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    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

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Advice on trying to get parents to accept lpa's

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by floyd96, Jul 21, 2019.

  1. floyd96

    floyd96 New member

    Jul 21, 2019
    Hi, im a new member to this community and looking for advice.
    My father has been diagnosed with dementia and my mothers gp believes that she has dementia, though this has not be officially diagnosed just yet.
    The family has had discussions with their gp, social workers and mental health team and they both refuse to have lasting power of attorneys for their health care and finances.
    We know that there is the option of the court of protection but are unsure as to whether to try this route without upsetting them both.
    Eveyone has been accused of interfering in their lives and telling them how they should live.
    My father has been told to stop driving by his gp and the family, he will not accept their advice, the car has been disabled and i feel that i am the one who has to inform the DVLA of his condition.
    If there is a need to fill out any documents regarding him surrendering his licence he is not capable of doing so, the same goes for direct debits with his bank that need cancelling.
    Can any body give me any sort of advice on how to overcome these issues.

    Many thanks in advance.
  2. RosettaT

    RosettaT Registered User

    Sep 9, 2018
    Mid Lincs
    When my OH was diagnosed the consultant told us we had to inform the DVLA as to his condition as they were duly bound to. There was no mention as to if he was deemed capable or not, it was simply to let them (DVLA) know. I'm not sure if that was down to an Alzheimer's diganosis rather than a dementia one. His license was duly withdrawn within 14 days although he did get it back later. I downloaded a medical form off their website, though the consultant said a letter would surfice as DVLA would pick it up from there on.
    As too the bank would your dad give you 3rd party access if he's against an LPA? I had that for my mum before I got the LPA, tho' I could only run her current account not access any savings.
    LPAs would be the way to go if you can persuade them.
  3. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @floyd96

    You won’t be able to get deputyship from the court of protection until your parents have lost capacity. LPAs have to be done while they still understand that they are giving you permission to help with or take over for them.

    LPA is the easier and cheaper route and if you do a search using the box at the top you should find some of the ways others have persuaded their reluctant PWDs to sign.

    I was lucky that my dad was keen to get his in place before it was too late but I have seen suggestions on here such as setting up LPAs for each other as “that’s what everyone does - just in case of illness or accident”. Sell it so that it’s to protect them from “being taken over” by the authorities.

    Other people have been persuaded by the fact that should they need a LPA and not have one then having to apply to the courts is much more expensive.

    I hope this helps.
  4. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    #4 Rosettastone57, Jul 21, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2019
    Sadly this situation is very common. I've no experience with DVLA, but I can tell you how my husband and I managed to get POA for my mother-in-law . I'm not saying it will happen with your parents in this way, but we had to think outside the box, so to speak.

    She lived on her own and had a pre existing mental health condition for many years which developed into dementia. She had always been demanding and paranoid. We also knew she wouldn't trust professionals . She had a neighbour who was friendly with her and I intended to use her as the certificate provider . I approached the neighbour and explained that we needed to go down this route. She agreed to visit mother-in-law over several weeks and bring up the subject of obtaining power of attorney with herself and her own children and introduced it to mother-in-law as the normal thing that you do when you get older. The subject was dropped into the conversation in a casual way . At the same time my husband and I obtained power of attorney for ourselves anyway and we reinforced this message when we did our own visits away from the neighbour.

    I would say that the whole process of almost "grooming" mother-in-law took place over several weeks . We found that if we had asked her directly if she wanted power of attorney the default answer would always have been no . My husband also emphasized the point that she did not want social services involved then we would need to make sure that we had charge over her finances. As she was distrustful anyway of any professional whether it be the doctor or a social worker ,then this played into our hands and as it happened we never had social services involvement at any time in her care. Only at the time we didn't know it was going to happen like that.

    Eventually it came to the point where my husband and I and the neighbour had a visit with her . We already had the forms ready for her to sign and eventually mother-in-law agreed to sign the papers. We had worked on the theory that my mother-in-law did not want to be seen as different from anyone else . As far as she was concerned, because family members and the neighbour had signed up to power of attorney, therefore it was a normal thing to do.

    Not an easy situation I wish you luck
  5. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    I got my mum to agree to LPA by telling her that social services would take over if I could not, she quickly decided that I was the best option.
  6. floyd96

    floyd96 New member

    Jul 21, 2019
    Thank you to Rosetta T, Bunpoots, Rosettastone57 and reedysue for all your comments, they are much appreciated.
    I can see that it is going to need alot of gentle persuasion from the whole family to resolve this difficult situation, and all of your helpful comments im sure will help us get somewhere with this difficult issue.
  7. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    Like reedysue, we told mum that if we didn't have LPA then social services could or would overrule us on any decisions we made regarding her health and finances.
  8. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    Surely they are too late for LPA s because the doctor is now aware there’s a mental capacity issue? I’m in the same position
  9. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019

    Hi your story is almost identical to mine if you read my posts.

    I was lucky with my mothers car it was at the end of its lease so I called and had them collect it. My doctor also agreed to write a letter for the DWP to say she was t safe to drive even without the diagnosis. I’m still waiting for confirmed diagnosis but will need to go to the court of protection for control of finances.
  10. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    Not necessarily - they only have to understand at the time of signing what it is they are agreeing to. It doesn't matter if they can't remember 5 minutes later.
  11. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hi @floyd96
    I wonder whether some reverse psychology might work, given your parents reactions
    might you say you are concerned that something unexpected could happen to you or anyone at any time and you worry that no-one could access your finances if you were in hospital, say, and what a mess that would be, who could buy groceries and pay your bills so you'd end up in debt ( decide how thick you want to lay it on) ... in fact Martin Lewis, the money saving man from TV recommends that every adult should have them ( he does, look on his website) .... so you are going to set up LPAs and would he/they act as Attorney
    you could use the online site to even prepare documents and have them signed ( then sit on them, or destroy them) ... and prepare documents for your parents in the hope that they might get the hint?
  12. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    I convinced The Banjoman to agree to them
    a) By getting my own done
    b) By explaining that it would cost a lot more and be a lot of hassle to get everything authorised through The Court of Protection if they were needed due to hospitalised illness, stroke etc or an accident. The Dementia word was never mentioned.

    As for capacity, knowing that things were deteriorating, the Solicitor was prepared to go to the hospital to get them signed when The Banjoman was suddenly hospitalised with cellulitis.

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