My mum has had symptoms of dementia for many years, these have deteriorated over the past year. My step dad who cares for her was recently admitted to hospital, we tried to look after her as felt she wasn't safe alone. She refused all help saying she was fine but started repeatedly calling the hospital demanding they send her husband home finally threatening to kill herself. As a result she was admitted and has been assessed as not having capacity. My step dad is still in hospital and has been told he will not be well enough to care for mum when he returns home. Mum has been admitted to a specialist nursing home where she has been behaving quite aggressively. She has to be in isolation for 10 days due to covid and there is a keypad lock on her room. Mum thinks she is in a hotel, but also is being kept against her will. She doesn't remember her husband is in hospital. When I spoke to her yesterday she was very angry and threatened to never speak to me again unless I went to get her. This is not my mum and I was heartbroken for her. The staff are doing their best but I feel terrible, she is 90 and manages all her activities of daily living but has lost her capacity for thinking normally. Would welcome any advice.
Advice please
- Thread starter Beverly L
- Start date
Its really difficult but you need to tell yourself it is the dementia speaking and not your mum. I'm sorry you are going through such a stressful situation but it will get better. If you search for threads on care homes and residential care you will find that a lot of people have struggled initially but once this has become the PWD's new reality they often thrive with the extra support, good nutrition and often better hydration than at home.
Hi @BeverleyL and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is a very friendly and supportive place and you'll get lots of ideas and advice here.
It sounds like your step-dad was doing a great job of looking after your mum until he became ill, as her dementia sounds quite advanced. The move to a care home isn't helped by all the restrictions in place due to covid but it sounds like she is in the right place. My mum moved into care a couple of years ago. At the time she could just about look after herself, but she'd lost her ability to reason about things logically.
This thread might give you some ideas Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired for when talking to your mum. Maybe say she's there as she hasn't been well and can come home when the doctor says she can. Then distract by talking about something else entirely. It's a difficult situation but I don't think your mum would cope at home even with carers coming in. It has taken my mother a long while to settle, but she finally seems content in her care home, so I hope the same will happen with your mother.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with their ideas.
It sounds like your step-dad was doing a great job of looking after your mum until he became ill, as her dementia sounds quite advanced. The move to a care home isn't helped by all the restrictions in place due to covid but it sounds like she is in the right place. My mum moved into care a couple of years ago. At the time she could just about look after herself, but she'd lost her ability to reason about things logically.
This thread might give you some ideas Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired for when talking to your mum. Maybe say she's there as she hasn't been well and can come home when the doctor says she can. Then distract by talking about something else entirely. It's a difficult situation but I don't think your mum would cope at home even with carers coming in. It has taken my mother a long while to settle, but she finally seems content in her care home, so I hope the same will happen with your mother.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with their ideas.
Thank you so much, I will have a look, I think it's the speed at which it has happened.
Thank you so much, it is heartwarming to hear that it will get better, it really helps.
