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Advice,PLEASE on first time Respite

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by janetruth, May 24, 2007.

  1. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    We are going on Holiday June 23rd and Mum is booked in for Respit for 10 days.
    We have been to see the Home in question and had a good tour round, it seems very nice.
    My Mum has been going to Day Centre one day a week ( 8 times) and has got used to it, though we did have a few issues for a while. I am now very good at telling 'Little White Fibs'.

    She lives with us and we have established a very good routine, that wotks well for us all.

    Someone from the home is coming out to see us next week.

    Are there questions I have overlooked, that I should be asking?

    Thamks, in advance.
    Take Care Bye for now
    Janetruth x
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Janetruth

    I've no advice to give you, but, I'm interested in your thread. I think the time is coming when I'm going to need respite, and I'm dreading it.

    I'll be interested to hear how you get on.

    Love,
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,722
    Kent
    Hi Jane,

    I`m impressed that someone from the home is actually visiting you next week. I haven`t heard that before. What a good start.

    Sorry I`ve no advice as I haven`t been there yet, but I hope it all goes really well for you. A relaxing family holiday will benefit you all.

    Love xx
     
  4. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello Jane
    I hope you have a wonderful holiday. I am also impressed that you'll receive a visit from the care home and I'm sure your mum will be in great hands.I never did use respite care as I never new it was available to me, but at the dementia support group, that I recently joined I find alot of carers use respite and that when they talk about seeking respite the main topic that comes up, is the nursing staff ratio to resident. Enjoy your time away. Taffy.:)
     
  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,419
    I assume they're coming out to do an assessment to ensure they can provide for your mother's needs. My mother's nursing home does that before respite admissions as well: actually it might BE the same nursing home as it's in vaguely your area! You might ask about the routine: what and when are meal times, will there be one person primarily looking after your mum, that sort of thing. Also ask if they will call you if there are problems (of course you might not want to be called or in fact be callable, and there's absolutely nothing wrong in that - this is supposed to a rest for you). Is there another family member they can contact that you trust? Ask what sort of personal items you can bring with you that might make your mother feel at home.

    Jennifer
     
  6. chip

    chip Registered User

    Jul 19, 2005
    400
    Scotland
    Tell them what her routin is and also pack some things she knows from home to make it more familar to her and also that she is going on holiday. These are things i found helps. Glad you have managed to get respite and a nice place.Respite is now hospital for us. You may find its takes a few days for you to settle as well then a few days later you start to feel the difference. Hope all goes well for you all.
     
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    You could ask them if you need to give your mother any money , so she can have her hair done , while she they .

    Do you need to tag her clothes with her name

    As I usually give 20 pounds in the office , so when the lady come around , to do they hair . mum include .

    For me personal , I would not like someone from the care home to come around when mum go to respite , as if I told my mother to many days ahead she worry to much about going & get very confused , So I tell her the night before .

    I also put a radio in mum bag , its like company for her at night time
     
  8. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Thank you ALL for your replies and advise. which I will act upon.

    I will let you know how things progress and I will be keeping my fingers crossed that all will be well.

    Take Care Bye for now
    Janetruth x
     
  9. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Hi Margarita

    Thank you for reply, yes my Mum is like that, I never tell her ALL truths, as she too, would get confused and worry.
    I phoned the home and spoke to the lady who is coming to see us and explained. She seemed to understand what I was talking about, So that is one good thing that is favourable about the home.
    I will also ask about tagging her clothes and how much money Mum should take.
    My Mum also loves her music and I will make sure she has her radio,.

    Take Care bye for now
    Janetruth x
     
  10. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Hi Janetruth!
    My Mum often lends her bedsiide clock to respite visitors to the Hostel she is in. For those who can tell the time (is your Mum still able to??) it can be very confusing to be without a clock. Mum has a large clock in her room and can still tell the time. She feels good about lending her bedside one, which pleases me, as it means she still feels useful.

    Obviously if your Mum doesn't tell the time any more, this won't be needed.

    A friend has flowers delivered to her Mum on the afternoon of the visit or on the first full day after admission. She says it makes her Mum feel she is not forgotten.

    Hope these ideas are of some use. Best of luck with the respite, and above all, YOU enjoy the break!!
     
  11. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Hi Nell

    What a really good idea, I will arrange for her to have some flowers delivered, when we have left and maybe some a couple of days before we pick her up, to let her know we are thinking of her.
    Yes, Nell she can still tell the time and has a large clock on her bedroom wall but tells me she never looks at it.
    I also got her a bedside clock, but she says she prefers to look at her wristwatch, which she puts on the bedside table every night.
    Thank you, I am looking forward to a holiday and hope I come back with my batteries on FULL charge.

    Take Care Bye for npw
    Janetruth x
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #12 Margarita, May 25, 2007
    Last edited: May 25, 2007
    Now yes that is a really good idea Nell about the flowers .
    My mum also going to respite next wednesday and with all the change going on with getting more days at day-center , she feeling very unsettle . when I tell her on tuesday that she going to respite on wednesday , her perception of how she going to perceive going to into respite , I can only imagine is going to be very confessing for her unsettle her more , so I love the ideal of sending her flower with those little note
     
  13. Louise.D

    Louise.D Registered User

    Apr 13, 2007
    68
    Essex
    Hi Jane,

    My mum went into repspite yesterday for the first time since my dad died suddenly 8 weeks ago. I've been looking after her since without a break and I have two small children.

    I'm okay now but it was horrible. My mums dementia is not that bad, she can still hold a conversation, reads papers magazines etc. But she forgets, forgets and forgets. On first meeting her you would not know she was that bad. They have placed her in a unit with a couple of patients with dementia in the last stage as well as ladies who are at the same stage. The staff ratio is 2 staff to 10 patients.

    I'm due to go on holiday Sunday and I'm not going to enjoy it as I'm going to be worrying about her constantly. I don't know what the answer is maybe next time I'll get a live in carer.

    To be honest, I don't think that there is such a thing as a holiday when you care for someone as part of a family. You may physically have a break from being a carer but emotionally there is no such thing.

    I found it really, really hard but if this enables me to spend quality time with my children (hopefully without crying all the time) then maybe the respite has acheived something.

    Sorry to be so negative, but I think that I got to a stage where I was so exhauated that I thought respite would solve or help the situation. In this case it's just made things worse.

    I went in to this seriously blinkered and was totally unprepared to how upsetting this could be.
     
  14. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #14 Margarita, May 26, 2007
    Last edited: May 26, 2007
    Louise

    If you don't mind me saying seeing that your father died only 8 weeks a go , your still grieving for him , So your emotion are double worse seeing your mother going into respite.

    Your right there as that is how I felt at the beginning & after a few other time my mother went into respite care home , but with me I just learn to live with it , , those emotion because I had to think of my own mental physically heath and those of my children .

    I could never of afforded a carer in while i went on holiday also not all my children wanted to come on holiday with me , so even if I could of afforded someone to stay in my house to look after my mother I would of had to think of my children wanting time out from they nanny , just being realistic with myself .

    (Not sure if your mother live with you or in her own home )

    Then it was just nice sharing myself with my children at home without my mother around , because as the AZ progress , she would want to be with me all the time . even if I sat talk to my children alone in they room .

    But go for it the next time if you can afford to get a carer in full time while you go on holiday .

    In the respite home my mother been into she has always had a one to one carer.
    looking after her , so you could ask SW for a respite home like that .

    I do want to say to you , that your mother safe in care home , your soon be picking her up after holiday , you may not enjoy the holiday as you would of if your father had not died & your mother in care home , but the change of scenery , will do you a world of good for a while that use to feel like a shower to my brain when I use to get away with my family to help me cope when I get back to my mother care needs .

    but we all cope different I am not living in your shoes so its easy to me to say that , but I have been they with all those emotion while grieving for my father while seeing my mother ill , so take care of yourself you have every right to feel what you are feeling and its not negative just normal feeling and do what make you feel good in your mother care next time you need time out with your children xx
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,722
    Kent
    Dear Louise,

    From reading your post, you really need this holiday.

    Even if you don`t get the benefit you would if your mother weren`t on your mind, you need time to be with your young family, time to recharge your batteries and time for yourself, to do what you choose.

    I do understand the guilt and the upset of leaving your mother in, what seems to you to be, an unsuitable environment, but at least she is safe, and will be looked after. She is unable to be left to care for herself, however she seems.

    Try not to waste this holiday. You have made the decision, try to make the most of it, even if it isn`t as carefree as you would like.

    When you get home, you know your mother will still be as you left her.

    Love xx
     
  16. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Louise
    I understand completely how you feel about respite. I've been considering it for my husband, but don't actually see how it would benefit either of us. He would be upset and anxious, and I would worry about him all the time. Yes, I might manage to get some sleep, but I can't see myself going on holiday and enjoying it.

    But your situation is different from mine. You have your family to consider, and I don't suppose you've been able to concentrate on them as much as you would like.

    You are feeling deep grief over your father, and guilt over your mother. Both very negative emotions. No wonder you are weepy.

    You have to try to put them both out of your mind for a while, and trust the professionals to care for your mum. No, you won't enjoy the first few days of your holiday, because you'll be unable to switch off. (I've been there with my parents!) But by the third or fourth day you'll begin to relax, and by the end of your holiday you'll feel so much better, I promise!

    Don't feel guilty. You're doing the best for everyone, yourself included. Have a good holiday.

    Love,
     

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