advice needed

[alfjess]

Hi
I am new to this forum. Both of my parents have demensia/alzheimers.
My problem is my parents can no longer live safely or healthly in their own home and I knew I couldn't cope with them living in my home 24/7, so I have bought a residential park home and sited in my garden. Fortunately, my daughter lives next door and is a great help in caring for them. They have been here for over a month now, but my mother won't settle, she cries everyday to go home, despite living in a much cleaner enviroment and getting fed regularly, although we have still to get her into a bath and try to wash her hair. Dad is much easier to deal with, he has had lots of baths since living in the "bungalow" and seems quite happy.
The social worker was here last week and said that maybe, what we were doing could be construed as abuse, as we were detaining my mother against her will and it would be best to involve the community mental health team ASAP to determine Mum's capacity. Capacity for what? She has none.
It would also be good if anyone has any suggestions about getting my Mum to bathe and wash her hair. We have tried all the usual ways, warm bbathroom bubble bath etc, with no successHi
I am new to this forum. Both of my parents have demensia/alzheimers.
My problem is my parents can no longer live safely or healthly in their own home and I knew I couldn't cope with them living in my home 24/7, so I have bought a residential park home and sited in my garden. Fortunately, my daughter lives next door and is a great help in caring for them. They have been here for over a month now, but my mother won't settle, she cries everyday to go home, despite living in a much cleaner enviroment and getting fed regularly, although we have still to get her into a bath and her hair washed. Dad is much easier to deal with, he has had lots of baths since living in the "bungalow" and seems quite happy.
The social worker was here last week and said that maybe, what we were doing could be construed as abuse, as we were detaining my mother against her will and it would be best to involve the community mental health team ASAP to determine Mum's capacity. Capacity for what? She has none.
Has anyone experienced this problem, I would be grateful for any advice
alfjess
Hi
I am new to this forum. Both of my parents have demensia/alzheimers.
My problem is my parents can no longer live safely or healthly in their own home and I knew I couldn't cope with them living in my home 24/7, so I have bought a residential park home and sited in my garden. Fortunately, my daughter lives next door and is a great help in caring for them. They have been here for over a month now, but my mother won't settle, she cries everyday to go home, despite living in a much cleaner enviroment and good food regularly, although we have still to get her into a bath and her hair washed. Dad is much easier to deal with, he has had lots of baths since living in the "bungalow" and seems quite happy.
The social worker was here last week and said that maybe, what we were doing could be construed as abuse, as we were detaining my mother against her will and it would be best to involve the community mental health team ASAP to determine Mum's capacity. Capacity for what? She has none.
Has anyone experienced this problem, I would be grateful for any advice
alfjess

Has anyone experienced this problem, I would be grateful for any advice
alfjess

 

[Amy]

Hiya Alfjess,
Welcome to TP. You really have your hands full! I am sure people will come up with some ideas soon, I know that others have discussed the problem of bathing.
Love
Helen

 

[DickG]

Hi Alfjess

You would seem to be doing the best you can in very trying circumstances. I am appalled that the social workers are virtually accusing you of abuse - my reaction would be to report the matter to their superiors and demand an apology. God knows that the job of a carer is hard enough without thoughtless remarks by social workers. How can they hold these views when your father is very content with the loving care you are providing.

Keep doing what you think is best, you are clearly doing a good job. Sorry I can't help with the bathing problem, I have yet to have experience in that area. Keep in touch.

Dick

 

[Maggie]

I hope you don’t mind me adding that first you have to understand that some people with AD have a fear of water A small cramped bathroom may make the person uneasy noise of water running may unnerve them they may have an irrational fear that he/ she will go down the brain, may feel vulnerable without clothing on or be embarrassed.

Try to explain each step in a soft voice .For example, say “I’m going to wipe your face .This will feel good.” The softness of your voice will be comforting and explanation will prevent startling the individual

I am coping this from a book I have I do have permission as long as I leave a link to the book.
http://www.intothemist.us/ Into the Mist Deborah uetz with Dr Anne Lindsay

Start in non –threatening ways—start with a nice, gentle foot and hand bath, for example, rather than insisting jumping right into a full –fledged body wash. This approach sometimes helps to relax the individual and reassure him or her about safety and respect during this process. A therapeutic touch approach like the aforementioned may actually relax the individual .Allow the person to do as much independently as is possible.

Schedule in baths or showers at the time of day you know the person is generally calmer and more relaxed .Make sure that the bathroom is warm enough --- the elderly and people with Alzheimer’s may be more sensitive to cold than younger healthier persons

 

[Norman]

Hi Alfjess
would the SW consider it abuse when someone is in a care home and crying to go home?
Norman

 

[mel]

Hi Alfjess
First of all I don't see it as abuse.....My mum lives with us but the doors are always locked so I suppose technically that could be seen as false imprisonment....but mums sw knows I do that...and abuse has not been mentioned....Funnily enough i left my son in charge today for 20 minutes and I left the door unlocked....mum saw her chance and escaped.....I found her about half a mile away....said she wanted fresh air and was looking for me......It beats me how she can hardly walk from one room to another and then I find her trundling off at a rate of knots!

As for bathing....I had this problem with mum.....I told her the doctor says she must have a daily shower with me supervising her...otherwise she'll develop sores and end up in hospital
We go through the same palava every day but when I threaten to call the doctor she gives in....I hate bullies but I have to do it ....she's incontinent at night(Although she tells me my kids come downstairs during the night and wee in her bed )...so she needs a daily shower!

It's a hard one though

Wendy

 

[alfjess]

Thank you everyone for your support, I am really trying to do my best, but it is difficult. Mum gets aggresive and gives Dad a hard time. Although Dad also has AD he is very patient with Mum, most of the time, but Mum just won't give him a minutes peace when she is in that frame of mind. Dad then becomes confused and will ask who is she? And tells us to get her out of his sight (who can blame him) We try to seperate them to give each a bit of space, but Mum will not leave him for a minute and does not give up going on about, whatever she is angry about. Obviously at the moment, she is angry at Dad for not being able to get her back to her own home. We have tried telling her the facts, ie. they cannot cope on their own. She has no one to care for her, because we live 50 miles away. All of her family live in the village etc, it makes no difference. She is in total denial, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her or Dad, in her opinion and we are all telling lies.
We will see what the CPN, who is coming tomorrow has to say. If the authorities decide that we are abusing my Mum by detaining her against her will, I'm afraid the next step is a NH and they will have to take my Mum kicking and screaming. I have already enquired about this and was told that it would be very difficult to get double occupancy. It is their diamond wedding in August, how could I seperate them?
As to bathing, I will try some of your suggestions
I will let you know the outcome of tomorrows assessment by the CPN.
Alfjess

 

[Tender Face]

Alfjess, I can't believe on top of all you are coping with that you are being 'subjected' to suggestions of abuse.... (although cynically, yes, I could cite many examples of work with children when to 'touch' them is deemed abusive whilst 'not touching' could be deemed as neglect ... don't want to get too graphic.....)

You seem to have found an innovative way of 'coping' which best suits all the family holistically under remarkably difficult circumstances ... hats off to you..... don't let one social worker and their interpretation get you down...... some are angels... some think they are 'gods' or 'legal gurus' .... ask him/her what their perception is of 'detaining people against their will is'..... plenty in HMPs who would cry that......

Sorry, Alfjess, getting inappropriately mad on your behalf when all I really wanted to do was to congratulate you and offer you whatever support I can,

Love, Karen (TF), x

 

[Rosalind]

Good grief, how can they possibly acuse you of abuse? I do hope the CPN is more supportive of you. Our doubles as social worker, and is fine and very helpful, so if yours is even half way reasonable I suggest you ask for advice on how to cope with this idiot Social Worker.

It is so difficult knowing how to handle unsatisfactory support services - you don't like to kick up too much and be labelled a troublemaker, but at the same time no one should be expected to put up with being accused of abuse when you move a fragile parent into a specially purchased home, with supervision and care on hand.

I am so angry at your story I could scream, but that would not help. Perhaps others on this forum could suggest ways that you could change social workers?

 

[Kath TN]

Hi Alfjess

My dad wouldn't bathe or shower until we had his bathroom adapted to a 'wet room' so now he has a shower fittd to the wall, a drain in the floor and he can just sit on a chair to shower. Getting into a both or traditional shower cubicle caused him huge distress. The bathroom adaptation was paid for by the local authority.

Don't know if this is any use to you but it certainly helped us - dad has a shower every day now, usually without prompting.

 

[alfjess]

Hi all
Thanks for the bathing suggestion, Kath. I already have a wet room in my own house, it was actually installed for my dogs, St bernards (which I don't have anymore, they have all passed away) In the wet room there is also a wc, which Mum uses, but when I tried to get her to use it for showering, she had a panic attack.
Not one, but two CPN'S came to-day, they were very supportive. They asked Dad if he liked living here and he said "yes, it could be worse!!" When they asked Mum where her own home was, she didn't know. Maybe the social worker who suggested abuse has done me a favour. Support workers are going to visit regularly, a male for Dad and a female for Mum to try to give them a bit of time away from each other. Day care is also being arranged, starting next week and medication short term, for Mum to calm her is tol be discussed with the phychiatrist.
Again thank you all for your support, I was beginning to doubt myself and wondering if I was abusing my Mum by refusing to allow her to go back to her home. It is great to get confirmation from others I am doing the best I can and sometimes the professionals get it wrong. Crises over, until the next one
Alfjess

 

[Lynne]

Hi Alfjess

Have just read your saga through, and I'm glad it reaches a constructive conclusion (at least so far).

You are doing a TERRIFIC job looking after your Mum & Dad and, hopefully, with the assistance you have now been offered they will be able to stay together for a good while longer. Don't get too hung up on that inappropriate use of the word 'abuse',

SW said that maybe, what we were doing could be construed as abuse

I think the SW was trying to 'encourage' you to work with the CPNs, & accept more help. Certainly an unfortunate & unprofessional choice of words though.

Please keep us informed how things go, and good luck.

 

[DaisyG]

Hi

Sorry to hear of your problems.


I'd like to make a suggestion ... re mum and showering/bathing.....


Does she 'remember' from day to day about washing/bathing? if not.....
you could try saying....


"You know.. It's time for your 'weekly' shower/bath..." or
"Gosh ! .... I think WE 'forgot' to help you with your bath last week"


(Even if she has a bath/shower every day ... try and tell a 'wee white lie').



I've seen in some of the disability magazines that you can buy a 'thing'
(sorry I can't remember the name !) ... that sits over a 'normal sink' ...
and sort of 'converts' it into a salon style 'back wash' sink....


It's a wedge / flat-ish shape ... looks like it is made out of plastic....


Would she be 'up for this' kind of hairwash?



You could also try and buy one of those 'ring style hair cover' things... the sort you buy for children who don't like water in their eyes.
Haven't seen them in years... but I bet Mothercare still sell them....


Hope this may be of some help.

Take Care

DaisyG