Advice please

[Dawag]

I am new to this site and am feeling overwhelmed. I am sure my 86 year old Mother has Dementia. It’s been a difficult two years my Dad had vascular dementia and died 18 months ago, then my Sister died unexpectedly in December. But since last October 2020) when Mum had had a ‘virus’ not Covid she had lost a lot of weight cries all the time and wants to die. Is really not in control of her emotions does not want to be on her own at night has breathlessness. She cannot find her words and is forgetting, losing things , I have spent a,it of time staying with her and am at the moment and have noticed a real deterioration in her condition. She will not go to Dr or get memory test, will not go for any respite I have power of Attorney for care and health. How do I get help for her and me. I am at breaking point and cannot cope with her mental and physical health needs. I have responsibilities at home re my husband and really cannot keep staying. But I am worried to leave her Also who determines Capacity and how do you proceed with moving forward if the person won’t co-operate.
Any advice greatly appreciated

 

[karaokePete]

Hello and welcome

I see little alternative to a GP consultation as things other than dementia may be at play and be treatabl.

If you contact the GP with your concerns they may not discuss the matter with you but sometimes they will call the person in for general tests. Sometimes the older generation will obey the request from the GP, even when famity are being refused.

I wish you luck.

 

[Dawag]

Thankyou I didnt Know I could do that so will do so if Mum refuses appointment which she probably will

 

[BluTinks]

If you manage to get appointment with Gp for your mum, I also said they need to check

Urine plus B12 in older women , which might require bloods . Would she like some moral support ? So GP can see who you are.
Actually they do need to check this stuff out so you are not fibbing

 

[canary]

I think you are reaching (if not already reached) the time when you will have to use your POA, over-ride her wants and do things that she needs. In order to use the POA you do not need to get a professional to decide that she has lost POA unless this is specifically stated in the POA. As your mums carer, you are the one who is best placed to decide that she has lost capacity.

 

[Dawag]

Hello and welcome

I see little alternative to a GP consultation as things other than dementia may be at play and be treatabl.

If you contact the GP with your concerns they may not discuss the matter with you but sometimes they will call the person in for general tests. Sometimes the older generation will obey the request from the GP, even when famity are being refused.

I wish you luck.

Hello and welcome

I see little alternative to a GP consultation as things other than dementia may be at play and be treatabl.

If you contact the GP with your concerns they may not discuss the matter with you but sometimes they will call the person in for general tests. Sometimes the older generation will obey the request from the GP, even when famity are being refused.

I wish you luck.

I think you are reaching (if not already reached) the time when you will have to use your POA, over-ride her wants and do things that she needs. In order to use the POA you do not need to get a professional to decide that she has lost POA unless this is specifically stated in the POA. As your mums carer, you are the one who is best placed to decide that she has lost capacity.

Thankyou it’s so hard to know it’s only this last few weeks I’ve noticed the real change although I think you are probably right but Mum will be furious with me and refuse to co operate , so difficult

 

[Rosettastone57]

My mother in law was very much like this. She lived on her own with deteriorating behaviour so my husband wrote to her GP with his concerns. This prompted a home visit and a referral to the memory clinic . This was all pre covid. She had a memory test at home which I attended as well. She also went for a scan and was eventually diagnosed with mixed dementia.

We had POA so we organised carers for initially morning visits and lunch. As far as my mother in law was concerned there was nothing wrong with her. She was rude and aggressive but we ignored her and just organised carers whether she liked it or not. She had carers for 3 years then eventually went into a care home. I'm afraid if you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view, then you will wait forever.

 

[Dawag]

Thank you everyone for your help. I wrote to GP who will do a Home Visit to Mum in 2 weeks bit of a wait but it’s a start. Just need to tell Mum now !

 

[Banjomansmate]

Don’t tell her!

 

[canary]

I agree, dont tell her. It will just give her time to work herself up about it if you do.
If she says anything about it afterwards, just apologise - say you are sorry, but you must have forgotten to tell her.

 

[Dawag]

Yes think not telling her is.the way I will go Thanki

 

[Dawag]

So GP came to see Mum and will refer her to Memory Clinic , will skip over the fallout - what a cruel and deceitful Daughter I am. Why’s I am wondering is the process for diagnosis memory clinic then referral for scan then look at help etc once there is a diagnosis, also if Mum refuses to go to Memory Clinic and / or a scan does that me we can’t have a diagnosis of dementia if that makes sense. Also I am Wondering if there is anything else I should be doing as I am assuming there will be a longer waiting period due to Covid ?

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Dawag, my mum thought I was awful too, and would tell anyone that listened that I had dementia, and that was why I was trying to get her to go to the memory clinic. My brother and I managed with a lot of deceit to get mum to the memory clinic, but she wouldn't talk to the nurse when she knew why we were there. She was fine with going for a scan, but that didn't take us any further forward as the scan just said she had normal signs of aging. By then mum's behaviour was anything but normal! We staggered on for another year, until a meltdown in the doctor's surgery meant they arranged for a psychiatrist to see her at home. That's when probable vascular dementia was diagnosed. Certainly in mum's area there were some services that you could only access with a diagnosis, but I'm not sure that mum would have gone to any of them anyway, and I didn't live close enough to be able to go to things with her regularly. I also contacted her social services department, but they weren't very helpful. They should do an assessment of your mother's needs, even if they won't provide the help she needs, so worth contacting.
In the end we persuaded mum to sell her flat and she agreed to move nearer my brother. The flat we showed her was an extra care one, but we didn't tell her that. By the time mum's flat sold, my brother was seriously ill and mum really needed more support the the flat would have given her. I ended up moving her to a care home near me, telling her it was a temporary move to a 'nice place', as the new flat wasn't ready yet. In lots of ways my mum seemed pretty capable, and she certainly valued her independence, but she was so unaware of the danger she was putting herself in. Your mother sounds rather similar. In the end you just have to do what is in your mum's best interests, even if that is not what she wants.

 

[Dawag]

Hi Sarasa
Thankyou , you are right your Mother and mine do sound similar. I don’t think Mum will engage with anyone as she doesn’t want to know really.Luckily I nearby and am staying with mum nights and sorting out morning meditation etc. But difficult to do indefinitely. Needs assessment seems like a good place to start but can’t see Mum agreeing at the moment. I suppose I am thinking of a Care Home as Mum condition gets worse as she does not like being on her own especially of a night time and has periods of panic and anxiety, As you say what she needs and what she wants can be different

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @Dawag

My mum is near the end now but she still only has a “probable” diagnosis of vascular dementia, which was made after I had moved her into a care home from hospital following a stroke. We had muddled along for a couple of years with me looking after her, with no diagnosis or medication. Whenever anyone has tried to do any tests since then, mum had become very agitated. She punched one nurse who tried to take blood tests ? (I suppose she just didn’t want a stranger putting a needle in her arm, which is fair enough).

Feisty mums, there is nothing quite like them! Add dementia and it’s a bit of a battle. I hope the forum can help you along the way though with plentiful support and advice.

 

[Dawag]

Thank you for your advice-now need some more. So Dr has booked anMRI scan for Mum on 24th October appointment came through via text I stupidly read it out to Mum who had complete hysterics and has refused to go - so have not mentioned it since. Mum has not yet reached the stage where she could be “hoodwinked “ into attending and I am worried because surely we need a diagnosis and an idea what to expect next. I have been staying over night for last 7;weeks as a Mum can’t seem to cope dressing and undressing and medication, her decline seems quite rapid , she won’t have Carer to help and she does get afraid once it is dark so will struggle alone of a night - but I have home commitments too , Mum just tells me I can leave her to cope but she probably knows I won’t do that. She is very difficult but I am all she now has. A Family Friend has said I am enabling Mum to be dependent on me and should try leaving her as it ma6 make her realise she needs help apart from me. I can’t bring myself to do that and Friend has no experience of dementia although is well intentioned. Does Dementia progress quickly and do you need a medical diagnosis for access support? I feel without the Scan I won’t know what to expect but am pretty sure Mum won’t go - still waiting for Memory Clinic -sorr6 lots of questions ! Any advice would be welcome!