you responded with
"Well what if I were to go away for a few days & leave you to it" (Or words to that effect, not a direct quotation).
Do you think that the prospect of you being away in hospital may have had a similar 'shock' effect?
 

Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
619
Ronda Spain
Thanks everybody for the helpful posts.

Lynne you may be right - had not thought of that.

In her more lucid moments Monique loves me to bits and has expressed great concern over my health... The forthcoming hospitalisation of 3 or 4 days has been discussed - I am trying to persuade her retired brother to come and stay with her for the period but he is not keen - and maybe this what has reduced the aggression - thought that I am going away for a few days!

(Just ordered some books to read, on Amazon and am greatly looking forward to the rest!!! No cooking, no shopping, no washing, no cleaning!)

If her brother does not come the clinic has reserved a double room for me so I will take Monique with me. If it comes to that it will be interesting to see how the 'system' copes with her. I have to stay in for so long so I don't move around too much afterwards - but if I have to look after her - cope with her etc then ..... interesting.

A few hours after the 'she is much better' post the paranoia re-started and when we had visitors to tea yesterday - wine and little eats in the courtyard - Monique was pretty aggressive followed by tears for hours when they had left - so sad this muddle her head is in... For once I cannot see a solution - I am damned if I agree with what she says and I am damned if speak the truth...

At 06.00 Monique asked me to leave the marital bed as her mother was coming round and she did not want her to catch Monique in bed with a strange man!! Makes me smile!

So good to be able to write about all this -

love

Michael
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Morning Michael,
Funny how you forget things. I just remembered mum and dad went through quite a long patch of sleeping in separate rooms - then as mum deteriorated dad was able to move back in.
Could be amusing watching others care for Monique - as long as you are not made to intervene. But 4 days complete break for you would be better!
Take care, you 'strange man,' hope today is a good one.
Love Amy
 

rummy

Registered User
Jul 15, 2005
700
Oklahoma,USA
Hi Michael,
I echo Amy, it is good that you'll hopefully have a few days away from being the caretaker. Too bad you have to get it by going into the hospital though! I send get well quickly wishes your way and let us know when your going and how you do.
Debbie
 

Rosalind

Registered User
Jul 2, 2005
203
Wiltshire
Good luck with operation, Michael. If you did take Monique in with you they might well see the need to keep you in longer for recuperation, which could be a good idea, as otherwise you will get back into the normal round of tasks immediately.

I believe French hospitals serve excellent food, with the odd healthgiving glass of wine? Could be a much needed break!

All the best
Rosalind
 

Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
619
Ronda Spain
Thank you for the good wishes.

Pretty sure the hospital problem is stress related!!

Started peeing blood - only lasted for one day and got myself off to the doctors who gave me blood tests, antibiotics against a urinary infection and in best French 'no expense spared' x-rays and (the thing on your stomach which pregnant ladies have to look at the fetus)

Anyway the good news is I am not pregnant - the less good news is I have a polyp in my urinary tract... the really bad news (and tears stream down my face as I write this!) they cut it off by inserting a rod up my penis towards my bladder!!! OHHHHHHH
The girls on the forum may not understand the concept of pain this induces but the men's eyes will be watering with mine!!!

The surgeon said it would not hurt - but there was a little grin round the edges of his mouth as he said the words.... I asked if I could ride my bike home from the clinic at the end of the 4 day stay and he got serious and said I could not ride the bike for at least 3 weeks after the operation!! That's going to cramp my style!!d parking in La Rochelle is hell which is why I do not use the car...

I am now waiting to hear if Jacques - my brother in law can Monique sit for me or if I have to take her with me.....

Had a totally hysterical angry screaming crying evening so I think Lynne was right and she is just really scared at being left without me..

So that's the full gory details - I go in on the 18th out the Saturday or Sunday and I just hope not as a soprano...

Michael
 

Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
3,433
Suffolk,England
Michael E said:
Thank you for the good wishes.

... {gory details} ...OHHHHHHH !!
The girls on the forum may not understand the concept of pain this induces but the men's eyes will be watering with mine!!!
Don't bet on it, my own knees are firmly clamped together in sympathy.
We girlies have our own "south of the border" regions too you know, it's only the geography & designs that differ!


So that's the full gory details - I go in on the 18th out the Saturday or Sunday and I just hope not as a soprano...
Best wishes, and please keep us posted on how things turn out (both for you personally, & with the eventual arrangements for Monique, successful or otherwise.)
 

maggier

Registered User
Jan 9, 2006
78
62
manchester
Michael

I love your sense of humour and how you joke even though chaos is all around you sometimes.

I wish you well with your operation and hope you don't feel a thing (I am sure you won't)

I am going through a spell with mum at the minute where everything bad in her life is all my fault, and yesterday she accused me of nicking her wardrobe(!!) and no matter what I said or how much I showed her that her wardrobe was still in her bedroom, she argued with me and said I had taken everything and that I was a liar etc etc!!!

I ended up heartbnroken and going home in floods of tears so I think you deserve a gold medal (well actually lots of gold medals) for living with this day in day out. How do you cope?

Anyway take care, we will be thinking of you on 18th and hope all goes well and wishing you a very speedy recovery.

Love and hugs

Maggie x
 

rummy

Registered User
Jul 15, 2005
700
Oklahoma,USA
Michael,
That really is horrible for you and I will cringe too because it doesn't sound like a pleasant procedure .......innie or outie ! OUCH! Just thank your lucky stars that it is only a polyp, is fixable, and you will be back on your bike within a month!
I hope you get a sitter for Monique, you will need rest and some relaxation to recoup.
Take care,
Debbie