• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

advice please

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
I don’t think the answer is to leave him, I think you should stay where you are.

If this continues then the answer is that he can benefit from residential care. Maybe my advice is premature, but on the long term how good is medication at solving problems?

That way you could still visit and maintain a very positive relationship.

No one knows better than you the pain and hurdles that would take place before that happens, particularly as he has capacity at present.

Between now and then the thing you can do to best help yourself is compile evidence, no one is going to want to pick up the care bill without lots and lots of lovely evidence!
thank you, i dont think leaving him is the answer and not sure i could cope with that. i think im better to check all the options. i believe that you have to work on the marriage and dont take my marriage vows likely. ive sorted out the access code to give to the doctors to see the poa. i will include it with an email explaining about hes not stable and suggesting reasons for it. if i was going to leave him i would have done it years ago. im trying to be fair to him and me and see if i can get him the help that he needs. after next weekend, he can go out which will give me space. i just want him to have the best quality of life he can have. i just want the best for him
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
I don’t think the answer is to leave him, I think you should stay where you are.

If this continues then the answer is that he can benefit from residential care. Maybe my advice is premature, but on the long term how good is medication at solving problems?

That way you could still visit and maintain a very positive relationship.

No one knows better than you the pain and hurdles that would take place before that happens, particularly as he has capacity at present.

Between now and then the thing you can do to best help yourself is compile evidence, no one is going to want to pick up the care bill without lots and lots of lovely evidence!
thanks @Weasell i dont want to leave him but help him all i can as a wife/carer. ive just emailed the doctor the access code for the online poa which was my excuse so he knows im emailing them. ive told him i mentioned his leg hurting which he complains about sometimes but takes painkillers so that if the doctor phones hes not alarmed and will be happy to do a review of the extra tablet. i have to make it hes in control.
i am really anxious now that i have done it. hes only argued once this morning and yes ive not responded. i put music on so he relaxes. i hope some good comes out of it. ive also told her of the safeguarding and that i havent told him as im afraid of his reaction and im a vulnerable adult. i feel very sick but i cant go on protecting him and his behaviour. hope ive done the right thing. will soon see.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,972
0
Essex
Dear @jennifer1967,

I'm rather hoping that the GP will at least recommend respite care in a local care home. This way you can see how he will get on with other people and I would that if he got on well you may want to consider permanent care. You are doing a brilliant job and are going above and beyond. It is time for you to think of yourself.

Hugs

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
Dear @jennifer1967,

I'm rather hoping that the GP will at least recommend respite care in a local care home. This way you can see how he will get on with other people and I would that if he got on well you may want to consider permanent care. You are doing a brilliant job and are going above and beyond. It is time for you to think of yourself.

Hugs

MaNaAk
thank you @MaNaAk im sure they wont do that before they send carers in. the LA will have to fund his care and they are not going to do that until theyve tried other things. medication will probably first. to be honest, adult services havent even got in touch with me yet and that was last tuesday. obviously not that concerned. i dont think we are that far yet if i compare the residents that i looked after to him, hes no where near that but i need some help to help him. and hes got capacity to say no. the social worker said to him that she would leave it up to him to ask for help when he thought the time had come for him to accept help
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,353
0
High Peak
I think you are in an impossible situation. You are heading for carer breakdown (if you're not there already!) and I am really concerned about your wellbeing.

I know you're reluctant to ask anything of your children but they are grown ups and you are - both - their parents. It's time they stepped up and supported you instead of dismissing your concerns. I notice you said in an earlier post that you did leave him for a few days but that they were upset! Weren't they concerned about you? It must have taken a lot for you to leave - obviously not something you would do lightly so they really should have offered you support. And the same applies now. They are only thinking of their father (and refusing to see the true picture) and not you.

Are you close enough to one of them to have a proper heart to heart? Surely if they knew that he was so controlling and reducing you to tears several times a day they would do something? Yes, I know it's all the more difficult due to covid but they really need to be helping you with your husband, not abandoning you.

I'm guessing that asking for help or admitting you are floundering is very hard for you. I'm the same so I know how that feels. But the time has come, @jennifer1967 . You need help. Who will look after your husband if/when you have a breakdown?
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
I think you are in an impossible situation. You are heading for carer breakdown (if you're not there already!) and I am really concerned about your wellbeing.

I know you're reluctant to ask anything of your children but they are grown ups and you are - both - their parents. It's time they stepped up and supported you instead of dismissing your concerns. I notice you said in an earlier post that you did leave him for a few days but that they were upset! Weren't they concerned about you? It must have taken a lot for you to leave - obviously not something you would do lightly so they really should have offered you support. And the same applies now. They are only thinking of their father (and refusing to see the true picture) and not you.

Are you close enough to one of them to have a proper heart to heart? Surely if they knew that he was so controlling and reducing you to tears several times a day they would do something? Yes, I know it's all the more difficult due to covid but they really need to be helping you with your husband, not abandoning you.

I'm guessing that asking for help or admitting you are floundering is very hard for you. I'm the same so I know how that feels. But the time has come, @jennifer1967 . You need help. Who will look after your husband if/when you have a breakdown?
thank you @Jaded'n'faded. i told him to go and he left. i had 3 young children at the time so stayed in the home. even when they got older and i had another baby. they used to blame me. there is a 19 yr age gap between us and he was more lenient with them. he worked long hours as a lorry driver so they were glad when he was home. i explained to my oldest son what was happening and he said i should have asked for help and there are people around me that will help. he came over and lasted about an hour. then had to go. my husband was in fine form with him laughing and joking like nothing had happened. my daughter was worse as i tried to tell her and she changed the subject. she works in a pharmacy and bought the extra tablet the doctor gave to calm him down. he was the same with her. he says he doesnt feel safe with anyone but me and certainly wont accept anyone else helping at the moment. last year my health nose dived and ended up in hospital. i had to discharge myself as there was no one to supervise him and he was fiddling with his tablets so i came home because he wasnt safe. because im housebound, they tend to leave me as im there anyway. because i used to work as a carer in a care home for dementia residents they think i can do everything.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
im glad to say yesterday, he was better as the air was damp so he was very breathless. he couldnt a lot. today hes back up but not been too bad. took the fun out of me a few times and grabbed but not flared up. emailed the doctor yesterday but have not heard anything today. im now doubting myself and whether ive over-reacted but my head says i havent so just got to wait now. his birthday tomorrow. my daughter is coming down so make it a nice day.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,972
0
Essex
thank you @Jaded'n'faded. i told him to go and he left. i had 3 young children at the time so stayed in the home. even when they got older and i had another baby. they used to blame me. there is a 19 yr age gap between us and he was more lenient with them. he worked long hours as a lorry driver so they were glad when he was home. i explained to my oldest son what was happening and he said i should have asked for help and there are people around me that will help. he came over and lasted about an hour. then had to go. my husband was in fine form with him laughing and joking like nothing had happened. my daughter was worse as i tried to tell her and she changed the subject. she works in a pharmacy and bought the extra tablet the doctor gave to calm him down. he was the same with her. he says he doesnt feel safe with anyone but me and certainly wont accept anyone else helping at the moment. last year my health nose dived and ended up in hospital. i had to discharge myself as there was no one to supervise him and he was fiddling with his tablets so i came home because he wasnt safe. because im housebound, they tend to leave me as im there anyway. because i used to work as a carer in a care home for dementia residents they think i can do everything.
Dear @jennifer1967,

I think that you should introduce carers as friends and tell a few love lies. I got away with this with dad and left him watching TV with the carer for the first time and they got on very well. He got on better with lady carers first of all so you could try this and see what happens.

Good luck

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,972
0
Essex
thank you @Jaded'n'faded. i told him to go and he left. i had 3 young children at the time so stayed in the home. even when they got older and i had another baby. they used to blame me. there is a 19 yr age gap between us and he was more lenient with them. he worked long hours as a lorry driver so they were glad when he was home. i explained to my oldest son what was happening and he said i should have asked for help and there are people around me that will help. he came over and lasted about an hour. then had to go. my husband was in fine form with him laughing and joking like nothing had happened. my daughter was worse as i tried to tell her and she changed the subject. she works in a pharmacy and bought the extra tablet the doctor gave to calm him down. he was the same with her. he says he doesnt feel safe with anyone but me and certainly wont accept anyone else helping at the moment. last year my health nose dived and ended up in hospital. i had to discharge myself as there was no one to supervise him and he was fiddling with his tablets so i came home because he wasnt safe. because im housebound, they tend to leave me as im there anyway. because i used to work as a carer in a care home for dementia residents they think i can do everything.
Dear @jennifer1967,

I think that you should introduce carers as friends and tell a few love lies. I got away with this with dad and left him watching TV with the carer for the first time and they got on very well. He got on better with lady carers first of all so you could try this and see what happens.

Good luck

MaNaAk
Dear @jennifer1967,

I think that you should introduce carers as friends and tell a few love lies. I got away with this with dad and left him watching TV with the carer for the first time and they got on very well. He got on better with lady carers first of all so you could try this and see what happens.

Good luck

MaNaAk
Also I wish him Happy Birthday for tomorrow.

MaNaAk
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,720
0
Dorset
If your daughter is spending some time with you tomorrow it will be interesting to see if he can hold it together for the whole length of her visit, or does the change of personnel in the house help change his mood?
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
If your daughter is spending some time with you tomorrow it will be interesting to see if he can hold it together for the whole length of her visit, or does the change of personnel in the house help change his mood?
no he will be on fine form with her. she just dropping off some painkillers for me but im hoping she has remembered his birthday is tomorrow. he cant hold too much of a conversation. ive got my jab on wed at home so he might have to manage.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
299
0
I did that last week @Banjomansmate when my OH had a real meltdown and locked the doors from the inside and pocketed the keys. I laid my phone down so it could record everything, but I also had to call his son to come and help, and it was the first time he had seen his dad so aggressive, and he was quite shocked. Luckily I had the spare keys, but it was scary.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,012
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
I did that last week @Banjomansmate when my OH had a real meltdown and locked the doors from the inside and pocketed the keys. I laid my phone down so it could record everything, but I also had to call his son to come and help, and it was the first time he had seen his dad so aggressive, and he was quite shocked. Luckily I had the spare keys, but it was scary.
That's exactly what happened to me some months ago. Now I have hidden all the keys except for two to use in case I have to lock myself in a safe place. I keep them on as a sort of necklace .
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
he woken up in a good mood for his birthday. i got him a zip-up cardigan which he likes but best of all its got pockets!!! thankyou pockets. he has declined as he had difficulty unwrapping his present and reading the card i gave him. it was a year last week he had his diagnosis and is frightening how fast hes gone down hill in such a short time. he had it for a year before diagnosis. i still love him very much and thats never going to change.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
Good morning @jennifer1967,

I hope everything's okay today.

MaNaAk
we seem to have calmed down although still laughs at me but at least he is not flaring at the moment. no contact from adult services re safeguarding or GP after i sent an email. i put myself at risk by doing it and nothing. he made fun of my aching arm when i had a jab. about going out to vote, applied for postal vote. told all the kids and they just said its part of his illness and no offers of help. im not going to report if he does anything else as im not putting myself at risk again and be ignored. every time he starts flaring, i tense up. i have to rely on myself. if he can belittle me, criticize me or demand he does.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
havent posted for few days as he was calming down and it appeared the tablet was doing the trick. came down from having a shower to give him his tablets and he roared he wanted his tablets. it scared me so much that i gave him his tablets and sat down shaking. i dont trust him as he erupts out of nothing. ive said that if he does it again, hes sorting himself out. neither adult services or the doctors have responded to safeguarding or my email.
 

Forum statistics

Threads
118,829
Messages
1,739,755
Members
69,635
Latest member
Dom62