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advice please

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
This is exactly what I say and you may have slept better because of the break. We do such a difficult job and I remember how it is.

MaNaAk
thank you @MaNaAk i felt like i had been arguing with myself all night but bit was more solid and better quality. hes just dozing as he has to carry the shopping through soon
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,188
0
South coast
I guess he is worn out after all the "Hosting" yesterday :rolleyes:
If OH has a day out it always takes him a couple of days to recover.
Enjoy the peace while you can
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
I guess he is worn out after all the "Hosting" yesterday :rolleyes:
If OH has a day out it always takes him a couple of days to recover.
Enjoy the peace while you can
thanks @canary, hes awake watching racing cars going round, formula 1, he woke up again coughing and breathless. he keeps saying the air is better and he can breathe better down there. there is an answer to that.
 
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jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
ive phoned the GP as they have to refer him to SALT and shes phoning back this morning. thats scuppered any plans i have of doing things. sorted one of his blood tests out.
lady from the OPMH phoned and they are coming on wednesday.ive told her about his temper, the way he erupts and flares up at me. what gets me is ive said to him about saying the wrong thing and he erupts and his temper is nasty and he admits it and agrees that he is not nice to live with. i admire his honesty but why cant he do something about it. thats the bit that hurts that he went to the gp years ago when it was bad and admitted it to him. why couldnt he have done something then. he says he needs to satisfy his need to bully me before he can stop. he admits he can erupt for the least little thing at me. i hope something helps him.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,188
0
South coast
@jennifer1967 - your husband has obviously got frontal lobe damage from the dementia and this is the bit of the brain that controls the emotions. He literally cannot control his temper, because all the filters that make people hold their tongue and/or swallow their emotions are fried. Whatever comes into his head has to be expressed because he has no way of supressing it now. Add to this that he can no longer see anybodies view apart from his own. So, he wants something, he cannot see why you cant do it, he is annoyed and has nothing to supress these feelings.

So, you see, he cant do anything about it, anymore than my mum could do anything about the way she kept forgetting things. The damage just shows up in a different way with your husband. It doesnt mean you have to put up with his aggression, though. There is medication that can help and I hope you can get help soon,
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
@jennifer1967 - your husband has obviously got frontal lobe damage from the dementia and this is the bit of the brain that controls the emotions. He literally cannot control his temper, because all the filters that make people hold their tongue and/or swallow their emotions are fried. Whatever comes into his head has to be expressed because he has no way of supressing it now. Add to this that he can no longer see anybodies view apart from his own. So, he wants something, he cannot see why you cant do it, he is annoyed and has nothing to supress these feelings.

So, you see, he cant do anything about it, anymore than my mum could do anything about the way she kept forgetting things. The damage just shows up in a different way with your husband. It doesnt mean you have to put up with his aggression, though. There is medication that can help and I hope you can get help soon,
thank you @canary the gp said about frontal lobe as well. its a pain when you have to wait for doctors to phone back
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
the gp has phoned and is referring to the SALT team although they arent seeing anyone at the moment. he has to have soft food which is fine but there is a sticking point is cornish pasties. he comes from devon and cornish pasties are mandatory. he thinks he can take off the pastry, doesw anyone have ideas? gravy?
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
the lady from OPMH[older persons mental health] is coming to see us tomorrow. ive said that he should be honest with her how you are and not sit in the corner acting the cute old man who wouldnt say boo to a goose. im going to be honest and he said he would be too and that he was nasty to live with. he has just gone out on the bus fopr an hour and still phoning me while he is out. he did it the last time he went out as well. i dont need a tracker.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
Dear @jennifer1967,

Was he okay when he got back?

MaNaAk
no @MaNaAk, he erupted and shouted but he was also very short of breath as well which added to his frustration. i had to sit him down and calm him down so he could get his breath back. when he started shouting as soon as he walked through the door, i withdrew mentally. hes on steroids which always makes him more on edge. his breathlessness makes him agitated. the damp in the air doesnt help. he scared me but being the carer kicked in.
 

Glynis1950

New member
May 12, 2021
1
0
Hi - this must be really hard for you. My husband has vascular dementia and he too can be very demanding, but his demands are sexual. I find this difficult to manage because if I refuse he becomes very sulky and depressed which leaves me feeling guilty. I am at my wits end with this and last night thought about going to another room. This morning I am feeling his anger with me. Does any one have any advice on this?
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
Hi - this must be really hard for you. My husband has vascular dementia and he too can be very demanding, but his demands are sexual. I find this difficult to manage because if I refuse he becomes very sulky and depressed which leaves me feeling guilty. I am at my wits end with this and last night thought about going to another room. This morning I am feeling his anger with me. Does any one have any advice on this?
hello @Glynis1950, my husband had a thing about grabbing/ groping every time time i had to pass him to get out of the living room door. he actually hurt to be honest and instinctly i told him no and not to do it. i sleep in a separate room to him but do have all the suggestive comments like im a piece of meat. id say, let him be sulky and depressed and dont feel guilty. just because you are married, you still have the right to say no. go to the other room and maybe this will break the pattern he is in. let him get on with his anger and just walk away to another space and do something else. dont argue as he will just dig his heels in. mine still does it sometimes but not half as much as he used to. phone the gp and see if there is anything they can do.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,331
0
Yorkshire
hello @Glynis1950
a warm welcome to DTP

yes others have found themselves in simimlar situation ...there have been discussions around the subject of sex ... some of the threads on this link may be of interest

do have a chat with your GP as a tweak of meds or a new one may help
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
the gp has phoned and is referring to the SALT team although they arent seeing anyone at the moment. he has to have soft food which is fine but there is a sticking point is cornish pasties. he comes from devon and cornish pasties are mandatory. he thinks he can take off the pastry, doesw anyone have ideas? gravy?
lady from SALT phoned about his swallowing. she told me moist things and hes on the waiting to be seen probably video call but he can do that. shes sending some fact sheets what to avoid and what to encourage. he does the cooking so he will have to either let me do it[kitchen is his empire] or do it himself properly.