1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    #1 poster, Sep 27, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2015
    Hi

    Not been here in a while but need some help. I had a fracture and that is 90 per cent better now. It was in the leg. It has now been 8 weeks and when I was still getting pain in the leg my 92 year old mother raised some concerns and asked me to see my doctor and ask for another xray. I had also suddenly been experiencing pain in the other leg not when walking but when I have been sitting down and get up I find it painful. I saw the doctor and she suggested an xray. My mother assumes that I told the doctor to get an xray done and I told my mother I did not ask her because she said she would get it done. It was the decision of the doctor not me. My mother was getting confused and assumed I had told the doctor that my mother asked if it could be xrayed again and I said no such thing but my mother would not believe me. All I said in reference to my mother was that she was concerned. From then on, my mother did not come into the conversation at all.

    I am still off work because if I am still in pain and limping then obviously the doctor has to investigate and whilst the investigations are taking place I have to stay home. My mother said to me I bet when you go back to the doctor to discuss you xray she will say go back to work. I said we do not know that and knowing the doctor I doubt that she will say that if I tell her I am still getting pain in the right leg which was not the injured leg to begin with. I wondered if it is sciatica but it is not painful enough for that (not that I know anything much about sciatica). My mother is putting words into my mouth and trying to make it look as if I have said things to the doctor I have not said and she is also trying to say to me that when I go back I am not to dictate to the doctor how to treat my problem. I said I would not dream of it but my mother insisted that I was going to march into the doctors office and say this is what I think you should do etc. I would not do that.

    My mother said to me it is very odd that I had no problem with the right leg to start with and then I fracture my left leg and 8 weeks later, the left leg heals and the right leg plays up and is painful. I have had to disconnect my telephone because when my mother is in this frame of mind or mood, she will keep phoning me and talking about it and I will not get any peace. When she thought I needed an xray she phoned me four times to remind me to ask the doctor for the xray. I am not a child. I do not need to be reminded over and over again like this. On the day before my appointment my mother rang me and said when you go to the doctor what are you going to say to her. I am not a ten year old child, I am a grown adult and able to go to my doctor and say the right thing but my mother has no confidence in me and thinks I will stuff up. It was the same when my mother had her own home and I went to visit her and offered to cook dinner and she said no because I would ruin her kitchen and yet I have my own home with my own kitchen and cook all sorts of dishes and have not ruined my own kitchen. My mother wants me to financially support her which I do, she also wants me to spend a lot of money to go and visit her more often and then she talks to me and treats me not like an adult but like a little girl. I do not need a mummy to tell me what to do about my own life and in fact she does not really know much about my life because she will only interfere and I could not stand that.

    People keep telling me not to tell my mother thing and that way we can have a peaceful relationship so for instance if my right leg plays up, just pretend that it is ok and get it sorted without saying anything but then I cannot do that because if I say oh the fracture is healed then she will say ok its healed now so you can come and visit me. Then I will have to say no because I am getting problems with the other leg, so in some cases I cannot avoid telling my mother things and the result is arguments and confusions from her end due to her dementia. I have to now think very carefully what I say because when I said to her the doctor has signed me off work again and to anyone else that means she said I cannot go back to work, to my mother that doesn't mean that and when I told her assuming she would understand she said I am confused what do you mean.
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,600
    Female
    Scotland
    Do you know a lot of people would love a mother who is so concerned for them. Yes, she is a bit annoying but she is thinking about you. You need to cool down and maybe try to have other outlets so she doesn't get to you.
     
  3. piph

    piph Registered User

    Feb 4, 2013
    1,530
    Northamptonshire
    I'm assuming that it is your Mum with dementia, and I'm not quite sure exactly what you need help with.

    As a Mum myself, it's very difficult to 'let go' of your children, and trust them to do and say the right thing. I don't have dementia and I still find it hard not to give my children, both married with homes of their own, and children of their own, unsolicited advice. :eek:
    Imagine how hard it is for your mum, with dementia, to remember that you aren't a child any more. Also, she can't understand logic any more, so it's no good trying to explain anything logically to her. Just go along with what she says whenever you can and try not to argue. After all, what difference does it make, she's not going to be there when you go back to the GP, is she?

    Incessant phone calls are a symptom of the disease unfortunately. You need to decide how many you can cope with. Leave the ansaphone on and screen your calls. Then you can call her back when you feel able.

    Sorry if this isn't much help. I know to my cost how difficult it is to understand how a dementia sufferer thinks. My mum asks questions, seeming to want logical answers, and when I give them she just doesn't get it. Take a look at my signature panel and you'll see!

    As to the pain in your other leg - I'm no doctor, but it could be that you've been walking differently while your leg was in plaster, and possibly putting more strain on the 'good leg'. When you are walking normally again it may well go away.

    Good luck with it all. x
     
  4. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    I tell my mum only the thingd in my life that i want to talk about and what i think she can cope with. I normally only talk about her life and how she is. This makes lufe easy and makes us both happy.
     
  5. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    I think from now on you shouldn't 'assume' that your Mum will understand. You may have to be selective with what you tell her; use simple sentences and don't give too much information all at once.

    I know it's very difficult but your Mum may have gone back in time a bit when you DID need her guidance. Try to change the subject if you can-very difficult I know but practice makes it easier! As others have said field off her calls if they are too frequent.

    I hope your leg gets better soon

    Take care

    Lyn T
     
  6. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    346
    Essex
    First of all, it's highly likely that, following your original injury, you subconsciously adjusted the way you were walking to compensate and that has thrown your usual gait out and now your other leg is suffering for it. It's possible that you would benefit from some physio once they have got to the bottom of things.

    It sounds as if you are having a great deal of difficulty coping with your mother's condition and maybe don't have as much understanding of her world and what the dementia is doing to her. This is certainly not your fault, unfortunately they don't give you a handbook when a loved one is diagnosed with dementia and it affects everyone differently anyway. Also the pain and discomfort you are currently dealing with, which I am sure is pretty much non-stop, is going to make you less tolerant and shorter of fuse anyway.

    I would see it as a positive that your mother is expressing concern for you, and that she actually remembers that you are having this problem. My lovely Mum is always asking about our new rescue cat, how he is improving in confidence, how my blood pressure is, how my brother's fingernail is (he shut it in a door SIX WEEKS ago!) and I very much feel that her focussing on our welfare is helping her to keep an awareness which, were she without us and my Dad, she possibly would lose.

    Yes it will probably drive you a bit nuts but think how you would feel if she didn't ask at all, or didn't care how it was affecting you only how it was affecting her, or didn't even know who you were. That day will almost certainly come and then you will wish you could go back to your mother phoning you up and making you feel like her little girl again. She cares for you.

    Ask your local Dementia Service if they have a Carers' Awareness course which you might be able to attend when you're more mobile or, if work would make that impossible, if there is some kind of Helpline you could ring and talk through your frustrations. There may well be some help out there which will give you better coping mechanisms. I am certainly going to take advantage of help out there when I need it!


    As an aside, is your mother getting all the benefits to which she's entitled? I am not quite sure why you need to support her financially unless she lives in a massive house or has an expensive home shopping habit! Age UK can advise on stuff like this, I know I am always banging on about how great they are and not all branches are as fab as mine but they can certainly help make sure she's got everything in place that she should do.
     
  7. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    Thank you all. What I object to is the fact that I am told that I am deliberately lying about being unwell to get further time off work. I would not do that. I want to go back to work.

    I genuinely have pain in my right leg and when I sat on a longish train journey and I got up to get off, I could hardly walk.

    As for financially supporting my mother. If I tried to suggest I stop financially supporting her she will disown me and I know she will because she told me so. My mother lives in a care home.
     
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,397
    Female
    South coast
    Your mum doesnt really understand what is going on, poster. Of course you are not making it up and Im sure your old mum would have known that, but she having trouble working things out now.

    My mum is in a CH and I never discuss finances with her, I just manage them for her and she has no idea what is going on.
     
  9. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    I do not manage my mums finances. She manages her own. I did have power of attorney and was able to extract money from her account but one day I went to the bank to extract money from her account after buying something for her and taking the payment for it from her account, to be told "sorry you do not have authority to take money from this account". When I produced the letter that my mums bank wrote and she signed to give me authority to do so, I was told sorry your mum asked us to cancel this agreement. Naturally I was embarrassed and confused and asked my mum about it only to be told by her that she decided to stop the arrangement. To this day she has never told me why and I no longer care, but it would have been nice to let me know to save me a humiliating trip to the bank.
     
  10. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    #10 poster, Sep 27, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2015
    Can I ask what you would say if you were told you were manipulating your doctor? That more or less what I was accused of doing and I tried to defend myself and in the end I just agreed with whatever my mother said to stop her laying into me further.
     
  11. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    346
    Essex
    Could be worse, plenty of members here have been accused to murdering their children! :eek:
     
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,397
    Female
    South coast
    Oh hun, I can hear the hurt and anger in you, but, honestly, your mum does not understand things now even if she sounds like she is. You are treating her as if she were well and has no cognitive impairment. You have already discovered that defending yourself makes it worse and agreeing with her calms her down, so just agree with her - you will have to do that eventually anyway! I have agreed to all sorts since Mum got dementia.

    Have you seen this? If not, you may find it helpful

    http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
     
  13. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    #13 poster, Sep 28, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2015
    Thanks for the link. My mums dementia is not that bad. She knows who I am. She knows when I have been to visit her. She can feed herself and dress herself. She does have some memory loss and thinks I have not met the care home staff and each time I go, she introduces them to me as if its my first visit. She is 92 and was diagnosed four years ago. Others who have been diagnosed four years ago have deteriorated much more than her. I will try not to tell her things in future and a lot of things I do I never mention because she does not like it or tells me I am wrong to do such and such but she is my mum and I want her to know that I am leading a good happy fulfilled life which I am. I play a couple of instruments (piano and flute) I took up the piano first and my mum was happy. She is unhappy about the flute and I have never understood why so now I never mention it to her. She actually tried to dissuade me from doing the flute.

    I have to say though that my mum has a naturally uptight personality and over the years we have had a somewhat rocky relationship. Her four siblings actually disowned her as they could not take her personality and her only one remaining sister told me a few years ago she was moving and would not give either my mum or me her forwarding address because of my mums odd personality and she had basically had enough of her and wanted no more contact. Every now and again my mum mentions her sister and asks me to find her, but I would never be able to and besides her sister said she wanted no more contact so I have to respect that. Who knows, her sister may even have passed away by now. If her sister ever did want contact, she has my telephone number and can easily phone me.
     
  14. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    The point is with Compassionate Communication it gets easier to tell little 'love lies' as time goes on. It can become quite an art;) Perhaps, instead of reminding your Mum that you have already met the Manager, it would be better to enter her world and say 'oh! I would love to meet her'. Your Mum wouldn't be having her memory loss bought up and a response like that doesn't harm anyone. It's very difficult when we have been bought up not to lie-especially to our parents-but it makes for a more peaceful life.

    Take care

    Lyn T
     
  15. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    Thanks. I am now going to tell little white lies, even pretending to my mum that she does not have dementia. She herself said to me she does not think she has it. I am concerned that she may be getting worse. She can go weeks and months and seem very normal and makes coherent important decisions and yet what she accused me of (pretending to be ill to skip off work) was very out of the blue, especially since only two days before she totally believed I was not well.
     
  16. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,397
    Female
    South coast
    They get good days and bad days, but with dementia the overall picture is one of deterioration Im afraid. It is inevitable that she will get worse as the disease progresses. Just deal with things as they arise.
     
  17. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    I spoke to my mum today and she was totally normal. She asked how I was and made reference to my injury and the other leg which she said was all in my mind. She even said how is your other leg, is it still painful? So this means that she has forgotten what she said the other day. I did not mention it. Today she seemed like someone who does not have dementia, and other days she seems like someone who does. The time will come when the bad days outweigh the good and she will have more bad days than good. At the moment she has more good days than bad days. However at her age of 92 and with her general state of physical health, I think before the dementia really gets bad, she will die from a physical ailment, so I will never experience her dementia really bad.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.