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advice please

Kathgle

New member
Jul 19, 2021
1
0
Oh my goodness Jennifer, we are living the same life! I came on here after a terrible few days experiencing the aggression and demands exactly as you describe. Im at a loss how to deal with it and feel so isolated. He puts on a front when family are around so they don't really understand how bad it gets. I try to be understanding and know its his alzheimers and dementia but its just so hard to live with isn't it?
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,927
0
Southampton
Oh my goodness Jennifer, we are living the same life! I came on here after a terrible few days experiencing the aggression and demands exactly as you describe. Im at a loss how to deal with it and feel so isolated. He puts on a front when family are around so they don't really understand how bad it gets. I try to be understanding and know its his alzheimers and dementia but its just so hard to live with isn't it?
its hard @Kathgle but ive had a lot of support from the forum. when ive had a bad day or hes been particularly nasty, i come on the forum and get support that way. finding outside help, i have found, is tough but as things open up, this might be easier. my husband goes to mens shed 2 mornings a week. he also was referred to OPMH and has just started on memantine which seems to calm him down. with vascular dementia he has, there are no tablets that will slow progression down but can help the symptoms unlike alzheimers and they generally go down in steps. ive actually stepped back on flash points eg. choking he has to certain food which is a flashpoint so i blame the dietician, gp, in fact anyone that is not me therefore he cant bite back at me. if he starts, i say either you stop or i will be in my room. usually works. im starting to pull back on other things as well so im not so emotionally involved.
someone will be along to give you the link from compassionate communication which might or might not work
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,983
0
Essex
Dear @jennifer1967 and @Kathgle,

I never had the demands from dad but I developed an inner strength as a carer to deal with aggression, getting help and dad's symptoms of seeing people who weren't there. I remember in my early days on this forum telling everyone that I was amazed at how they cope.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,927
0
Southampton
Oh my goodness Jennifer, we are living the same life! I came on here after a terrible few days experiencing the aggression and demands exactly as you describe. Im at a loss how to deal with it and feel so isolated. He puts on a front when family are around so they don't really understand how bad it gets. I try to be understanding and know its his alzheimers and dementia but its just so hard to live with isn't it?
its hard @Kathgle but ive had a lot of support from the forum. when ive had a bad day or hes been particularly nasty, i come on the forum and get support that way. finding outside help, i have found, is tough but as things open up, this might be easier. my husband goes to mens shed 2 mornings a week. he also was referred to OPMH and has just started on memantine which seems to calm him down. with vascular dementia he has, there are no tablets that will slow progression down but can help the symptoms unlike alzheimers and they generally go down in steps. ive actually stepped back on flash points eg. choking he has to certain food which is a flashpoint so i blame the dietician, gp, in fact anyone that is not me therefore he cant bite back at me. if he starts, i say either you stop or i will be in my room. usually works. im starting to pull back on other things as well so im not so emotionally involved.
someone will be along to give you the link from compassionate communication which might or might not work
Dear @jennifer1967 and @Kathgle,

I never had the demands from dad but I developed an inner strength as a carer to deal with aggression, getting help and dad's symptoms of seeing people who weren't there. I remember in my early days on this forum telling everyone that I was amazed at how they cope.

MaNaAk
morning @MaNaAk i think the heat is zapping the energy out of him as well as the tablets. its already hot and i have no energy. need to do things today but at a very slow pace
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,927
0
Southampton
Dear @jennifer1967 and @Kathgle,

I never had the demands from dad but I developed an inner strength as a carer to deal with aggression, getting help and dad's symptoms of seeing people who weren't there. I remember in my early days on this forum telling everyone that I was amazed at how they cope.

MaNaAk
morning @MaNaAk i think the heat and his tablets are zapping the life out of him. ive got to do things today but very slowly.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,129
0
Kent
Hello @Kathgle. Welcome to Talking Point
someone will be along to give you the link from compassionate communication which might or might not work

 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,927
0
Southampton
thats most of his clothes in the wardrobe gone. he got to big. there was a jumper with a price tag still attached and all the shirts. someone is going to get a wardrobe full of clothes.
i discovered a dress i had forgotten i had so that will be worn.
cold water in a hot water bottle works. i was so hot in his room that i felt faint but this has cooled me down. sit down for the rest of the afternoon and do not much.
 

Ruth1974

Registered User
Dec 26, 2018
128
0
my husband has vascular dementia and is constantly ordering and demanding. hes constantly nagging me to do what he wants. immediately. i need to shorten his jeans so nagged again until i do them. i make sure the house is clean for him and he always has clean clothes. always got what he needs and wants. he explodes when he gets frustrated. tonight he has shouted at me and told me he doesnt want to see me again tonight. i gave him his meds and he was still stroppy. ive left him there. even nagging me about i havent had the jab yet, ive no control over that and his shouting is not going to get it any quicker.
the kids dont see any difference in him. its usually me thats the mad one. he takes the rise out of me and laughs about it. says stupid things then laughs. he can still cook but it doesnt wash things out very well. i have tried to ignore what he says not react but he scares me when he shouts. tonight for the first time in a while, i locked the bathroom door while having a shower. didnt feel safe to leave it unlocked. the other thing he does that i dont know how to handle is that he gropes. i have to go past his chair to go out the front room door and his hands is are outstretched to grab me. we have separate rooms and we dont have a physical relationship as such. we will hug and kiss goodnight but not any further. hes always been short-tempered but this is ongoing every day. i have to jump to commands. he presents like you wouldnt think anything is wrong. it hurts and all i can do is cry which seems to make no difference. we dont have carers and wont as he has capacity to say no. the dementia has exaggerated the temper he already had. any ideas?
Take away the word Dementia and you are the victim of domestic abuse. I am angry that you are not being supported. I wonder if Women's Aid would help you?

They kept telling me he had capacity and therefore I had to cope with it right up until the day he tried to strangle my teenage son. That focused their minds a bit and suddenly capacity was 'just a formality.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,927
0
Southampton
they have done capacity test and yes he can control everything. if he doesnt want to do something theres nothing they could do. he started memantine and it increases each week to the max of 20mg. hes been calmer but the agencies are inadequate. have communication from a organization part of womens aid but im housebound carer and apparently its a difficult for services to support me. and national helpline as well which was better. phoned me today with same empty promises and phone in a few weeks. hes admitted it all as well and still its domestic its this, just excuses.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,927
0
Southampton
Good morning @jennifer1967 if you type in @Chazronaldo we are all advising him to keep on at those professionals.

MaNaAk
morning @MaNaAk i have just read it all. i have kept on at the professionals as well as others on my behalf. they are deaf to anything anyone says. its gets to a point when you can do no more and he has capacity so hes in charge. ive given up on there being any help and feel drained that i cant shout any louder or longer than i have and totally tired of the whole system that shouts out we cant be bothered so dont call us.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,983
0
Essex
What amazes me is that we are trying to make ordinary people more aware of dementia and yet some professionals don't seem to know much either! Dad appeared to be okay when he could still put on a good host mode.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,927
0
Southampton
What amazes me is that we are trying to make ordinary people more aware of dementia and yet some professionals don't seem to know much either! Dad appeared to be okay when he could still put on a good host mode.

MaNaAk
i had to explain host mode to the consultant of OPMH unbelievable!!!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,927
0
Southampton
you are going to laugh, last night in the heat, i thought my fan in the living room had died. in a state of panic, ive ordered a new one. i found out this morning the plug of the extension i was using was not plugged in. a picture had fallen off the wall and knocked the plug out of the socket. looked this morning after my laptop battery said was low but was plugged in. put plug back in and the fan is now working. how stupid can i get!!! another fan coming so can always use another one. the heat is obviously getting to me and frazzled the brain.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,956
0
High Peak
you are going to laugh, last night in the heat, i thought my fan in the living room had died. in a state of panic, ive ordered a new one. i found out this morning the plug of the extension i was using was not plugged in. a picture had fallen off the wall and knocked the plug out of the socket. looked this morning after my laptop battery said was low but was plugged in. put plug back in and the fan is now working. how stupid can i get!!! another fan coming so can always use another one. the heat is obviously getting to me and frazzled the brain.
I've had a similar thing happen. Got up in the morning to find several things (including my router) not working. Checked everything was plugged in and it was, just no power, yet other things in the house were working. After much head scratching I discovered a plugboard I use (which has 4 things plugged into it) also has a rocker switch for on/off and this had somehow been pressed, turning all 4 appliances off. Easily remedied once I'd found it, but how....?

Later I watched my 4 cats playing chase round the back of the settee where this plug board is and it dawned on me that they were the culprits. I've explained the issue to them and told them not to do it again... :)