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Advice on how to cope with caring for two people with dementia

clerk1

New member
Apr 5, 2021
3
0
I’m a 25 year old, full time worker, and carer of two people with dementia. My 60 year old father with FTD and my 86 year old grandmother with unspecified dementia.
I’m struggling to mentally cope with the stress and upset of my dad’s rapid decline. The TV is talking to him, and he states there are 3 men who keep harassing him - one asking for donations, one demanding £10,000 and one threatening to beat him up. He’s fixated on the idea of the doctor wanting to probe his brain, and he’s panicking all the time. His personal hygiene is going out of the window, he’s aggressive and he’s taken to punching the door or window when he frustrates himself. His speech is getting so bad I can barely understand him and I feel guilty when I lie to him about little things. Earlier I had to pretend to call his consultant to confirm he isn’t having his brain probed (I knew he wasn’t as the doctor calls me to discuss his medical situation). I can’t help but feel guilty, and upset at the situation I’m finding myself in. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can try to cope with my feelings? I’ve tried counselling and yoga, and they have helped to a degree but I’m still finding it hard....
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,617
0
I’m a 25 year old, full time worker, and carer of two people with dementia. My 60 year old father with FTD and my 86 year old grandmother with unspecified dementia.
I’m struggling to mentally cope with the stress and upset of my dad’s rapid decline. The TV is talking to him, and he states there are 3 men who keep harassing him - one asking for donations, one demanding £10,000 and one threatening to beat him up. He’s fixated on the idea of the doctor wanting to probe his brain, and he’s panicking all the time. His personal hygiene is going out of the window, he’s aggressive and he’s taken to punching the door or window when he frustrates himself. His speech is getting so bad I can barely understand him and I feel guilty when I lie to him about little things. Earlier I had to pretend to call his consultant to confirm he isn’t having his brain probed (I knew he wasn’t as the doctor calls me to discuss his medical situation). I can’t help but feel guilty, and upset at the situation I’m finding myself in. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can try to cope with my feelings? I’ve tried counselling and yoga, and they have helped to a degree but I’m still finding it hard....
Welcome Chloe and you will find loads of support here. You sound such a caring, responsible girl but this is too much for you to handle on your own. Are social services involved? Who is helping? Warmest Kindred
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
64,230
0
69
Dundee
Welcome to the forum @Chloewhitehead.

I’m so sorry to read about your situation. As Kindred has asked I wondered if you have any support for your dad and or your grandmother. If not this factsheet might be helpful -


It sounds as if you are in danger of carer burnout. If you haven’t done so already you should consider discussing your own needs with your GP.

It might help to talk your situation through with someone on the Dementia Connect Support Line. They’re closed today as it‘s Easter Monday but they’re open tomorrow from 9am to 8pm.


Admiral nurses could also provide you with some useful support -


I’m so glad you have found this forum. There’s always someone here to listen and support. Keep posting.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,331
0
Nottinghamshire
Welcome from me too @Chloewhitehead

I’m not sure I could cope with what you have on your plate! It’s definitely time to get a care and carers assessment done by social services to see what kind of support they can offer to you and your family.

Firstly I’d like to say you seem to have good instincts when if comes to dealing with FTD and your fake phone call was the perfect response so don’t feel guilty about lying to your dad. I used to do the same with my dad and it always calmed him down if he thought I was dealing with the situation as he saw it. I did a lot of play acting!

I used to go out for a bike ride to keep my emotions in check but I found the best thing was to get a day off and let someone else take over so I could relax completely. Is there anyway you could do this?
 

clerk1

New member
Apr 5, 2021
3
0
Thanks for this Kindred. Social services are involved, at the moment, we don’t want strangers coming in due to the pandemic. My mum and I do most of the caring for both of them ourselves, and my grandpa has cancer on top. Social services have been wonderful, but we’re just not comfortable with allowing strangers in at the moment
Welcome Chloe and you will find loads of support here. You sound such a caring, responsible girl but this is too much for you to handle on your own. Are social services involved? Who is helping? Warmest Kindred
 

clerk1

New member
Apr 5, 2021
3
0
Welcome from me too @Chloewhitehead

I’m not sure I could cope with what you have on your plate! It’s definitely time to get a care and carers assessment done by social services to see what kind of support they can offer to you and your family.

Firstly I’d like to say you seem to have good instincts when if comes to dealing with FTD and your fake phone call was the perfect response so don’t feel guilty about lying to your dad. I used to do the same with my dad and it always calmed him down if he thought I was dealing with the situation as he saw it. I did a lot of play acting!

I used to go out for a bike ride to keep my emotions in check but I found the best thing was to get a day off and let someone else take over so I could relax completely. Is there anyway you could do this?
Thank you so much. I’ve got a walk planned with a friend to help clear my head. Social services are involved - and I’m so glad someone else has done the phone call routine. I don’t feel so guilty now