Advice please

[Dawag]

Hi thank you all for your advice and support when I initially posted- now need some more!
So Mum is awaiting referral to the memory clinic which she has agreed to go to. Mums GP has referred her for an MRI scan which came via text and I stupidly read it out! So total hysteria and refusing to go. Appointment not until 24th of October, so haven’t mentioned it again at the moment. Mum has continued to deteriorate but she’s not yet at the stage where I could “Hoodwink” her into attending. I am currently still staying nights with mum as she cannot really manage dressing and undressing and taking her medication, she also tends to panic after dark, however I have home commitments And this is difficult. I am worried that without a proper diagnosis I won’t know how to help her or what to expect next. A family friend who knows mum well, says I am enabling mum to refuse help by always being available, which I understand, and she does mean well, if I stop spending the night Will it encourage mum to agree to help? She understand s what is happening to her but I don’t feel I can leave her as I am all she has. Also she has deteriorated quite quickly since I have been there for her, for example dressing and medication and not being able to do simple tasks. She seems okay during the day although I do get phone calls and have to nip up there, I’m only five minutes in the car. So any advice appreciated thanks

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hi @Dawag and welcome to Talking Point. Diagnosis or no diagnosis your mum is not likely to improve unless there is another underlying cause for her deterioration. You have got yourself into a situation many of us will recognise as a carer for your mum. It creeps up on you and there you are 'a full time carer'

If you are willing to carry on until you get a diagnosis then do so but you will need to put some care plan in action soon or it will inevitably be you and your previous life will all but disappear. Your mums deterioration sounds quite fast and if she is unable to dress herself and do other simple tasks then she is probably going to need fulltime care quite soon. I used to visit dad for breakfast and then back in the evening for his dinner and medication. I would also take him shopping or out for lunch and to appointments. The time spent always increased and it never got easier. Dad was okay during the day for a while until he wasn't and on it goes.

Do keep posting as this is a really helpful place and you will get a lot of support.

 

[MaNaAk]

Hi thank you all for your advice and support when I initially posted- now need some more!
So Mum is awaiting referral to the memory clinic which she has agreed to go to. Mums GP has referred her for an MRI scan which came via text and I stupidly read it out! So total hysteria and refusing to go. Appointment not until 24th of October, so haven’t mentioned it again at the moment. Mum has continued to deteriorate but she’s not yet at the stage where I could “Hoodwink” her into attending. I am currently still staying nights with mum as she cannot really manage dressing and undressing and taking her medication, she also tends to panic after dark, however I have home commitments And this is difficult. I am worried that without a proper diagnosis I won’t know how to help her or what to expect next. A family friend who knows mum well, says I am enabling mum to refuse help by always being available, which I understand, and she does mean well, if I stop spending the night Will it encourage mum to agree to help? She understand s what is happening to her but I don’t feel I can leave her as I am all she has. Also she has deteriorated quite quickly since I have been there for her, for example dressing and medication and not being able to do simple tasks. She seems okay during the day although I do get phone calls and have to nip up there, I’m only five minutes in the car. So any advice appreciated thanks

The way to get her to that appointment is to use love lies and if you have any special days before then use them to distract her.

Good luck

MaNaAk

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Dawag

I always felt my dad wouldn’t be “hoodwinked” into attending any of his appointments so I used a mixed of bribery and half truth to get him to his appointments. For example I’d tell him we were going for lunch after he’d been for his check-up. When he noticed that he was at the MH unit of the hospital I’d tell him the clinic was there due to the other clinic being refurbished…

I had to wing it, it made me feel like a con-artist but once dad was in the clinic he was ok with the doctors and the promised treat for afterwards stopped him obsessing about what the “idiot doctor” (his words) had said.

 

[MaNaAk]

Hi @Dawag

I always felt my dad wouldn’t be “hoodwinked” into attending any of his appointments so I used a mixed of bribery and half truth to get him to his appointments. For example I’d tell him we were going for lunch after he’d been for his check-up. When he noticed that he was at the MH unit of the hospital I’d tell him the clinic was there due to the other clinic being refurbished…

I had to wing it, it made me feel like a con-artist but once dad was in the clinic he was ok with the doctors and the promised treat for afterwards stopped him obsessing about what the “idiot doctor” (his words) had said.

Dad came to regard his hospital trips as an outing especially as our hospital had Costas!

MaNaAk

 

[Grannie G]

if I stop spending the night Will it encourage mum to agree to help?

Hello @Dawag

The struggle with possible dementia is your mum may not have the logic necessary for bargaining and this is the problem your family friend doesn`t appreciate.

You could try leaving her at night to see how she manages by telling her you have to be at home. She may be fine and is unlikely to come to harm but it is a chance to take. I`m sure you`ll get little sleep that night worrying about your mum but it might be better than you fear.

I used to visit my mother night and morning before and after work . She was very confused but didn`t come to harm. There was no other way it could be managed because I was working full time.

I discussed very little with her about appointments etc. When the time came, as it happened, we just said we were taking her to a doctor to see if there was something to help her.

 

[Dawag]

So just to update, Mum refused to attend scan so I had to cancel it. She did agree to participate in phone appointment with Memory Clinic last Thursday but was in what I now know to be Hostess Mode ! So I dont know what the outcome of that will be, the Lady did ask me some questions but it was difficult in front of Mum. Although I did complete a form before appointment answering questions about how I thought Mum had declined over past 10 years. Also my Partner has for last 4 weeks been in St Thomas Hospital for heart valve replacement had some extra complications ending up in IUC 3 times. When he leaves Hospital I want to look after him which means I cannot and will not be able to continue to stay with Mum. Social Services were quite good and when I thought my Husband would be home earlier arranged a needs assessment for Mum but I cancelled it as my Husband still in Hospital and did not have the energy to ,cajole her into appointment and they need her co-operaction. Mum has not yet reached the stage where she can be hoodwinked into anything! As she panics and is anxious on her own- does not like to be alone at all especially when it is dark she really needs I think a good care home. She is aware of my situation and thinks wrongly she will manage on her own.do I leave her and wait for the inevitable to happen- As Mum will be self funding due to her House do we need Social Services involvement or can I go ahead and arrange something- should she ever agree to it. ? Thank you and apologies for rant but feel I am at the end of my tether with her.

s

 

[MartinWL]

Hi @Dawag , yes if you have POA and your mum is self funding you can just get on with it. Social services won't be involved.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Dawag

On your last point, if you get to the stage where it is realistically possible to consider a care home you don't have to wait for social services if your Mum will be self-funding.

On the question of hoodwinking etc. I would say that it is surprising what one can get away with. I never thought my wife would go to a memory clinic appointment but she did with a little gentle persuasion. This was also true when she tried a day centre, although less successful as she refused to go on the 3rd occasion. She did go to the day centre again because it was part of the same unit that she went to for respite stays. I didn't tell her about going there or - when it came to it - that she was moving permanently to a care home.

I was hesitant to speak to professionals in person or on the phone if I thought that my wife was in earshot. But I realised that if I didn't nothing would get done. It was better just to say what was needed and take the consequences in terms of accusations, sulks or whatever. Sometimes my wife didn't seem to realise what was being said, sometimes she realised only too well, and quite often she totally misunderstood and blamed me for things that I had never said or done. Being prepared to take a few 'hits' (even if undeserved) was better than not risking doing what was necessary.

I hope that some of this might be helpful and wish you good luck.