Advice Needed

PurplePoppy

Registered User
Oct 3, 2005
53
My mum doesn't recognise my dad as her husband, or me as her daughter. She keeps saying she wants to 'go home', even though she is in her home of fourteen years. We are waiting for a place in a home now and I would like any advice on what to say to her when the moving day comes.

Do we tell her exactly what's happening? Do we lie, and if so what do we say?
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
Hi PurplePoppy

it is a difficult one - but mostly for the carer. If your Mum is at this stage then pretty much anything may be confusing for her, whether 'familiar' or not.

I'd be saying "we've booked you into a nice hotel for a week or so" and see if that works. But no need to say even that until the moment arrives.

It will feel awful doing that, but it is all part of the personal pain we go through in the interests of our loved ones.
 

Kathleen

Registered User
Mar 12, 2005
639
66
West Sussex
Hello PurplePoppy

This was, for us, the hardest thing to do for Mum, but we did it because she needs care 24/7 and we can not do that for her.

This was following Dad's sudden stroke and before his death a couple of weeks later.

We said she was going to stay with friends of ours for a few days, she was alright on the day and settled fairly quickly, we stayed away for the first week on the homes advice.

She still wanted to "go home" as she did when in her own home of 35 years, but eventually that stage passed and almost 2 years on, we look back and are so pleased we made that decision for her.

We asked the home managers advice as they deal with the situation frequently.

Leaving her was just horrible, but as she was chatting happily to other residents, we made a quick exit, leaving the staff to unpack her things for us.
It was much tougher on us than Mum.

Mum is settled, safe and well looked after and we visit as often as we like.

You will need to be strong for each other, especially for your Dad, but we find that we have to base our decisions on Mum's needs, they are paramount as AD leaves our loved ones in such a fragile and vulnerable state.

Look after yourselves and each other and my very best wishes for a smooth transition to this next major step.

Kathleen
 

PurplePoppy

Registered User
Oct 3, 2005
53
Thanks Kahtleen and Brucie for your advice. I must admit that I had thought it would be best to say to mum that she was going into a hotel for a holiday. I suppose we will have to rely on the home for their experience. Must admit to dreading the day, which will hopefully only be a matter of days or weeks away now.