Oh, Jennifer 1967. I really hesitate to write this post as I realise I can’t really fully understand the situation you are caught up in. You’ve clearly been in an abusive relationship long before dementia reared it’s ugly head. Your husband has controlled every aspect of your behaviour and for whatever reason, you have let him. Now is the time to stop. Because of his dementia, you do at least have professional services involved, even if they may not be as helpful as you would wish. You absolutely do not have to put up with him deciding what you should and shouldn’t say to carers and you do not have to put up with his potential threat of violence. You say that he’s repeatedly told healthcare professionals that “he can’t control his temper“ and their response is along the lines of, “Oh, okay, then.”
That is completely unacceptable. You need to forget about this angry man you’ve been shackled to for so long. Nobody can truly help him, dementia or not, but you need to understand your main responsibility is to yourself. You need to look after your own health needs and more importantly, look to a more positive future for yourself.
I realise this will be hard to do, but I hope that with the support of your children and grandchildren, you can find a way to leave your appalling husband for a better life with some peace in it. My PWD isn’t a spouse, so I can only imagine how much harder life is for the carer, but one life should never be sacrificed for another if it can be avoided. I hope your children can step up to the plate, they need to know that their mother can’t carry on like this.
I’ve found the Admiral Nurses really helpful. They are there to support the carer, rather than the caree. They will be more concerned for your welfare than that of your husband and that's what you need right now. They can give you helpful links to organisations that may be able to help you.
Good luck, stay strong and don’t let the old b***** beat you down!