advice needed


Registered User
Oct 13, 2005
I am attending a ward review thursday where my mum as managed in the last week to be very guarded in her responses to staff and other extended family members but when me and my sisters visit she is constantly expressing continuing psychotic and at times bizarre thoughts.On monday she she was very angry and said i was hell bent on putting in a home this was extremely distressing as i really believe that this would in fact be the best solution and this was from my mum who has always stated that when the time came to have no regrets on such actions but used every emotional plea in the book.Hence I was mortified.As yet the ct scan has not been performed but I am worried that by my mum's facade with professionals a home assessment will be performed and we will be back at crisis point within no time.
I am also amazed to be informed her cognitive memory test was top marks when immediately prior to admission it was evident she was forgetting birthdays,which day it was and on one occassion how to write.


Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Dear Marie, I can hear bells ringing here, my Mum was just the same. They seem able to put on this normal face for others, then, when alone with those close to them, it all slips. My Mum managed this for over a year, although I later found out that they had informed her GP that she had early dementia, they just didn't seem to think I needed to know too! Grrrrrr! All you can do is try to point out your worries to the professionals, hopefully without your Mum being aware and thus alienating her and making things worse for yourself. Not an easy task. As we often suggest to each other on TP, perhaps a letter sent beforehand or even handed in on arrival if no time, explaining your concerns and asking for a tactful handling of a very difficult situation might help, you can never tell how the professionals will play it, thats the trouble. Good luck on Thursday, please post when you get a chance and let us know how you got on, thinking of you, love She. XX


Registered User
Jun 2, 2005
Los Angeles, USA

If the "cognitive memory test" is the mini-mental exam or something similar, I'm not totally surprised. My mom was scoring 27 or 28 out of 30 whilst having major problems negotiating everyday life.

I agree with Shiela's advice, and would add that sometimes specific facts and anecdotes can help the doctor grasp the true state of affairs. Since (a few years ago) my mom "presented well" in an office visit and scored high on the mini-mental exam, her doctor could only conclude that she was basically OK. So I wrote up the story of a few days in Mom's life, with various misadventures, and sent it to the doctor. It really opened the doctor's eyes, and got us headed down the path of memory drugs, etc.

It's very difficult when parents get upset/angry/distressed and we feel bad about "putting them" in a home; try to remember that when you mother was well she wanted you to do so if/when it became in everyone's best interest. Good luck!



Registered User
Oct 13, 2005
weekly review

Thank-you for your helpadvice and support.I attended the ward weekly review and manged to speak regarding continuing concerns and our wishes regarding future manageable care even though I know they are pushing towards home care with care packages.I have stipulated that this is not going to be an option even though I don't doubt that they can stabilise my mum but I am not willing to return to another crisis before residential care is an option.Just read this and it sounds really hard but that is not how it is meant.I love my mum just want her safe and me sane


Registered User
Jun 3, 2005

My Mum "puts on a show" for the doctor, etc., and I have started keeping a diary of things which happen day to day. Of course we would all like to be able to keep them at home & do all we can, but for a huge variety of reasons and circumstances, it's not always possible.

Tough-love is still love. When she was 'herself', your Mum told you that. {{Hug}}

My Mum (an ex psychiatric nurse herself) has said the same thing herself, but I expect I shall still go through the same crisis of conscience if/when the time comes.

Best Wishes


Registered User
Jul 12, 2005

You are doing the right thing - good for you!!

I mean that with all sincerity.

I understand that it is very easy for me (and anyone else) to say, but you really are doing the right thing. It's as hard as hell I know - but done in the best interests of your Mum.

It cannot be remotely nice to have to hear your Mum say these things about you, but you are being honest and realistic - and caring.

That takes courage and love.

I wish you all the best,

Charly :)