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Advice please. Mother and brother are making my life hell.

Testona

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
29
Abergavenny
My father has dementia. I live in my parents' house. I do not get on with my mother, who is very difficult, and my brother is a black cloud, who is verbally abusive to me when he does speak to me, and who is capable of physical violence.
I receive Carers Allowance for my father. My mother is constantly threatening to make sure it is taken from me. She says I do not spend 35 hours a week by his side. She does not acknowledge any contribution that I make, such as:
Taking my father - and frequently her - to medical appointments.
Doing the shopping.
Doing the washing and ironing,
Looking after my brother's dog when he leaves him here - several times a week and often overnight.
Dealing with my father's financial adviser.
Helping my father log on to his computer.
Dealing with things such as 'phone calls to BT, insurers, day to day admin.
Collecting medication for both parents.
Organising my father's medication - he can no longer count out the tablets.
Helping with housework.
Taking my father - and frequently her - anywhere he wants to go.

The umpteenth episode with my brother occurred yesterday - verbal abuse because a door had not been closed properly - and he refused to come to the house today, for which I was blamed. It is literally the three of them against me and there is no reasoning with my parents as they treat my brother like a God. If he attacked me, they would back him up.
I just feel that I have come to the end of my tether. I am hitting my head against a brick wall. I have to get out of this situation, but I am in such a state that I do not know who to contact.
Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,817
Bristol
Sorry Ela, can't really advise anything other than to leave your mother to look after your father herself. That is easier said than done when it is family, but bitter experience tells me it is the best option for yourself.

You have my complete sympathy and best wishes whatever you decide and I certainly hope you can get better advice on TP or possibly Social services.
 

Testona

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
29
Abergavenny
Sorry Ela, can't really advise anything other than to leave your mother to look after your father herself. That is easier said than done when it is family, but bitter experience tells me it is the best option for yourself.

You have my complete sympathy and best wishes whatever you decide and I certainly hope you can get better advice on TP or possibly Social services.
I am thinking the same way, but I want the reasons documented. I need to make a plan, but am a bit wobbly at the moment. I will see about contacting Social Services.
 

Louby65

Registered User
Mar 26, 2014
620
Scotland
Hi elamorg. I'm so sorry for what you have described , but please realise that this is domestic abuse , whatever way you look at it . Any form of domestic abuse should not be tolerated . I'm sure it is easier said than done , but is there a possibility you could move out and stay with someone . You would not be leaving your dad in a vulnerable position as your mum lives there too and as you haven't described otherwise , should be capable of looking after him. Your brother can give his support too. You say your brother is capable of physical violence , this can't be tolerated and any hint of it should be reported , but again I know that's easier said than done . Is there no one who can support and assist you to get help . Have you discussed the situation with social services . As you are your dads carer you are entitled to a carers assessment . This is very helpful and they can assist you with many things so please ask for one . Please elamorg , don't take this bullying , you deserve better. Remember there is always someone on this forum who have experienced similar and who will give you good advice . Take care of yourself . Best wishes , Lou .
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
I agree that it is time as you are thinking to move out. Ask SS for an assessment for your Dad and they will put carers in place if necessary and look at all sorts of other options too like a day centre and give your Mum a carers assessment. You can then have your own life and enjoy quality time with your Dad when you return to visit
 

Testona

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
29
Abergavenny
Hi elamorg. I'm so sorry for what you have described , but please realise that this is domestic abuse , whatever way you look at it . Any form of domestic abuse should not be tolerated . I'm sure it is easier said than done , but is there a possibility you could move out and stay with someone . You would not be leaving your dad in a vulnerable position as your mum lives there too and as you haven't described otherwise , should be capable of looking after him. Your brother can give his support too. You say your brother is capable of physical violence , this can't be tolerated and any hint of it should be reported , but again I know that's easier said than done . Is there no one who can support and assist you to get help . Have you discussed the situation with social services . As you are your dads carer you are entitled to a carers assessment . This is very helpful and they can assist you with many things so please ask for one . Please elamorg , don't take this bullying , you deserve better. Remember there is always someone on this forum who have experienced similar and who will give you good advice . Take care of yourself . Best wishes , Lou .
Thank you for your reply. I am feeling very isolated as it is a question of the three of them against me. My parents will not hear a word against my brother, who is a very unpleasant person. While I can't see the wood for the trees, I have got to the point where I know I have to get out for my own sake. I spoke to someone in the local care team some months ago and made her aware of the situation. I will contact her again. I am usually the kind of person who has a plan - but my brain seems to have turned to mush! I really need to find out where I can get help to get myself out of this situation.
 

Testona

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
29
Abergavenny
I agree that it is time as you are thinking to move out. Ask SS for an assessment for your Dad and they will put carers in place if necessary and look at all sorts of other options too like a day centre and give your Mum a carers assessment. You can then have your own life and enjoy quality time with your Dad when you return to visit
My father refuses to go to any kind of day care. I know that if I leave there will be no coming back, but I have to think of myself.
 

Mrsbusy

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
355
Firstly apart from Carers allowance I presume you have no other income from a job etc? Contact your local council if you wish to stay within the area you live and ask for their advice but insist it's due to domestic and emotional abuse from mother who lives in the home and brother who visits regularly. Also contact Refuge, they are the best at domestic violence cases and will help you move out ASAP to a secret house of safety. They will also support you until you have settled elsewhere.

In between time until things are in place speak to your GP and explain the situation. Tell them exactly the position and the abuse. Medication may help you to get you over this rough period until you are free and have your life back on track.

Visit the citizens advice too if you can or even email them and see if they can help you in any way. Finance advice, housing advice etc.

Try to over a period of time, instead of in a rush, put things you wish to take with you away in a box or bag, eg passport, birth cents, proof of address utility bill or bank statement, anything sentimental eg photos, jewellery, so that if you do have to leave in a hurry its already sorted.

I can give you other ways to achieve things being organised in respect of finances but need to know about who does the shopping etc or are you paid by employer. Is your birthday nearly coming up? If so ask for vouchers eg Anazon, or supermarket gift vouchers. Different circumstances call for different ways you can prepare. I know how to as I did this to leave an abusive marriage.

Try not to just walk out on the heat of the moment, this gives you time to browse adverts if you can afford to live elsewhere privately. Try and get a reference from two people for employment or renting purposes maybe too. But work out when is the best time for you to leave, maybe after a certain date in family calendar, or when it's better weather in case you become homeless, or maybe it would be better as family have a day planned out so that allows you to move out in their absence.

Hope this helps, take one day at a time, but smile inside knowing you will come out better for it. I did, it helped.
 

Testona

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
29
Abergavenny
Firstly apart from Carers allowance I presume you have no other income from a job etc? Contact your local council if you wish to stay within the area you live and ask for their advice but insist it's due to domestic and emotional abuse from mother who lives in the home and brother who visits regularly. Also contact Refuge, they are the best at domestic violence cases and will help you move out ASAP to a secret house of safety. They will also support you until you have settled elsewhere.

In between time until things are in place speak to your GP and explain the situation. Tell them exactly the position and the abuse. Medication may help you to get you over this rough period until you are free and have your life back on track.

Visit the citizens advice too if you can or even email them and see if they can help you in any way. Finance advice, housing advice etc.

Try to over a period of time, instead of in a rush, put things you wish to take with you away in a box or bag, eg passport, birth cents, proof of address utility bill or bank statement, anything sentimental eg photos, jewellery, so that if you do have to leave in a hurry its already sorted.

I can give you other ways to achieve things being organised in respect of finances but need to know about who does the shopping etc or are you paid by employer. Is your birthday nearly coming up? If so ask for vouchers eg Anazon, or supermarket gift vouchers. Different circumstances call for different ways you can prepare. I know how to as I did this to leave an abusive marriage.

Try not to just walk out on the heat of the moment, this gives you time to browse adverts if you can afford to live elsewhere privately. Try and get a reference from two people for employment or renting purposes maybe too. But work out when is the best time for you to leave, maybe after a certain date in family calendar, or when it's better weather in case you become homeless, or maybe it would be better as family have a day planned out so that allows you to move out in their absence.

Hope this helps, take one day at a time, but smile inside knowing you will come out better for it. I did, it helped.
Thank you so much. This is really helpful, and just what I needed. I do not have a job, and my birthday has just gone. I do the shopping.

I feel that I can now start making a list of things to do.
 

Mrsbusy

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
355
Basically if you do the shopping I presume you pay for the shopping and get reimbursed, do you have to show receipts? If not this is a useful tip. When you pay for the shopping ask for ten or twenty pounds cash back each time. Put this money away secretly and this will help you once you are away from it all. If you pay by card that's your mums or dads the statement only shows the total amount not cash back from the till. So they won't be any the wiser. Just remember only ten or twenty pounds or suspicion may kick in at shopping bill increase.

Another way if you wanted to would be to start a gift card with the supermarket, or a stamp saving card, like they do for Christmas that you could put the money onto instead of getting the cash.

You could also start cutting out coupons for relevant products, or look online for offers etc, when you buy the product charge parents the same and you keep the saving. Another tip which may help you but hopefully by Christmas you will be sorted is this:

If you put in 1p in a jar on the first of January, 2p on the 2nd January etc increasing it every day so that by the 31st December you are paying in £3.65 you will have saved a total of £677 pounds. Maybe an idea once you have found somewhere as your rainy day fund.

Start looking around to declutter your things, and sell them on local Facebook pages maybe but probably better to do eBay as you can post out rather than collection to arouse suspicion .

Another thing you must remember to put in your documents to take is proof of exam passes or qualifications you have achieved at any time as employers will ask for these.
Bank statements should be kept safe too as I would to find out your family get your details and use them to wipe out the account in spite etc. If this was to happen you have no comeback with the bank as details were readily available. If you gave savings passbooks or cheque books make sure you pack them too.

When you feel ready to leave maybe let us know and maybe more suggestions for you.
Sounds silly but I would pack a radio, to keep you company if you don't have a tv when you move out, with spare batteries, phone charger and tablet if you have one with charger, torch in case you need it , toothbrush, hairbrush, are all things you won't have time to grab if you leave in a hurry. Make sure your phone has all the numbers stored on it in case you have to change your SIM card if family keep phoning. Notebook and pen too, addresses of friends and their mobile numbers too as if you lose your phone you can't get them back again.

Keep in touch.
 

Testona

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
29
Abergavenny
Basically if you do the shopping I presume you pay for the shopping and get reimbursed, do you have to show receipts? If not this is a useful tip. When you pay for the shopping ask for ten or twenty pounds cash back each time. Put this money away secretly and this will help you once you are away from it all. If you pay by card that's your mums or dads the statement only shows the total amount not cash back from the till. So they won't be any the wiser. Just remember only ten or twenty pounds or suspicion may kick in at shopping bill increase.

Another way if you wanted to would be to start a gift card with the supermarket, or a stamp saving card, like they do for Christmas that you could put the money onto instead of getting the cash.

You could also start cutting out coupons for relevant products, or look online for offers etc, when you buy the product charge parents the same and you keep the saving. Another tip which may help you but hopefully by Christmas you will be sorted is this:

If you put in 1p in a jar on the first of January, 2p on the 2nd January etc increasing it every day so that by the 31st December you are paying in £3.65 you will have saved a total of £677 pounds. Maybe an idea once you have found somewhere as your rainy day fund.

Start looking around to declutter your things, and sell them on local Facebook pages maybe but probably better to do eBay as you can post out rather than collection to arouse suspicion .

Another thing you must remember to put in your documents to take is proof of exam passes or qualifications you have achieved at any time as employers will ask for these.
Bank statements should be kept safe too as I would to find out your family get your details and use them to wipe out the account in spite etc. If this was to happen you have no comeback with the bank as details were readily available. If you gave savings passbooks or cheque books make sure you pack them too.

When you feel ready to leave maybe let us know and maybe more suggestions for you.
Sounds silly but I would pack a radio, to keep you company if you don't have a tv when you move out, with spare batteries, phone charger and tablet if you have one with charger, torch in case you need it , toothbrush, hairbrush, are all things you won't have time to grab if you leave in a hurry. Make sure your phone has all the numbers stored on it in case you have to change your SIM card if family keep phoning. Notebook and pen too, addresses of friends and their mobile numbers too as if you lose your phone you can't get them back again.

Keep in touch.
Thank you so much. I now feel that I have some kind of structure to work to. I am still feeling sick but I am further forward than I was yesterday.
 

Mrsbusy

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
355
Take one day at a time, it took me twenty years to get free, but I planned it out for 18 months, didn't go to plan and left in hurry but having things sorted beforehand was so helpful. You won't take as long as I did as I had four children to sort out too.

Remember this Fear can hold you prisoner, hope you can set you free. Once you are free you will be stronger empowered and proud of what you have done .
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
I would be extremely careful about taking their money from the shopping - it is stealing to take someone else's money and if they felt so inclined they could take you to Court which would only add to your problems. It is completely different if you are squirrelling away money from a partnership joint account which is being contributed to in equal parts as Mrs Busy suggests. I would suggest that you don't do it. You are effectively being 'employed' by your carer's allowance and you don't say if you are paying rent to live in the house and it's none of my business, but if you are not then that is a 'perk'. You can do whatever you want to with your own money but not with anyone elses'.

Its a great idea to sell your own things and all the other things that have been suggested - as long as it is your own it's fine but starting to take money from others is really not a good idea, in my opinion.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
My father refuses to go to any kind of day care. I know that if I leave there will be no coming back, but I have to think of myself.
It might be a good idea to get someone outside the family involved eg social services to help your parents through this and thus giving you the freedom to move on. It seems as though you may all be in a closed circle and opening it up to outside help would help you all.
 

Delphie

Registered User
Dec 14, 2011
1,269
What a difficult situation!

Given everything you've said, I think your best bet for a happy life is independence from your family.

This is all easier said than done, but in your shoes I would step out of the carer role. Your mum is already highly critical of you and thinks you don't do enough so yes, she'll probably carry on criticising. You're living with that already.

Give up CA and get your own out of work benefits while you look for a job. Once you have your own cash you'll have more options.

I'm guessing that there will be a whole host of emotional issues for you to deal with, so talk to your GP about counselling. Get yourself stronger mentally, more confident, more able to stand up to the bullying.

All this will be very, very difficult and will take time, but I don't think your family are likely to be making any changes to improve your lot, so you're going to have to take responsibility for yourself and your life.

You don't have to be your father's carer, or your mum's and brother's emotional punch bag.

Oh, and if he gets violent, call the police and press charges, no matter what your mum says or whose side she takes.

Make plans, take small steps, and believe that you deserve better than you're getting right now.
 

Lavender45

Registered User
Jun 7, 2015
1,609
Liverpool
I agree with everyone who has said get out, it seems completely the right thing to do especially as your mum sounds able to care for your dad if you weren't there.

My suggestion might be a very stupid one, forgive me if it it, but here it is. Have you thought about employment? What about thinking about live in carer jobs? You have a wealth of experience in this field. As a live in carer you would have a roof over your head and some money and control over your future. Caring might not be your long term choice of career, but if you could get a live in role it would give you a breathing space and a chance to build up some savings to give you some financial security. As to references would your dad's GP give a reference, he/she must have an idea of your caring role, that could take care of one reference, maybe a trusted friend for a second?

I may have just given you the daftest idea on the planet, please ignore me if I have, but whatever you decide is best please get out of your current situation asap. No one deserves the treatment you are receiving.

Oh and maybe talk to shelter in case you need to leave at short notice, knowing your options helps.

Just a few extra thoughts though. Whatever your plans delete your browsing history so there's no trail, maybe set up a brand new email address for a job hunt so no one knows and maybe try to avoid using the post as letters can be picked up and might arouse suspicions, not what you need whilst you make plans.

I wish you all the luck on the world with sorting this out. You deserve better.

Lavender x
 

peachstone

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
56
West Oxfordshire
What a horrible situation, ElaMorg. I agree with the others that you need to get yourself out of this toxic set-up.

I don't have much to offer that others haven't already said, but this - if you're planning to get out and don't want family picking up on your mail, you could get correspondence delivered to a post office and pick it up yourself. There are instructions here:
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/c...g-mail/how-to-get-your-post-sent-to-a-po-box/
 

Testona

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
29
Abergavenny
I really appreciate all the advice that has been given. My feeling at the weekend was that I just wanted to run. I knew that this was not the way, but I was too much of a mess to come up with a viable plan.

I've made an appointment with my GP and have found the Refuge website. I have emailed the lady in charge at the local Carers Dept - I have met her before - and am getting my documents together. I am going to the Alzheimer's Support Grouo tonight, and will go early so that I can make the support worker aware of the further deterioration in the situation.

I feel that I am beginning to put a plan together. Thank you all so much.
 

Louby65

Registered User
Mar 26, 2014
620
Scotland
Hello elamorg , how are you ? I hope you got some good advice from the support group and are making some positive steps to improve your situation . Best wishes , Lou