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Advice needed


Registered User
Jul 5, 2015
This is the first time I have posted.
Please may I get some advice.
I struggle working with dementia as it's not the area I'm use to.
I am now a carer for a 85 year old lady who has dementia I do 12 hour shifts with this lady.
When I first became her carer we had a fantastic relationship and really got on well.
However I seem to have done some thing to upset her and now she's very aggressive towards me verbally and physically. I have no idea what I have done wrong how ever she thinks I am somebody else and hates me.
Is there anyway I can resolve this situation.
Thank you in advance.


Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
Hello Emgem and welcome to Talking Point.

What you are describing is a very common form of behaviour from someone living with dementia. Hopefully it will be a stage that passes quickly and all you can do is try to distract her in some way.

When she is being nasty try saying you are sorry she is upset and could you get her something, pick something you know she might enjoy. When my husband was agitated I would offer him some cake, chocolate or maybe a ride somewhere in the car just to take his mind of what he was fixated on.

Hopefully others will be along with a few more ideas.

Lilac Blossom

Registered User
Oct 6, 2014
Hello Emgem

(Quote) I struggle working with dementia as it's not the area I'm use to.
I am now a carer for a 85 year old lady who has dementia I do 12 hour shifts with this lady.

From your post I am thinking that you are an employed (paid) care worker and if so, why have you been assigned 12 hour shifts looking after a dementia patient if it is "not the area" you are used to? Have you been on course(s) regarding needs of dementia patients?


Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
South coast
Hello emgem
The nastyness etc is typical dementia Im afraid, and although Compassionate Communication will help I am concerned that you are dealing with this on your own for so long and I am very concerned about the verbal/physical aggression.
Does your employer (the ladies relatives?) know about this? IMO no-one should be put in this position and I think that this lady now needs care from people trained in specialist dementia care.


Registered User
Feb 20, 2012
Northern Ireland
Hi Emgem
You say you are working 12 hour shifts looking after this lady with dementia but that "is not the area you are used to". This is very alarming. Are you employed directly by the family or are you working for an agency. I may be wrong but it comes across that you are working in an area that you are not trained to work in. I know many of us on here care for family untrained but that's a whole different ball game as we're not liable like you would be if something were to happen that could be attributed to your lack of training.
Its also not good that you are working 12 hour shifts. This has to by physically and mentally draining. Allowing for travellning time you really musn't have much time to yourself on the days you are working.
My own mum was very verbally agressive but thankfully not physically so. There are however lots of people who can tell you tales of how physically violent someone can get. I really think you need to re-evaluate whether this post is suitable for you.