1. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    Hello
    I only seem to post when I am somewhat stressed and I am sorry for that as I should give more input to such a helpfull site.

    Anyway, help please.

    About 10 days ago I arranged for my mum to go into a nusing home for 2 weeks. When it came to it I could'nt do it.Now I really must "bite the bullet". mum is booked in from monday for 2 weeks.I was told not to tell her too soon as she might get upset.
    Question.
    When and how should I tell her????

    Things have got much more difficult recently.When she is not at "day care" it seems like she is wanting constant entertaining/attention. She has also started to forget to put her incontinence pads on after going to the loo, especially about 6am when she goes back to bed and so soaking sheets every morning.

    She is getting "cross" with me and "vice versa"

    I am triply, doubly, extra tired.

    Advice please
     
  2. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi Snuffy, I was as scared as you the first time. I left it till the morning, just before we took her. By the time we got there she had forgotten and so I had to do it again. It may be that you could do the same, wait till you get there I mean? I made sure she was settled and being looked after, then beat a frantic retreat in floods of tears, feeling like the worst daughter in the whole wide world. I rang that evening, she was fine, eating, joining in and offering choccies (I packed a box in her case, did it every time) to everyone. I breathed easier then. It will be hard Snuffy, but its not for ever, and you can ring up to see how she is. Once you get into the swing of it, you will really find it a help as you will get a chance to rest and catch your breath a bit. Good luck, I will be thinking of you, imagine I am there holding your hand if it helps, I will be in spirit! Love She. XX
     
  3. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    Many thanks for your reply.
    I would appreciate your thoughts tomorrow morning.Mum has been quite difficult recently.She was sleeping alot but now she is non stop wanting to go out for walks (wheelchair) and also keeps asking me "what shall I do, where shall I go". today she walked out of the loo with everything down around her knees like a toddler who can't pull their knickers up!
    I guess this is just another phase of this horrible illness.
    to be honest I am looking after a complete stranger that I have no feeling for. That is a terrible thing to say but I am being honest.

    thanks again
    snuffy
    PS Can you tell me the difference between Dementia and Alzheimers?
     
  4. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Dear Snuffy
    sorry you are having such a bad time .
    There are many kinds of Dementia, Alzheimer's being the most common one.
    There is a fact sheet No 400 which explains what Dementia is.
    Hope this is helpful
    Norman
     
  5. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Snuffy

    I usually say Jan has dementia because she has a combination of types - Alzheimer's and vascular.

    If I say she has Alzheimer's then that doesn't explain the deterioration in steps and the fits; if I say she has vascular, then that doesn't explain some of the Alzheimer's specific things.

    So it is easier to use the all-encompassing term 'dementia'.
     
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Snuffy, thinking of you and your Mum, love She. XX
     
  7. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    thanks all.
    Well what a horrible morning. Although I tried to explain it was'nt until we got to the home that it seemed to dawn on mum what was happening.
    I won't give the details but the "dirty deed" is done.
    everyone tells me to relax and enjoy my time off but how? I can't look after her but I hate seeing her in a home with poor souls so much worse off tham mum. She will hate every minute and probably hate me also.
    Oh happy day!

    Take care all

    Snuffy
     
  8. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hello Snuffy

    It is a very brave thing you have done and your feelings are not unusual - we have all been there.

    It is part of our coming to terms with this disease, and our understanding that we can't turn back the tide, neither can we manage on our own - at least without wrecking ourselves and our lives.

    I can't think of anything more difficult than doing what we have all done in some way shape or form.

    Mum won't hate you, though we all expect that to be our lot. Perhaps the only good thing about dementia is that they forget quickly. Unfortunately, they forget how much we have tried to do to help them, but also they forget any imagined slights, or evil deeds.

    I don't expect you will 'enjoy' your time off, but try at least to relax, and to regain your life for a while.

    Take care,
     
  9. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Snuffy, no, I don't suppose you will enjoy your break as such. But you can use it, to help you, your Mum, and the rest of your family. Have a couple of good nights sleep, (OK, try to!) Then, do some of the things you have put off as you couldn't find time. Go out without worrying about getting back. (I daresay "they" the respite place, have your mobile no. to ring if they needed you!) Just try to chill out a wee bit. You are not betraying her, nor have you deserted her. I couldn't wait for the mini bus to bring Mum back after each respite, but like I'm saying to you, I did learn to make good use of the time after the initial shock and guilt feelings eased. Thinking of you, be kind to yourself, love She. XX
     
  10. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Dear Suffy
    you are very brave and you have done the right thing.
    I have it to come and I hope I can cope as you did.
    She won't hate you ,she will forget as they do.
    Take care thinking of you
    Norman
     
  11. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    thankyou Norman but i don't feel brave more like "Judas"
    I really hate the thought of mum forgetting home etc. I have time to do what i want but it is weighing heavily and can't seem to do all those things I want to do.
    Take care
    snuffy
     
  12. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Snuffy

    because we are not superhuman, there will always be limits to what we can do, despite our always wanting, needing, to do more.

    That's what makes 'brave' have its meaning.

    You aren't brave if you do something without inner torture and fear. You are brave if you do something that you really do not want to do at all, but for the good of someone else. You may hate yourself for it, but it is for someone else.

    Believe me, you're brave.
     
  13. lindann

    lindann Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    2
    uk
    advice about dad care

    hi my dad got senile demensia vasul , my brother paid carer for him, he cooks and cleans the house for mum and dad, but when mum is at daycare she can not cope with dad all day.. my brother sees to dad, then when mum there she does they are both 78-79 my dads age

    he cooks his dinner, then most afternoon he leaves him on his own, for a few hours, dad goes to sleep most of the time, or l do not know what he does when brother goes out. also when mum comes home he hands the rein over to her which she finds it very hard, he will not go in a nursing home to give mum a break he wakes her up very early and mum is a very poor sleeper also because he has been agrophobic since 1976 he will not go out he been out once when they moved near to me, they are going to move again which will be a bus distance for me to get there,

    l would like to know what does a carer have to do, cos mum got her own problems with her health she needs a wheelchair for long distance walking..

    l did the shopping, and look after arranging prescriptions for both, most of the legal stuff, l know my brother actions my mum will not ask him to get a loaf if they run out he will not do shopping l suppose because l do for them all, as mum is slightly deaf, she asks me to what she needs, l am worried that my dad is not getting the right care cos my brother was put on at risk, because my dad cannot answer him back or stick up for hisself. cos he a bit verbally abusive to my dad he calls him braindead, moron etc... he a bit like that with my mum, he knows how l feel, he even not talking to me, as l stick up for mum and dad, he thinks that just a cooking and cleaning is a part of the carers role, as dad does self neglect eg: will not have a bath, they let him dose him self with heart tablets this morning he taken his asprin for got the heart tablet for angina. l am afraid he will one day forget that he had taken his pill and take another one though they are got the days on them. he is also hallucinating, so l am afraid when brother leaves him he will become frighten, what do l do. As my brother lives with them they are moving to a bungalow very soon, at a distance, l will go an visit if l speak of my fear, about dad, my brother would not entertain my thoughts on what could happen he thinks he knows whats best for dad, l do think sometimes brother so stress out he does leave dad on his own, be grateful of any help u can advise me l am in the uk thank you
     
  14. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Linndann, has your Dad had a diagnoses, was it vascular dementia? Sorry I was not totally sure thats what you meant. My reason for asking is that if he has, then the professional who gave the diagnoses may be able to help you with a care plan or advice. It may also be possible to get a social worker to help you sort out what is best for all the family. I can understand your concern, especially if your Dad is sometimes left alone and is unsafe. Perhaps you could also speak to your parents GP and see if they can help? You sound as if you are in quite a difficult position, you have to be careful not to agravate the situation but you yourself are aware that it cannot carry on like it is as your Mum is unable to cope well now. Can you and your brother try to sit down and just talk things through a bit or would he get angry with you? I do hope you can speak to a professional in your area. You could try the local Alzheimers branch too, if you ring the help desk tomorrow, they could tell you where the nearest one is to you, this could help your brother too as they could explain how best to handle some of the issues you have mentioned. Best wishes, love She. XX
     
  15. lindann

    lindann Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    2
    uk
    #15 lindann, Apr 14, 2005
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2005
    hi thank you

    hi yes that sort of demensia he got, yes he is dianosed two years ago, yes we are under the alzheimers socity, my brother will not sit down with me, my mother thinks there is something wrong with my brother, be cause he was in hospital about 7 yrs ago, one indian doctor said has there any one talk about downs for my brother shows the features small eye and small ears, and he has heart defect my mother and l do think something is really wrong with my brother, as he showing signs that he makes a fuss of the smallest thing, he have very strong ideas how the world shuld be run etc, l am sorry for going on l love my brother, but l at the moment think he is not the best one for the job, cos of the way he is with his dad, also he has some resentment against his dad cos my dad has had mental problems far as we can remember he would never take us any where or go on holidays etc.... also my dad always fussed over brother, to the fact when they moved here dad was still making his bed, when my brother was in his forties, he is 53 now, its now they are moving, l feel that the problem will get worse, but one thing the bungalow will be warden control, had if my mum had a problem with brother losing his temper with dad and mum she could press the button, l will ponder what you have said, l know he is under the doctor, he showing signs of stress, l know he had to go on blood pressure tablets, its is really a hard to see the family like it is.... thank u so much god bless lindann xxx
     
  16. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi lindann, you do have a lot on your plate don't you? The warden assisted accomodation may well help as you say. Can you talk to the GP about your worries, your local Alz branch may also be able to offer support. It sounds as if your all finding the situation quite tough to handle right now.You really do need some professional guidance with all this. My Mum had Alz/Vascular dementia, I think it was more Vascular, so I do have some idea of how your Dad is,. You said your Mum was also disabled, it must be tough. Could it be that with his own problems your brother is struggling to cope at home? I know you are helping all you can, perhaps he is too proud to say? It is so difficult for you, maybe a word from your GP or the specialist would help to sort things a bit to help you all cope? Respite for your Dad is one of the things that could be arranged, I know he wasn't happy about this, but sometimes we have to do what is best for everyone in the picture, not just the dementia sufferer. It would give your Mum and brother a breathing space at home and perhaps they would then be able to think about planning with you how best to cope in the future? Love She. XX
     

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