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Advice please re visiting father in law in respite care

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by TownMoor, Mar 30, 2015.

  1. TownMoor

    TownMoor Registered User

    Mar 30, 2015
    1
    Hi everyone, my first post:-
    my father in law is about to go into respite care for the first time - we have been advised not to visit for a few days - I am finding that upsetting as I am assuming seeing usual faces will be reassuring for him and not seeing anyone familiar will be upsetting for him.
    Please advise from your experience / knowledge, thanks very much
     
  2. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,849
    Suffolk
    Though I haven't personal experience, I think the idea is that the person will interact and find their way around the home. If you visit a lot, they think they're going to go home, so no need to bother to make new friends just for a few days. It can take a long while for some people to settle, others just drop into it with no problems.
    Be guided by the home, they know what works
     
  3. #3 DazeInOurLives, Mar 30, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2015
    I don't think that any home can generalise in that way for everyone.

    If your presence comforts him, if you can be prepared to be with him and give authentic (enough) reasons as to why he is there that will not frighten upset or enrage him, many many, many times every hour, if you can be with him to help the staff get to know him and what he likes and dislikes and stay calm and strong through it all, and if you think it will really help him then tell them that's what you want to do. I did it for my Mum and it helped us both, but it's bloody hard.

    Bear in mind though that this is respite care, presumably precious little time for you to recharge your batteries. Although if you think you will worry more than rest if you are apart then perhaps it's the right thing to be with him.

    However, if you feel confident enough in the staff and trust that they will phone you if he needs you, will allow you to speak with him on the phone and ask you if they are not sure about something, then maybe he's better off alone to settle in. I am afraid I know more than I would like sometimes and could never quite believe that would really be the case for my Mum. I know I made it better for her that I was there, even though the home disapproved.

    It wasn't the right place as it turned out. The place she is at now welcomed my presence as it calmed Mum, they were glad of my input and knowledge of Mum and were totally happy to settle her in the way that I felt was best.

    A home that generalises in such a way is something to be wary of in my view. If they are prepared to go with what you think is best for him then you could be onto a good place.

    Good luck,

    Daze
     

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