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advice please

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,328
0
Southampton
my husband has vascular dementia and is constantly ordering and demanding. hes constantly nagging me to do what he wants. immediately. i need to shorten his jeans so nagged again until i do them. i make sure the house is clean for him and he always has clean clothes. always got what he needs and wants. he explodes when he gets frustrated. tonight he has shouted at me and told me he doesnt want to see me again tonight. i gave him his meds and he was still stroppy. ive left him there. even nagging me about i havent had the jab yet, ive no control over that and his shouting is not going to get it any quicker.
the kids dont see any difference in him. its usually me thats the mad one. he takes the rise out of me and laughs about it. says stupid things then laughs. he can still cook but it doesnt wash things out very well. i have tried to ignore what he says not react but he scares me when he shouts. tonight for the first time in a while, i locked the bathroom door while having a shower. didnt feel safe to leave it unlocked. the other thing he does that i dont know how to handle is that he gropes. i have to go past his chair to go out the front room door and his hands is are outstretched to grab me. we have separate rooms and we dont have a physical relationship as such. we will hug and kiss goodnight but not any further. hes always been short-tempered but this is ongoing every day. i have to jump to commands. he presents like you wouldnt think anything is wrong. it hurts and all i can do is cry which seems to make no difference. we dont have carers and wont as he has capacity to say no. the dementia has exaggerated the temper he already had. any ideas?
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,093
0
Bedford
No ideas but feel for you and sending some virtual hugs.
Do you a lock on your bedroom door in case you need some where safe?
 

DazeyDoris

Registered User
Jul 9, 2020
17
0
This sounds like extremely controlling behaviour. My husband has Alzheimer's and I thought he was bad the way he speaks to me but it's not as bad as this. There's an organisation called Solace who may be able to help. When a dementia nurse came to see us not long after he was diagnosed (which was about 4 years after symptoms started - he flatly refused to go to the GP for years) she was so concerned at his attitude she referred me to them. It was only when I looked them up I realised it was Women's Aid. They ring me up every so often and are there if I need them. They may have some strategies but if my husband got that bad I'd be thinking about leaving. Good luck.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,787
0
Yorkshire
hi @jennifer1967
if you are fearful of your safety tonight call the police ... there is also emergency contact info for Adult Services on the Local Authority website

if you're OK tonight, contact them in the morning and say that you yourself are a vulnerable adult at risk of harm due to your own ill health and your husband's behaviour, that you are frightened of him and close to carer breakdown ... that he is also a vulnerable adult who would be at risk of harm due to self neglect should you be incapacitated ... tell them you believe your situation is a safeguarding issue ... hopefully they will respond quickly ... ask for some respite (for yourself) ... make it clear that you do not believe your husband has capacity to make decisions about his welfare as he has no understanding of the consequences of saying no to support and certainly no understanding of the effects on you ... ask for a best interests meeting

let your GP know how things are as well
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,328
0
Southampton
This sounds like extremely controlling behaviour. My husband has Alzheimer's and I thought he was bad the way he speaks to me but it's not as bad as this. There's an organisation called Solace who may be able to help. When a dementia nurse came to see us not long after he was diagnosed (which was about 4 years after symptoms started - he flatly refused to go to the GP for years) she was so concerned at his attitude she referred me to them. It was only when I looked them up I realised it was Women's Aid. They ring me up every so often and are there if I need them. They may have some strategies but if my husband got that bad I'd be thinking about leaving. Good luck.
thank you @DazeyDoris hes always been a bit controlling. im housebound so a bit trapped. he willingly went to the gp and memory clinic and knows hes got it. her thinks his brain is shrinking
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,266
0
N Ireland
Hello @jennifer1967. Please follow the advice from @Shedrech. You do not have to put yourself in a position where you feel unsafe.

My wife has a significant vascular aspect to her brain damage and I do recognise some of those behaviours. So, yes, it may be the disease, but I wouldn't accept things if I felt unsafe.

Please do seek the help.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,328
0
Southampton
hi @jennifer1967
if you are fearful of your safety tonight call the police ... there is also emergency contact info for Adult Services on the Local Authority website
if you're OK tonight, contact them in the morning and say that you yourself are a vulnerable adult at risk of harm due to your own ill health and your husband's behaviour, that you are frightened of him and close to carer breakdown ... that he is also a vulnerable adult who would be at risk of harm due to self neglect should you be incapacitated ... tell the you believe your situation is a safeguarding issue ... hopefully they will respond quickly ... ask for some respite (for yourself) ... make it clearvthat you do not believe your husband has capacity to make decisions about his welfare as he has no understanding of the consequences of saying no to support and certainly no understanding of the effects on you ... ask for a best interests meeting

let your GP know how things are as well
we hit the capacity problem. as far as they are concerned he has capacity therefore they cant do anything. he can make a reasoned decision. he saw me cry and nothing. im going to speak to the GP so if we can get something to calm him down a bit. we have a new one this week which isnt ideal. i need to speak to him in the morning too. thank you
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,328
0
Southampton
Hello @jennifer1967. Please follow the advice from @Shedrech. You do not have to put yourself in a position where you feel unsafe.

My wife has a significant vascular aspect to her brain damage and I do recognise some of those behaviours. So, yes, it may be the disease, but I wouldn't accept things if I felt unsafe.

Please do seek the help.
i think is part of vascular dementia. i think i will phone the GP at least in the morning. i have a lock on my door. im tired and upset so i think i will think tonight calmly through all the options and speak to my husband as well. thank you
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,328
0
Southampton
Could he also have UTI?

MaNaAk
no i dont think so. it might be a chest infection as hes more breathless and coughing. hes really tired with the breathlessness. it was hard work for him to sit up while on the bed. im going to check on him now and see if i can get some sleep. he may need steroids again.
 

wightdancer

Registered User
Mar 15, 2017
80
0
Poor you. It sounds like the right medication is needed. As Alzheimer's progresses different meds are needed along the way. My wife was diagnosed in 2014 and is prone to anger rages but my doctor fine tunes her meds so that she can be relaxed, calm and most importantly happy. Get your doctor to sort that out for you.
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
346
0
As wightdancer has said, his GP needs to look at his medication. Do not be afraid to tell him your husband is sexually assaulting you. There is a safeguarding issue here and YOU need safeguarding from your husband.
Have you tried standing up to your him, and does it work? Show no fear, tell him strictly not to order you around and certainly not to 'grope' you.

If he will not stop harrassing you then he must be admitted to a psychiatric ward for expert adjustment of his medication to quiet him down a bit.

Do not feell you have to put up with this because he is your husband. You don't.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,328
0
Southampton
Poor you. It sounds like the right medication is needed. As Alzheimer's progresses different meds are needed along the way. My wife was diagnosed in 2014 and is prone to anger rages but my doctor fine tunes her meds so that she can be relaxed, calm and most importantly happy. Get your doctor to sort that out for you.
thank you @wightdancer he has vascular dementia and there are no tablets for that im afraid. i told him im going to phone the GP to see if one of his tablets could be raised.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,328
0
Southampton
this morning i feel shaky and horrible. didnt sleep well, still awake at 2am and now up. i ache all over and feel sick. for getting upset. just took the stuffing out of me last night. we need to sit down and talk. defending myself makes him angrier and you cant against dementia. if he was doing it without dementia, i agree i would defend myself and maybe leave but he has dementia and sometimes its the dementia that takes over. hes on amitrityline at night so see if they can up that. he doesnt have dementia tablets as he has vascular dementia and there are no tablets for that. i feel sad that weve got to this.
my oldest son is coming over to give me a break and told me off for trying to do things on my own. he has trust issues due to his first 2 wives and ive had to prove im trustworthy all my married life. these have only got worse since dementia and its like living in a goldfish bowl. thank you all for your concern and support. im not sure that i can do this without the forum, members and friends being there. he has been shielding for most of the year. hes had his first jab but i havent recieved the first one yet.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,747
0
South coast
Hi @jennifer1967
Lots of frontal lobe behaviour there that I recognise :(
Although there is no medication for vascular dementia as such, there is medication for the behaviour. In particular there is medication that can calm hypersexuality. Please do contact your GP outlining the problems and emphasising that you are afraid of him. Do also be prepared to phone 999 if he becomes very angry. You are right - defending yourself will only trigger the anger.

my oldest son is coming over to give me a break and told me off for trying to do things on my own. he has trust issues due to his first 2 wives and ive had to prove im trustworthy all my married life. these have only got worse since dementia and its like living in a goldfish bowl.
What are you afraid might happen? Would the son remove him from your "influence"? Would this be a bad thing?
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,487
0
South East
Morning @jennifer1967 , I’m sorry you are having a hard time . Lots of good advice , my fil presents this way too , Mil just goes along with him and it seems to take the fire out of the situation , I agree she shouldn’t have to but it works for them , he is on anti depressants and has been for a long time . Def worth a call to the Gp , good on your son for coming over to give you a break. Hope you can get some sleep in 🤞