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advice please

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,264
0
Southampton
thank you @MaNaAk weve had a better day today with music. he has been a bit short, ordering and demanding and telling me what im doing tomorrow but formula 1 has distracted him until 2 crashed. hes not half as bad as he was thank goodness. i amm sorting and clearing his clothes tomorrow which is not so heavy for me and im still clearing. i made a mistake and my jab is next wednesday so clear the days afterwards. hes going out monday so im ring-fencing them as mine. will contact admiral nurses on monday. at least i have wound down and have got some self-worth back thanks to this forum and the friends on it.
 

Scarlet Lady

Registered User
Apr 6, 2021
61
0
Oh, Jennifer 1967. I really hesitate to write this post as I realise I can’t really fully understand the situation you are caught up in. You’ve clearly been in an abusive relationship long before dementia reared it’s ugly head. Your husband has controlled every aspect of your behaviour and for whatever reason, you have let him. Now is the time to stop. Because of his dementia, you do at least have professional services involved, even if they may not be as helpful as you would wish. You absolutely do not have to put up with him deciding what you should and shouldn’t say to carers and you do not have to put up with his potential threat of violence. You say that he’s repeatedly told healthcare professionals that “he can’t control his temper“ and their response is along the lines of, “Oh, okay, then.”
That is completely unacceptable. You need to forget about this angry man you’ve been shackled to for so long. Nobody can truly help him, dementia or not, but you need to understand your main responsibility is to yourself. You need to look after your own health needs and more importantly, look to a more positive future for yourself.
I realise this will be hard to do, but I hope that with the support of your children and grandchildren, you can find a way to leave your appalling husband for a better life with some peace in it. My PWD isn’t a spouse, so I can only imagine how much harder life is for the carer, but one life should never be sacrificed for another if it can be avoided. I hope your children can step up to the plate, they need to know that their mother can’t carry on like this.
I’ve found the Admiral Nurses really helpful. They are there to support the carer, rather than the caree. They will be more concerned for your welfare than that of your husband and that's what you need right now. They can give you helpful links to organisations that may be able to help you.
Good luck, stay strong and don’t let the old b***** beat you down!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,264
0
Southampton
thank you @Scarlet Lady, im gently easing myself out. im housebound due to chronic pain as well so its not quite as easy as it might appear. my children know but also hes their dad as well. i would need rehousing and different benefits as well so im trying to be organized so i dont have to return. i have been clearing the house bit by bit as my back and leg pain allows. i will phone up admiral nurses monday. it has taken me a while to realize that it is domestic abuse as i have had abusive relationships since i was a little girl so to me they were normal. it does tend to be a pattern that continues. with the support of the friends on the forum, ive realised im worth it and deserve it which i had to learn. i care for him as he is my husband for 32yrs and theres no-one else. there is no marriage as such and we have separate rooms. hes a lot older than me and i always knew that i would end up his carer. all i need is a few hours break each week and think about the next steps. my bedroom has a lock. with my phone i will phone for help if i need to. i need to do it at my pace because of my own health problems.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,093
0
Bedford
Glad to hear you have had a better day. I am another one who found the Admiral nurses supportive. I had requested a call in the early days as I had some questions but as we were talking I was looking out of the window at Mum’s house as Mum struggled to hang a sheet on the washing line. I just cried down the phone to the nurse as I felt so sad to see my independent Mum trying and getting so frustrated. I sobbed, she talked and after a few minutes she told me to go and help Mum and how to approach it. She said she would ring me back 30 minutes later and true to her word she did. It was a little thing but at the time it was such a big thing if you see what I mean.
glad to hear you have managed to do some more clearing too.
I am sort of pleased that the jab date was your error because it means that the system did not let you down again. Take some time for you on Monday too - good book and some music maybe
Anyone that has been a caring Carer is worth their weight in gold so remember that please.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,264
0
Southampton
Glad to hear you have had a better day. I am another one who found the Admiral nurses supportive. I had requested a call in the early days as I had some questions but as we were talking I was looking out of the window at Mum’s house as Mum struggled to hang a sheet on the washing line. I just cried down the phone to the nurse as I felt so sad to see my independent Mum trying and getting so frustrated. I sobbed, she talked and after a few minutes she told me to go and help Mum and how to approach it. She said she would ring me back 30 minutes later and true to her word she did. It was a little thing but at the time it was such a big thing if you see what I mean.
glad to hear you have managed to do some more clearing too.
I am sort of pleased that the jab date was your error because it means that the system did not let you down again. Take some time for you on Monday too - good book and some music maybe
Anyone that has been a caring Carer is worth their weight in gold so remember that please.
thank you @Bikerbeth i will phone them monday when he goes out. i dont get any privacy to talk to anyone while hes in unless i want 20 questions. i tend to go in the kitchen but he can come out at any time. no my fault this time. he was talking to me tonight and i dropped a couple of tea plates just listening to him distracting and soapy hands.im sorting his clothes tomorrow. he keeps complaining he cant find anything not that he looks further than his nose. ive ring fenced monday. probably music quite loud. cant listen to quiet music. thankyou for your support. its the little things.......
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,264
0
Southampton
not too bad today. he has been arguing with himself mostly. he has been ordering a bit but nothing to bad. well i have sorted his clothes and got rid of 2 bagfuls of his clothes. i keep chuckling that he can follow them out but its not time yet. he can now find his clothes. just got his wardrobe to do. it was a lighter option of clearing but my back still hurts.
hes going out tomorrow and my son is taking him. im going to enjoy time without him and phone admiral nurses. hes still on 50mg of sertraline as she didnt change him over after all the trouble she kicked up. formula 1 tonight so im getting some peace. he was quite breathless today as the air got quite damp. hes not been able to do things when that happens.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,093
0
Bedford
That made me smile when you said he could follow the bags out.............you will know when the time is right although it will be tough to start with.
enjoy your ‘me’ time tomorrow and I hope the admiral nurses are able to offer you some positive realistic support.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,264
0
Southampton
i dont understand but ive been discharged from the admiral nurses before ive contacted them. not quite sure how that works. they reckon from assessment team from i dont know where. that was quite efficient. leaves me no where. im not being let down again by another organisation that are supposed to be supporting me.that was my last resort and it seems to have gone. ive lost faith in the system. just have to dig deep and rely on myself from now on. i have shouted long and loud for help on deaf ears.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,702
0
South coast
I dont understand that thing about being referred to the Admiral Nurses. I just phoned them up and got through - I wasnt referred at all.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,264
0
Southampton
I dont understand that thing about being referred to the Admiral Nurses. I just phoned them up and got through - I wasnt referred at all.
afternoon @canary no i didnt but i had been referred and she brought my name up on screen and said i was discharged due to an assessment last year and they couldnt get hold of me even though i havent changed numbers or mobile or address. they take the messages and give it to them. i will stick with what i got. hes been doing nuts and bolts and security clamps this morning and a bit of waterproofing to the men shed and stood up. i cant get him to do anything without gasping for breath
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,264
0
Southampton
something is going right finally. the team leader of OPMH has phoned to find out the issues i was having with the other lady. that im not allowed to tamper with his boxes or cut tablets in half. she has still used his mobile instead of mine. ive given it to them twice. she seems more knowledgeable and ive asked she reads about different dementias. that would be a good starting point. that she listens and retains knowledge. her and the consultant are coming out week after next and they will check my husband as well. he refuses to have the other lady in the house. she can sort out admiral nurses after she has come. finally getting somewhere. with the strength from all of you, im making inroads
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,132
0
Essex
Good morning @jennifer1967. I hope you're okay try your local authority and see if they have a Dementia Friends section as this is where I got my referral from.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,264
0
Southampton
Good morning @jennifer1967. I hope you're okay try your local authority and see if they have a Dementia Friends section as this is where I got my referral from.

MaNaAk
i think the lady from OPMH is doing it but ive told her to wait until she has seen us. i have been from pillar to post with all the different agencies and and my head is spinning with it all. if i can just get some sort of calm, i think it would calm me down and just get some head space. i feel a bit battered from the whole system and im not sure i can cope with any more.