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Advice please

Suzannemarie

New member
Feb 15, 2018
7
Hi
I have just joined after reading discussions over the last few weeks. This forum seems a great place to receive advice from people who understand.
Over the last two months I have noticed a rapid deterioration in my mum. She is 86, always been very astute and lives alone. At Christmas she started saying that everything on the tv was a repeat, they were giving out last nights weather and all the presenters/actors were wearing the same clothes. This has now extended to books and the newspaper. She has already seen/read every tv programme, book and paper. Tonight she said she’d put the radio on and that was the same. I can see she’s very depressed because she says she’s nothing to live for now. She is aware that this is happening and that it is not normal. Any ideas on how to overcome the tv/reading issues?
She has also become very forgetful, sometimes agitated, looks quite vacant, and is making endless notes and lists at home. At times she appears fine, she isn’t so confused that she doesn’t know people and is able to use her phone to ring me but I’m worried sick that she’s alone at home. It’s also distressing because she is aware this is happening to her. She’s not eating very much at all but I do take something most days to tempt her. I have researched the deja vu she’s experiencing and have read it is quite common in people with dementia.
I suggest every day that we see the doctor, but she won’t entertain it-at all. I know it would be the best thing to do but I cannot get her to agree. It wouldn’t work to have her invited in for a check, the doctor did that as a matter of routine and she refused to go.
What I would like to know is what do I do in a crisis? Do I try and persuade her to stay at my house? Involve a care agency? Although she’d hate that. She’s always been adamant she’d like to stay in her home and as long as she’s safe I’d like to respect her wishes. Or would her gp chat with me just to give advice? Her decline has been quite rapid, she does have heart failure and I wonder whether this is vascular dementia? Can that be rapid?
I’m sorry this is such a long post, just trying to get it all in at once! Thank you in advance.
 

Ruskin

Registered User
Feb 14, 2018
30
Hi.

Contacting your GP to make them aware of your concerns about your Mothers health is crucial, as they will be the main service provider, who will be making all the necessary referrals, when the time comes.

I had the very same problem, trying to get my son to see the doctor, as I just knew something was not quite right with him, but being naive during these early stages, I had not even considered that he also had recognised the changes within himself, and was simply terrified of finding out, what was going on.

Be creative, my GP said. Tell your boy you need his help. Tell him you are terrified seeing the doctor on your own, and you really need him to come with you.

It worked like a dream.

As for the repetitive behaviour, although perhaps a bit unsettling for the observer, if your Mum is comfortable with it, and feels in control, let it be.

Should you try to persuade her to stay at your house? No, for two very good reasons.

First of all, even amongst all the confusion, your Mum wishes to stay in her own home, which is, in my opinion, by far the best place for her to be, at this stage, if the proper care plan is put into place .

Secondly, as time goes on, you will need your own space for your own wellbeing and peace of mind, as this is the beginning of a very long, heart wrenching, physically draining, emotional journey for you, but so rewarding.

Take care, and I hope it all goes well for you and your Mum.
 

Onmyown

Registered User
May 30, 2017
385
Hi.

Contacting your GP to make them aware of your concerns about your Mothers health is crucial, as they will be the main service provider, who will be making all the necessary referrals, when the time comes.

I had the very same problem, trying to get my son to see the doctor, as I just knew something was not quite right with him, but being naive during these early stages, I had not even considered that he also had recognised the changes within himself, and was simply terrified of finding out, what was going on.

Be creative, my GP said. Tell your boy you need his help. Tell him you are terrified seeing the doctor on your own, and you really need him to come with you.

It worked like a dream.

As for the repetitive behaviour, although perhaps a bit unsettling for the observer, if your Mum is comfortable with it, and feels in control, let it be.

Should you try to persuade her to stay at your house? No, for two very good reasons.

First of all, even amongst all the confusion, your Mum wishes to stay in her own home, which is, in my opinion, by far the best place for her to be, at this stage, if the proper care plan is put into place .

Secondly, as time goes on, you will need your own space for your own wellbeing and peace of mind, as this is the beginning of a very long, heart wrenching, physically draining, emotional journey for you, but so rewarding.

Take care, and I hope it all goes well for you and your Mum.
Could a district nurse call around? Or would she react. I had a phn call and didn't tell mum she was coming when mum asked her what she was doing here? I said she's new to the area and was visiting all the old folk in the area to say hello and see if they were OK? May work? Mum was suspicious but ended up full of chat.
 

Ruskin

Registered User
Feb 14, 2018
30
As far as I know, District Nurses need a referral from either a hospital or GP. Calling in a PHN was a good move, as your Mum seems to have no issues being recognised as one of the old folk.

I cannot stress enough how important a roll your GP has, concerning future care for your Mum. They are the king pin, who have the authority over and above any other heath care provider involved with her care. They are your greatest ally.

Knowing that your Mum is not averse to chatting away to someone concerned with the old folk, and under the circumstances, you could perhaps ask your GP to take on that role, when making a home visit to your Mum.
 

Suzannemarie

New member
Feb 15, 2018
7
As far as I know, District Nurses need a referral from either a hospital or GP. Calling in a PHN was a good move, as your Mum seems to have no issues being recognised as one of the old folk.

I cannot stress enough how important a roll your GP has, concerning future care for your Mum. They are the king pin, who have the authority over and above any other heath care provider involved with her care. They are your greatest ally.

Knowing that your Mum is not averse to chatting away to someone concerned with the old folk, and under the circumstances, you could perhaps ask your GP to take on that role, when making a home visit to your Mum.
Hi.

Contacting your GP to make them aware of your concerns about your Mothers health is crucial, as they will be the main service provider, who will be making all the necessary referrals, when the time comes.

I had the very same problem, trying to get my son to see the doctor, as I just knew something was not quite right with him, but being naive during these early stages, I had not even considered that he also had recognised the changes within himself, and was simply terrified of finding out, what was going on.

Be creative, my GP said. Tell your boy you need his help. Tell him you are terrified seeing the doctor on your own, and you really need him to come with you.

It worked like a dream.

As for the repetitive behaviour, although perhaps a bit unsettling for the observer, if your Mum is comfortable with it, and feels in control, let it be.

Should you try to persuade her to stay at your house? No, for two very good reasons.

First of all, even amongst all the confusion, your Mum wishes to stay in her own home, which is, in my opinion, by far the best place for her to be, at this stage, if the proper care plan is put into place .

Secondly, as time goes on, you will need your own space for your own wellbeing and peace of mind, as this is the beginning of a very long, heart wrenching, physically draining, emotional journey for you, but so rewarding.

Take care, and I hope it all goes well for you and your Mum.
Thank you for your reply.
I know the Gp would be the best place for me to start, I wonder if they’d talk to me? A big problem is that mum is registered at a huge surgery, you can’t request a favourite Gp and there is zero continuity. They operate an online same day booking system which is a nightmare. I will have to pop in and talk to someone. Thanks for the advice about staying in her own home, I take on board what you say especially about me needing space. I just worry what she’s doing and how lonely she is. It’s hard to gauge how worried she is about the repetitive behaviour, I can tell she’s aware of it.
She’d definitely be suspicious if someone just called round ‘on the off chance’, she definitely wouldn’t consider herself as one of the old folk!
Thank you again, let’s see what today brings.
 

Suzannemarie

New member
Feb 15, 2018
7
Could a district nurse call around? Or would she react. I had a phn call and didn't tell mum she was coming when mum asked her what she was doing here? I said she's new to the area and was visiting all the old folk in the area to say hello and see if they were OK? May work? Mum was suspicious but ended up full of chat.
Hi and thanks for your reply. My mum would definitely be suspicious and I doubt would entertain them. She doesn’t regard herself as being one of the ‘old folk’at 86! She has never really been involved with the medical profession and has a very low opinion of them! I will have to be very creative and chat to someone at the surgery. A big problem is that it’s a huge place where doctors seem to come and go. It’s almost impossible to get an appointment and never with who you want, zero continuity. Wish me luck!
 

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