Advice or tips needed

[Rickers89]

Hi there

New to TP, my nan was diagnosed with dementia a year ago and it's been up and down. I live an hours drive away but visit her at least once a week, if not twice. I look after her remotely as best I can whilst working full time, I have power of attorney, I have carers going in regularly, someone from the Alzheimer's Society takes her out once a week, a link scheme volunteer pops in about 3 times a week and my mum visits every other week so she's not short of visitors. I manage her finances and take her to the majority of her medical appointments. Just recently, she's not been very nice to me. I'm not sure if it's the dementia (as the doctors say it's mild) but I think she's taken me for granted. I don't really feel like her granddaughter anymore, just someone who does stuff for her. I really want to talk to her about how she's making me feel but if she is not aware she's doing it, that will upset her but then do I just carry on feeling miserable? My mum and I don't get on that well so my Nan and I are a lot closer...or were.

Any advice or tips would be great.

 

[LynneMcV]

Hi @Rickers89 and welcome to TP.

I am sorry to hear about the situation you are facing with your much loved nan.

I don't have an answer for you as such. I just wanted you to know that I and the majority of members identify strongly with what you have described and know how heartbreaking it is when our loved ones start to turn on us.

You obviously do a lot for your nan to help her manage her affairs and love her very much.

I have found over the years that the categories of mild, moderate and severe dementia can overlap considerably. Certainly when my husband was in the mild stages he displayed behaviour linked to later stages too, so it's not necessarily a case of your nan 'using you' like you fear.

It is horrible to feel taken for granted. Sometimes I feel like a home-help rather than a wife. However, there have also been many times when my 'real' husband has come back into the picture and says how much he appreciates me. Times like that make up for the sadder times.

It's also worth knowing that the ones who do the most are the ones who generally take the greatest flack from their loved one with dementia. Not easy to deal with I know - but it is something which comes up time and time again on the boards.

I know you feel that you want to tackle nan about what is happening, but can't for obvious reasons. I also know that you need someone to talk about your concerns and frustrations too but don't seem to have that option in your day to day life.

That is the beauty of TP - a place we can vent among people who understand what we are going through.

I am sure others will be along soon to offer their own tips, advice and experiences and you will know that you are truly not alone

 

[Onmyown]

Yes unfortunately the person who cares gets the flack.. My mum has been very abusive to me and I'm the one who gave up my life to look after her? It's very difficult to hear her put me down and yes take advantage and as above her gp says mild dementia? I used to get hurt, upset and miserable like you but it really is not her it's the illness. Personally I don't know but I think when you depend so much on someone you become angry and upset that you can't do all the things you used to do and need help with alot of things and the carer just happens to be there and they take it out on them but not purposely. I let it go now as I know she doesn't mean it. If she gets abusive I walk away. The hardest thing I had to learn is you cannot reason with dementia took me years to come to that but it helps knowing we are all going through this. My mum has also become selfish and that was not the way she was. It's all about her. Told her tonight I felt a bit weak (forgot to eat today) her reply "well I feel weak all the time" she was a very caring loving mother and that part of her is gone now sadly. My advice is to come on here and learn as much as can about the illness I'm still waiting years to sit down with a professional to ask the thousands of questions I have but I am so glad for these support groups as I think without this and good friends I'd have walked away years ago. I'm just this week seeing a counsellor and it helps just to talk about it I have very serious sibling issues which cause most of my stress and she totally understands my stress. I hope you will stay on here and get good advice and support. We all know what you are going through.