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Advice please on moving home

Di G

New member
Jul 5, 2020
5
0
My OH has Alzheimers. He has a really bad memory and doesn’t feel like my husband any more but more like my child. I have found this lockdown very hard and have been very lonely and depressed and spent much time crying. Our two children and families live an hour and a half away. They have tried to be supportive but the distance doesn’t help. After I broke down one day they pleaded with me to move up nearer to them so they can give me support. I spoke to my OH about this and his reaction was ‘ I am happy here’ After reasoning with him he said whatever made me happy he would go along with me. We put the house on the market and things have moved quickly as an offer was made by the first viewer. We viewed some properties near to the family and found the perfect home. My OH liked it also. I keep trying to discuss with him but he just forgets what has been said. He still is says happy here and doesnt want to move. We visited the property the other day and put it in the hands of solicitors. He has again forgotten all this and I haven’t mentioned it since. I am pretty sure that once we move it will not take him long to settle as he has never been a problem when we have been able to go away and settles into the surroundings so long as he is with me. I just want to make him happy but I have needs too and i need my family to help support me. Am I doing the right thing? It has been suggested only to mention it when necessary. Can anyone give me some advice how to handle this situation please. I am afraid of that he is going to be upset but if we stay here I think my health will start to suffer.
 

Blossom50

Registered User
Aug 22, 2016
28
0
My OH has Alzheimers. He has a really bad memory and doesn’t feel like my husband any more but more like my child. I have found this lockdown very hard and have been very lonely and depressed and spent much time crying. Our two children and families live an hour and a half away. They have tried to be supportive but the distance doesn’t help. After I broke down one day they pleaded with me to move up nearer to them so they can give me support. I spoke to my OH about this and his reaction was ‘ I am happy here’ After reasoning with him he said whatever made me happy he would go along with me. We put the house on the market and things have moved quickly as an offer was made by the first viewer. We viewed some properties near to the family and found the perfect home. My OH liked it also. I keep trying to discuss with him but he just forgets what has been said. He still is says happy here and doesnt want to move. We visited the property the other day and put it in the hands of solicitors. He has again forgotten all this and I haven’t mentioned it since. I am pretty sure that once we move it will not take him long to settle as he has never been a problem when we have been able to go away and settles into the surroundings so long as he is with me. I just want to make him happy but I have needs too and i need my family to help support me. Am I doing the right thing? It has been suggested only to mention it when necessary. Can anyone give me some advice how to handle this situation please. I am afraid of that he is going to be upset but if we stay here I think my health will start to suffer.
I think it sounds like you are doing the right thing. You have to look after yourself too, you won't be able to care for him if exhaustion takes over you. You mention that you believe he will settle quite quickly, you know this. You sound like you are feeling a bit guilty in making a big decision that in the past you would have made together, but sadly those days are gone. You now have to do what you can to look after yourself as well as him. Family can provide so much support so it is fine to reach out. X
 

jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
900
0
Basingstoke, Hampshire
Go ahead with the move. I did. In fact we moved twice. We were living in Wales and my daughter, living in Hampshire, suggested we moved nearer to her so she could help. As we were so far away and I didn't drive (by this time my husband had had to stop driving) we were unable to view properties. So I sold our home, organised the move to Hampshire, organised the renting of a property for a year while we could find our new forever home. It was hard doing it on my own but I am so glad I did. I just told my husband we need to move for various reasons and didn't ask him what he wanted. I let him believe it was something that just had to happen.
We've been in our present home for nearly two years. My husband sometimes has trouble remembering where the bathroom is, but that sometimes happens with pwd even when they've lived in a property for many years. What matters in your present situation is your sanity. You need help from your family, so I think you should move to be nearer to them. Your family will be happier too and will feel more able to help and won't have to worry so much about you.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,026
0
N Ireland
Hello @Di G

I'm another who has moved(just a matter of weeks ago).

My wife is 4-5 years post diagnosis and was happy in our old home, However, our old apartment wasn't suitable for our present, or anticipated future, needs so I moved us. Whilst I tried to keep my wife 'on board' with things that was never going to be possible so I did everything and just 'brought her along' for viewings etc. I felt reasoning with dementia isn't likely to work and people with dementia are unlikely to agree to change so I just went ahead and did what I felt was best for both of us.

One thing I did when I found what was to become our new house was bring my wife back to the area every day for our daily walk. I introduced ourselves to anyone we met in the area and this made both of us feel like part of the neighbourhood even before we moved in. Indeed, I knew the names of everyone for 3 or 4 doors either side of our new house before the move. My wife is as confused as ever about everything but we are both happy with the move.

My wife never mentions the old place.
 

Di G

New member
Jul 5, 2020
5
0
Thank you so much for your responses. They have made me feel better. Spent all our lives making decisions together so I find it so hard to make these decisions which I know he is not happy about I have just got to learn to keep quiet until necessary as bringing the subject every day is upsetting because we end up with the same conversation. My daughter so rightly said to me that I was trying to get back what I had and that’s not possible. Nothing will give me my old husband back so I need to take different actions now. The difference it will make to my life will be worth it. I do all the driving nowadays. This has come quite hard as my OH drove everywhere and to lose this 2 and a half hours drive each time we wish to visit the family is getting too much for me. Once again thank you.
 

jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
900
0
Basingstoke, Hampshire
Spent all our lives making decisions together so I find it so hard to make these decisions
That is the hardest part, it certainly doesn't come easy. Even now I sometimes ask my husband's opinion without thinking, it just comes natural.
Good luck with your move, and remember - you can do this.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
73,100
0
Kent
I moved nearer my son @Di G and it was the best move I have ever made.

It wasn`t without difficulties. We moved prior to my husband`s diagnosis but following a few years of difficulties.

My husband wanted to move and knew the area well. We had been visiting for ten years previously, during all the school holidays to see our grandchildren and he was in full favour of the move which at one time he would have enjoyed.

Once we were here everything changed. He was unsettled, confused and the move identified his dementia which was diagnosed three years after moving. Sadly he was denied the pleasure of the move.

Having our son nearby was more helpful than I could ever have imagined. If we had remained nearly 400 miles away the stress on both our son and myself would have more than doubled. He was able to have time with his dad which he wouldn't have had if we`d been miles away and I had the support which was so valuable to me.

My husband died seven years ago and now I`m lucky to have family close by for continued support.
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,197
0
Newcastle
I don't have experience of moving but 2 things that affected my wife seem to support your decision to move. Firstly, she stopped recognising the house we had lived in for 20 years as home and was no longer at ease here. Secondly, it became increasingly difficult to go anywhere in the car without being asked where we were going on a continuous loop of just a few seconds. Sometimes she would get angry that we were going in the wrong direction. She would read and comment on any and all motorway advisory signs. And so on. These may not be relevant in your case but I feel sure that the stress of longer drives will only increase over time. They might become impossible, leaving you isolated. Moving to where support is available for both of you seems like a good option.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
306
0
Hi @Di G I say do it while you are able to. I am currently going through the process, and haven’t involved my OH too much. Our house sold within 2 days, and I found a ground floor flat in town, so there is more of a social aspect for him. Our house is no longer suitable and my daughters live an hour away, and I need help and support. It is a big wrench as my OH has lived in the village for 50yrs, but his son and 3 grandchildren who live 3 mins away don’t see much of him. In this house he doesn’t know where various rooms are anyway, so I accept it will be hard, but I’m just head down and get on with it.