• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

advice please

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
Hugs @jennifer1967! Can anyone else in a similar situation to @jennifer1967 offer advice please! I really think carers would be a good idea and you could pretend that they are coming to help you.

MaNaAk
problem is he needs another assessment by adult services, who cant be bothered to contact me even with safeguarding. he has capacity to be able to make his own decisions and will say no[which shows he knows what hes doing and not just dementia talking]. they think is independent because he can cook a dinner and make a cup of tea. if he says no then they cant go beyond that. hes vetoed help for me. if im in pain, then jobs wait until i can do them. im asking him if i can have....... over the simplest things, [night-dresses and pj bottoms this time] when if he wants something he gets it. my books come and hes like i didnt know you ordered them. we have to have a financial assessment because we rent our house and have no savings so reliant on LA. i told him last night he scares me and the reason and he says he can see that but its just the way he is. even the doctor has not contacted me. im not putting myself at greater risk again so will have to put up with it
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
73
0
So sorry to read what you are dealing with at the moment. I had this dreadful stage with my husband also. Shouting ,accusations, shoving me outside, ranting in the car while I was driving .Too many horrid things to mention. I was floundering ,not knowing how to cope. The best thing I managed to do was ,when he was on one of his mega rants, pushing, accusing threatening etc. I had my phone on hand and managed to call the mental health team and held the phone all the time so they could hear everything going on. To their credit a team arrived at the house quite soon. As you can guess he was sweetness and light when they showed their faces! From that they reassessed him and changed his meds and sent a member of staff to see him on a weekly basis. Sadly he passed away last year, I miss him dreadfully. I never blamed him for the bad months of dementia as he did not have control of his feelings. Those few months when he was Mr Angry do not linger with me now. It is his passing that is my worst memory .So painful for me I can't shake it off. Get intouch with the mental health team and don't hold back with the details. Write it down and keep a log if you can. I hope you get the assistance you need. Look after your self it is important, you will need all the strength you can muster .
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
So sorry to read what you are dealing with at the moment. I had this dreadful stage with my husband also. Shouting ,accusations, shoving me outside, ranting in the car while I was driving .Too many horrid things to mention. I was floundering ,not knowing how to cope. The best thing I managed to do was ,when he was on one of his mega rants, pushing, accusing threatening etc. I had my phone on hand and managed to call the mental health team and held the phone all the time so they could hear everything going on. To their credit a team arrived at the house quite soon. As you can guess he was sweetness and light when they showed their faces! From that they reassessed him and changed his meds and sent a member of staff to see him on a weekly basis. Sadly he passed away last year, I miss him dreadfully. I never blamed him for the bad months of dementia as he did not have control of his feelings. Those few months when he was Mr Angry do not linger with me now. It is his passing that is my worst memory .So painful for me I can't shake it off. Get intouch with the mental health team and don't hold back with the details. Write it down and keep a log if you can. I hope you get the assistance you need. Look after your self it is important, you will need all the strength you can muster .
thank you @marshal, the only way i would get a mental health team is if the GP referred him. my husband has pushed, hit, slapped and shouted at me before dementia so dementia has exaggerated what was already there although, to his credit, he hasnt physically attacked me for a few years.i phoned the doctor two weeks ago and she said that frustration and aggression is a symptom for vascular dementia and there are no tablets to slow it down but treat the symptoms so she up his anti-depressants by 10mg to see if that will calm him down and to a point it has. i emailed the doctor a week ago explaining what he was still like and not receive any reply. someone raised a safeguarding to adult services which was not responded to. i put myself at risk by speaking out and ive had no response at all trying to help myself. no-one listens i have to get on with it myself.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
207
0
I would ring the surgery and insist on a call back from a doctor - any doctor - today. I have to say our surgery is always quite helpful, and doesn't have "dragon" receptionists, but, if that is a problem, ask to speak to the practice manager.
I would like to think that I am a quite polite person, but dealing with dementia has made me much more forceful, and I'm now very unwilling to take no for an answer! I would say something along the lines of "How will you feel when he kills me, and you did nothing?" Now, I'm not suggesting for a moment that your husband is going to kill you, but none the less he frightens you, and this behaviour is not going to suddenly disappear.
Mum takes a cocktail of drugs: Mirtazapine, Quetiapine and, Lorazepam as a "just in case". She isn't violent," just" very agitated and restless.It has sometimes been a battle to get medications prescribed beause I think most doctors have very little idea of the reality of living with someone with dementia.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
I would ring the surgery and insist on a call back from a doctor - any doctor - today. I have to say our surgery is always quite helpful, and doesn't have "dragon" receptionists, but, if that is a problem, ask to speak to the practice manager.
I would like to think that I am a quite polite person, but dealing with dementia has made me much more forceful, and I'm now very unwilling to take no for an answer! I would say something along the lines of "How will you feel when he kills me, and you did nothing?" Now, I'm not suggesting for a moment that your husband is going to kill you, but none the less he frightens you, and this behaviour is not going to suddenly disappear.
Mum takes a cocktail of drugs: Mirtazapine, Quetiapine and, Lorazepam as a "just in case". She isn't violent," just" very agitated and restless.It has sometimes been a battle to get medications prescribed beause I think most doctors have very little idea of the reality of living with someone with dementia.
thank you @lollyc i managed to get my husband to phone GP 2 weeks ago when she increase his anti-depressant although she said he doesnt sound depressed. she told me to contact again if it werent having and effect which is what i did in the email. i have also raised it with the person who raised safeguarding so they are in the loop and am trying to do it covertly so im not place at risk because he knows ive told them. he doesnt know about any of it. i wanted the doctor just to phone on the excuse of a review of tablets after email which i said dont disclose all the contents, that hasnt happened. i told them what hes like. i told my husband that a doctor might phone. if i tell him ive told the doctor, i dont trust his reaction which is why i did it the secret way.i dont want to lay myself open.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
207
0
thank you @lollyc i managed to get my husband to phone GP 2 weeks ago when she increase his anti-depressant although she said he doesnt sound depressed. she told me to contact again if it werent having and effect which is what i did in the email. i have also raised it with the person who raised safeguarding so they are in the loop and am trying to do it covertly so im not place at risk because he knows ive told them. he doesnt know about any of it. i wanted the doctor just to phone on the excuse of a review of tablets after email which i said dont disclose all the contents, that hasnt happened. i told them what hes like. i told my husband that a doctor might phone. if i tell him ive told the doctor, i dont trust his reaction which is why i did it the secret way.i dont want to lay myself open.


I think the problem with emails is that they aren't treated as urgent. Can you make a quick covert call to the surgery to explain that this really needs dealing with now? Does the doctor understand that you can't openly speak to them about your husband, but that his view of the situation is not the same as yours?
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
I think the problem with emails is that they aren't treated as urgent. Can you make a quick covert call to the surgery to explain that this really needs dealing with now? Does the doctor understand that you can't openly speak to them about your husband, but that his view of the situation is not the same as yours?
thats a possibility, ive told them in an email not to discuss it openly. problem is with our doctors you phone up, have to tell receptionists something then wait for the call back from the GP so could be any time in next few hours. i emailed the practice manager but put doctors name on it. he tried to push me yesterday and shouted at me last night so i need to do something. i need to phone the GPS anyway for me so could slide it in there.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
207
0
thanks @lollyc i have a call back appt for myself and will mention it while im talking to them as i can legitimately go to a different room if its about myself
That's good. Hopefully your GP will be able to pass on your concerns, or may even have some suggestions. Sometimes another view of the situation is useful. Another thought: Can you record one of his aggressive outbursts? (I don't have that sort of phone, so understand if you can't.) You could then send / play this to GP / SS / whoever, so that they can understand what is going on.
Fingers crossed you can get some help today.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
207
0
thanks @lollyc i have a call back appt for myself and will mention it while im talking to them as i can legitimately go to a different room if its about myself
That's good. Hopefully your GP will be able to pass on your concerns, or may even have some suggestions. Sometimes another view of the situation is useful. Another thought: Can you record one of his aggressive outbursts? (I don't have that sort of phone, so understand if you can't.) You could then send / play this to GP / SS / whoever, so that they can understand what is going on.
Fingers crossed you can get some help today.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
That's good. Hopefully your GP will be able to pass on your concerns, or may even have some suggestions. Sometimes another view of the situation is useful. Another thought: Can you record one of his aggressive outbursts? (I don't have that sort of phone, so understand if you can't.) You could then send / play this to GP / SS / whoever, so that they can understand what is going on.
Fingers crossed you can get some help today.
thank you may just need to add another tablet on. ive sort of suggested it in the maybe you could....... category. im never quick enough to record them
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
well the GP has been in touch as i have an UTI[wonderful]. also got to be tested for covid as ive been ill since my first jab last wednesday. asked about my husband and his GP will contact me which was better than i was getting. talk about slow but i suppose they have to cover themselves
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
207
0
well the GP has been in touch as i have an UTI[wonderful]. also got to be tested for covid as ive been ill since my first jab last wednesday. asked about my husband and his GP will contact me which was better than i was getting. talk about slow but i suppose they have to cover themselves
So pleased that you have at least made contact. Hopefully things will move forward now.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
four weeks later, safeguarding, escalation and another concerned email, i finally had contact with adult services. guess what, my husband has capacity so unless he accepts support and help, theres nothing they can do. could have a sitter which he wont accept, what do i do when im housebound and cant go out of the house. CBT has cut sessions as its not safe for me to do relaxation exercises so cant do any more but if im ok in couple of years, maybe we could look at it again, also because im a carer, i dont have big blocks of time to spend on activities. i do them in shorter time span but.........
SS has even suggested direct payments so he can have control but his control is to say no.
i say anything and he flares up like tonight. i feel invisible. hes allowed to treat me the way he wants but if he has capacity, he has control and rights i dont have. nothing to do with dementia or capacity is fair to the carer. ive been ill for the last 2 weeks but still have to care and keep the house up together as much as i can. he said on his anniversary card today that he knows hes hard work. hes flared up again tonight and unless he says yes, theres really nothing that can be done.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
425
0
HI @jennifer1967 Glad to see your husband is coming round to the idea of going out for a little while with someone which hopefully will give you a much needed break. I know how difficult it can be to persuade PWD to do something as my dad would always refuse any suggestions we made to try and keep him active and interested in something other than TV. Sadly dad wouldn't even go out with sister or I to walk his dog. As you indicate maybe its the way change is suggested that can be deciding factor on whether husband will go for something different, fingers crossed for you.
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
118,829
Messages
1,739,759
Members
69,635
Latest member
Dom62