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advice please

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,973
0
Essex
Dear @jennifer1967,

We are concerned about you, you are important too. I think your children should phone everyday to make sure you're alright. I think you should record these outbursts and play them to them.

Hugs

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
Dear @jennifer1967,

We are concerned about you, you are important too. I think your children should phone everyday to make sure you're alright. I think you should record these outbursts and play them to them.

Hugs

MaNaAk
the flare-ups happen so quickly ive not yet managed to record one. to be honest im a bit scared to do anything to antagonise him. he might see me move and then ask. he knows theres something wrong but says hes on edge and cant control himself. they donty understand and everytime i tried to explain, they change the subject and definitely wont phone even if they take it in turns. they dont really understand dementia and stages as well as my husband being in fine form whenever they come. feels like a no win situation and ive just got to keep a lid on it.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,486
0
South East
You won’t know if there isn’t anything they can do unless you try ? You can’t live in a heightened state of anxiety for too long . Please call the gp or the crisis team for advice and maybe even the dementia helpline . Go in to the bathroom of you need to . It’s all about keeping you both safe and as calm as possible , there must be medication that can help and it may be the one he is on is not best suited to him . Hope you can get some help and support soon .
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
You won’t know if there isn’t anything they can do unless you try ? You can’t live in a heightened state of anxiety for too long . Please call the gp or the crisis team for advice and maybe even the dementia helpline . Go in to the bathroom of you need to . It’s all about keeping you both safe and as calm as possible , there must be medication that can help and it may be the one he is on is not best suited to him . Hope you can get some help and support soon .
thank you @Woo2 i suppose im just a bit scared of the consequences. he has anti-depressants amitriptyline which does have a bit of a sedative effect which is why she increased them but to be honest hes on a low dose to start with. my gps are a bit cautious and she said he didnt sound depressed. with vascular, choices are limited. i think because its only verbal at the moment, they are hoping that will be enough. weve already had a bit of a flare up which ive just cooled down. because hes hit out before dementia, when he flares i find myself withdrawing into the safe world that ive created in my head. im in contact with the alz. soc. lady. dementia helpline would be good. i dont want to over-react but the last couple of nights ive not slept very well. i feel its my fault and the shame to admit it is not helping me. all the conditioning i had from my parents all my life and told not to tell is making it harder.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,925
0
South coast
i dont think there is anything they could do if they took him to hospital where there is no treatment for vascular
There is no treatment for the dementia, true, but there is medication which can help calm down the aggression and temper. You should not have to put up with it.
xx
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
There is no treatment for the dementia, true, but there is medication which can help calm down the aggression and temper. You should not have to put up with it.
xx
thank you @canary i seem to have a block in my head that is stopping me admitting to anything. i was abused as a child through to adulthood and its the shame of admitting that he is flaring up even this morning which i blame myself for. i have been conditioned for years not to say anything. thats what im fighting against to try and sort the situation out. he has admitted hes taking it out on me but keeps doing it. he knows im keeping my head down so i dont spark him off again . the doctor said to leave it 2 weeks as it takes that long to get in the system and have an effect. problem is he has capacity[curse that it is] that he still has a choice and he can talk very reasonably to any one. its a tight rope to walk on
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,925
0
South coast
Please dont blame yourself it is the dementia. You have not caused it and you cannot do anything to stop it. I know how easy it is to fall back into childhood patterns of behaviour, but please dont allow this to continue. Take a deep breath and tell (or email) the doctor exactly what is happening - not your husbands edited version. The doctors cant help if they dont know.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
Please dont blame yourself it is the dementia. You have not caused it and you cannot do anything to stop it. I know how easy it is to fall back into childhood patterns of behaviour, but please dont allow this to continue. Take a deep breath and tell (or email) the doctor exactly what is happening - not your husbands edited version. The doctors cant help if they dont know.
can i ask, ive got poa for both and both registered online when i give the doctors access do i just give them the access code and they do it themselves? then it will be easier. i usually email the practice manager and she sorts it out as to who she needs to go to. the problem is our own gp who knows him is leaving and we have a new one which doesnt know him.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,925
0
South coast
an i ask, ive got poa for both and both registered online when i give the doctors access do i just give them the access code and they do it themselves?
Oh, I dont know the answer to that one. OH signed a letter some time ago allowing the GP to talk to me about his health, so Ive never had to register POA with them.
Im sure someone will know though.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
Oh, I dont know the answer to that one. OH signed a letter some time ago allowing the GP to talk to me about his health, so Ive never had to register POA with them.
Im sure someone will know though.
he did give permission in front of own gp but wonder about the others although she didnt have a problem when i talked to her the other day
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,925
0
South coast
If he gave permission to the GP it was probably recorded in his records as having given assent which would apply to other doctors too.
Id assume it was OK. If its not the GP will tell you pretty quickly. Even if the GP cannot talk to you, he/she can still listen and take note of what you say.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,486
0
South East
Yes I think that’s right , you give them the code and they then access them online . @canary has said it all really , you shouldn’t have to put up with that , dementia or not ! There should be something that they can give , 2 weeks seems like no time to the Gp but for someone in fear 2 weeks is a very long time . Please seek help ASAP , you are actually doing it for your husband too not just you .
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,973
0
Essex
I agree with @Woo2 it's worth looking at the side-effects of his medication in case he shouldn't be on some of it.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
I agree with @Woo2 it's worth looking at the side-effects of his medication in case he shouldn't be on some of it.

MaNaAk
hes had all the meds hes on for a few years now with no problem. the doctor seems to think its a progression of the dementia and will look at it again if not improving things. i have listened to every suggestion as to how to change the situation. ive thought out a bit of a plan i will email the gp detailing it all to them and give them the access code for poa at the same time then ive covered all bases. ask about the meds his already on although most are just standard stuff. that feels the safest to do. in the mean time, i will keep my head down and keep calm. if he erupts and im fearful, then will ring the emergency services. i appreciate every word of support you have given me and have thought it all through to come up with a constructive plan. its really sad that im scared and cant trust him so i wont tell him my plan. im worried when he finds out its me that talk the doctor but needs must. he feels on edge all the time and thats not helping him or me. i hope im doing the right thing. thank you for your support
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,486
0
South East
He shouldn’t find out , I would emphasize the point to the dr about your fears and maybe ask could he call your husband on the pretense as a follow up to his call to them about it in the first place . Think your plan sounds the right one for you at this moment in time .
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
He shouldn’t find out , I would emphasize the point to the dr about your fears and maybe ask could he call your husband on the pretense as a follow up to his call to them about it in the first place . Think your plan sounds the right one for you at this moment in time .
i felt calmer but he appeared calmer this afternoon but it hasnt taken long to demand and have to do things for him at this moment, immediately even though i was doing something so now im back on alert again. i just cant be off the ball. i wish i didnt need to do things. i think he was on host mode for about half an hour. sad thing is its his birthday tuesday and hes 73. not particularly old.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,012
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
i felt calmer but he appeared calmer this afternoon but it hasnt taken long to demand and have to do things for him at this moment, immediately even though i was doing something so now im back on alert again. i just cant be off the ball. i wish i didnt need to do things. i think he was on host mode for about half an hour. sad thing is its his birthday tuesday and hes 73. not particularly old.
Hi @jennifer1967 , have you ever thought of leaving him? Would it be a doable option? Your physical and mental health is at stake.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,167
0
Southampton
Hi @jennifer1967 , have you ever thought of leaving him? Would it be a doable option? Your physical and mental health is at stake.
morning @margherita, i did once for a few days but the kids were too upset. now its not what i want and not really doable as i have no where to go and i want to see if there are other ways to deal with it.i have been with him 33 yrs[all my adult life] so would like to see other options. i registered his poa online and have now named the doctors as having access to the poa so they can place it on file. i will then do an email to the doctors about what has been happening and see if there are other things they can do. i also love him very much so dont want to walk away from someone exploring all avenues i can to get him help. it feels like kicking a man when hes down. i have got the access code to give to the doctors so they can register my poa and will be emailing them about the current problems as he gives them his version of events. as i seem to be the target, i need to explain what happens and see if they can do something here.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,972
0
Kent
i also love him very much so dont want to walk away from someone exploring all avenues i can to get him help. it feels like kicking a man when hes down.

This is what we do and why we do it.

However, there is a fine line between what can be accepted and what is unacceptable. You are the only one who can make the decision to call out @jennifer1967 There is no shame because these behaviours are out of your control.
Love does not mean having to accept the unacceptable.

You are walking on eggshells.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,282
0
morning @margherita, i did once for a few days but the kids were too upset. now its not what i want and not really doable as i have no where to go and i want to see if there are other ways to deal with it.i have been with him 33 yrs[all my adult life] so would like to see other options. i registered his poa online and have now named the doctors as having access to the poa so they can place it on file. i will then do an email to the doctors about what has been happening and see if there are other things they can do. i also love him very much so dont want to walk away from someone exploring all avenues i can to get him help. it feels like kicking a man when hes down. i have got the access code to give to the doctors so they can register my poa and will be emailing them about the current problems as he gives them his version of events. as i seem to be the target, i need to explain what happens and see if they can do something here.
I don’t think the answer is to leave him, I think you should stay where you are.

If this continues then the answer is that he can benefit from residential care. Maybe my advice is premature, but on the long term how good is medication at solving problems?

That way you could still visit and maintain a very positive relationship.

No one knows better than you the pain and hurdles that would take place before that happens, particularly as he has capacity at present.

Between now and then the thing you can do to best help yourself is compile evidence, no one is going to want to pick up the care bill without lots and lots of lovely evidence!
 

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