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Advice needed


New member
Mar 29, 2020

I apologise in advance if this comes across as a full on moan but I just need to air my feelings & receive any feedback.

My Husband & I have moved in with my Mother in Law back in September, she has vascular dementia & has been diagnosed since August 2018. She is 86 years old.

In the evening when she has taken her pills she seems to be disoriented & not know she is at home. She also obsesses over if the house is locked up. When watching tv she asks questions like “can they see us?

I also struggle with her personal hygiene or lack of it, she hides her dirty underwear & clothes & I have to hunt them down everyday. I have found her underwear hidden in the most bizarre of places (beside the freezer & begins the sink)

She has a commode & manages to carry that downstairs & empty it every morning, however she can’t manage to take it back upstairs when she has emptied it & takes to hiding that too. You can see she is struggling to carry the pot downstairs but will not let you help her & continues with the struggle.

My Husband & I sometimes find ourselves wondering what we have done by moving in with her & I envy the people who come to visit & are able to go back to their own lives as we can’t anymore.

We own the house now as it was subject to a negative equity issue so we decided to buy it.

I feel for my Husband as he is trying to do the best by the both of us & he is stuck in a hard place. I am not as patient as him & find myself snapping a lot when she is asking constant questions all the time. He says just to ignore her but I find it hard. It has caused a couple of arguments between us already. We are fine now but I really don’t want my reactions to his Mum cause issues with our marriage.

I have read quite a lot about dementia & every case seems so different, not all experiences are the same but I just want to know are my feelings normal?

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
Hullo and welcome to the forum @LouRoo. Don't worry about moaning, feelings of frustration and the need to moan occasionally are normal when living with dementia and you are among people who understand. The advice and tips on
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/ might help you deal with the constant questions, which sadly also come with dementia.
Sorry I can't offer anything on the commode or the hidden clothes, you may need to get outside carers in to help there, but I am not too sure how that process is affected by the current situation. Hopefully others can offer something.


New member
Mar 29, 2020
Thank you @nae sporran. I will have a look at the link provided. We did have outside carers in up until a few weeks ago. Even though they had carried out a risk assessment on the wet rook we had installed for her they kept asking for more & more aids & this was very stressful for us as a family. We now have family members washing her 3 times a week