Advice needed - visits

[Frank24]

I wondered if anyone can advise me on what they think I should do. My lovely Mum is in a care home. She went in last year and I've visited her up until the recent lock down in the garden/ and pod. I was granted a compassionate visit to see my Mum last Nov as her condition had deteriorated and the GP advised it was appropriate to ask. When I did this I arranged it for me and also for my sibling to go at a different time. We don't have a good relationship due to various disagreements with care arrangements and other things relating to my Mum. Visiting as has now opened up again on a first come first serve basis, and is limited. I live a distance away but am obviously really keen to see my Mum and how she is as soon as possible although know from experience these pod visits are extremely difficult for my Mum who totally lacks understanding and I find them emotionally destroying. My problem is my siblings other half, has already booked in a visit. My sibling is not attending, and I am suprised at how keen she is to visit considering she never visited very often when Mum was at home.
As sole POA of health and welfare, and living a good distance away, my journey will invoice a £180 round trip, ive had to ask my sibling to explain to his wife she cant go this time. Not well received. My mum would 100 per cent prefer to see me, and I have a responsibility to ensure she is being cared for. How do I approach this with the care home? I also need to be able to have more notice than 1 x week as my train ticket was an eye watering cost of £180 as I couldn't book in advance. Is it reasonable in light of all the above to ask if I can prebook maybe x 2 weeks in advance rather than have to hit redial... im struggling with asking for special treatment...

 

[DennyD]

A awkward situation. Would it be an option to explain this to the care home in the same manner you have done here? If I were a member of staff I would find your argument perfectly reasonable and acceptable to make allowances, especially with the distance involved. Are the home aware you have POA? A first come first served basis might possibly create problems for others carers, families and it's likely they will be contacted by others for whom this system is going to create difficulties. Is it on a basis of one visit per week and do you know when the slots are released?
I hope you get it sorted.

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Frank24 I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have a word with the care home and let them know your circumstances to see if they will let you book 2 weeks visits at a time. Hopefully the home will be understanding and you will be offered a solution that works for you as I know how hard it is when visiting opportunities are limited. Let's hope that things get better soon and there is more flexibility in respect of care home visits.

 

[Frank24]

Hello @Frank24 I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have a word with the care home and let them know your circumstances to see if they will let you book 2 weeks visits at a time. Hopefully the home will be understanding and you will be offered a solution that works for you as I know how hard it is when visiting opportunities are limited. Let's hope that things get better soon and there is more flexibility in respect of care home visits.

Thank you. My brother has acted reasonably this time so I can go. I know this is a temporary situation I’m just finding it very hard this week. My mums care home are very good but she has declined massively so it’s very difficult this extended time period with no visiting. I did FaceTime with her yesterday which I find very difficult as my mum has very limited speech now and understanding so a conversation isn’t really possible. I’m struggling this week

 

[DennyD]

Thank you. My brother has acted reasonably this time so I can go. I know this is a temporary situation I’m just finding it very hard this week. My mums care home are very good but she has declined massively so it’s very difficult this extended time period with no visiting. I did FaceTime with her yesterday which I find very difficult as my mum has very limited speech now and understanding so a conversation isn’t really possible. I’m struggling this week

Good to hear that you are able to visit. It's hard, please do hang in there, easier said than done I know.

 

[Louise7]

I did FaceTime with her yesterday which I find very difficult as my mum has very limited speech now and understanding so a conversation isn’t really possible. I’m struggling this week

Hello @Frank24 I had the same problems with video calling as mum can't communicate much but knew my voice and kept looking around the room to see where I was. After that I decided not to have any more Facetime calls as although these can work well for some it wasn't beneficial for mum and is no replacement for face to face contact. I hope your visit goes well.

 

[Frank24]

Thanks both. Louise - my mum was looking around the room to see me too. It made me really wobble. As she seemed so confused - i cant imagine what she thinks if she is able about the fact I have disappeared from her life. we were once so close.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Frank, My mum's care home has set the pod visits up well, but the sound is dreadful. Add in me being deaf, mum speaking quietly and not have good eyesight and things could have been tricky. However she loves dance so my husband and I have resorted to dance instead. We have fun and mum enjoys it, so it feels good even if it is a strange way of communicating The home are happy for my husband to come along as my 'ears', but he can't hear much with their system either.
I'd take along a few visual aids or some music if you think that might help your mother connect to who you are. Hope it goes as well as it can, and roll on the time that we can start visiting without barriers again.

 

[Louise7]

Thanks both. Louise - my mum was looking around the room to see me too. It made me really wobble. As she seemed so confused - i cant imagine what she thinks if she is able about the fact I have disappeared from her life. we were once so close.

It's heartbreaking @Frank24 but I take some comfort from knowing that mum is settled there, and the staff are caring. Mum's home doesn't have a pod so there is less of a barrier but similar to @Sarasa I tend to do a silly dance when I see mum as that makes her smile, and I read to her and play music from my phone too. I'm hoping that better weather arrives soon as mum loves going out in the garden and I can point out the birds and squirrels to her and talk about the plants/flowers. I hope your visit tomorrow goes ok.

 

[Frank24]

It's heartbreaking @Frank24 but I take some comfort from knowing that mum is settled there, and the staff are caring. Mum's home doesn't have a pod so there is less of a barrier but similar to @Sarasa I tend to do a silly dance when I see mum as that makes her smile, and I read to her and play music from my phone too. I'm hoping that better weather arrives soon as mum loves going out in the garden and I can point out the birds and squirrels to her and talk about the plants/flowers. I hope your visit tomorrow goes ok.

?? Thank you! ❤️

 

[Jale]

Mum's nursing home have said that at the moment the person who is listed as next of kin can visit.

 

[tsgc84]

It’s been hard visiting my dad, luckily the home have started an online booking and are able to book a month in advance. Hopefully things will start to ease up, just call the home and speak to the manager and explain your situation.