Advice needed re deadlines for discharge

[Dave W]

Since early December I've been searching for a home placement for my mother, currently in hospital. There's much been much unnecessary grief along the way - local Social Services here don't even publish a listing, for example, but she's on four waiting lists. Today, I'm invited - at one working day's notice - to a ward review meeting at the hospital and get an email dropping thinly veiled hints that there's going to be a deadline imposed to get her out of the hospital bed.

I'm trying to hold down a full-time job (having lost one last year and being £10K a year worse off) while doing all this unaided, as the hospital's fiorm suggestion is that she move nearer me (she's 100 miles away). As she'll be self-funding, I can only approach some local homes directly - the remainder are block booked by local Social Services, and while they might consider her for their allocation list, there's no guarantee she'll be reviewed or that I'll have any choice or say in which home. She's utterly set against the whole idea anyway, and I fail to see how dumping her just anyway is going to help anyone. And I can see my inheritance being peed up the wall (pardon my French) in more grief than is really required.

So what do I do know? I'm getting no help from local services, or from the hospial in finding a place - this entire task is down to me. I don't know whether to headbutt someone, or just headbutt a wall.

Dave

 

[Dave W]

Thanks: further info by way of reply

Nada

thanks for the information, although I suspect I already had all of this.

I have previously managed to get a complete listing from CSCI (and have indeed contacted the local society, who regretably took over a week to respond), and have already visited every home in the area registered to accommodate residents with dementia. I've already got my mother on four waiting lists.

Can the hospital force me to accept a place somewhere else that I don't want, even if the resident will be self-financing?

Given that I don't have my own transport, part of the whole reasoning for moving my mother nearer to me was to make life more practically possible for me - and presumably to improve the situation for me by making visiting easier. Placing her somewhere else may even make it impossible for me to get there at all other than at vast expense.

What can I actually do in this situation?

 

[susan.wisdom]

Hi, I am in a similar situation to you. My aunt is having to wait for an EMI home and is also self-funding. The looking for a home is left up to us relatives, I am lucky in a way because I am a nurse myself and know all the places in the local area. The hospitals here will keep the patients until they have somewhere to go, and I am kucky in the my aunt will eventually be able to be transfered to the local community hospital where I work, to wait. At the moment she is in a Geriatric ward in the acute hospital, and has been put into a bay for 'long waiters' and all the others in that bay are severly demented and 'out of it'. For my aunt who can still walk, wash & dress herself and is continent there is no stimulation at all and I'm afraid if she stays with them too long, she will end up the same.
As far as taking the first place that comes up, I think you will have to take it, as I will, but you can still leave your relatives name on the other lists and they can transfer there when a room is available.
Good luck in your hunt.
susan

 

[Dave W]

Update

The CPN is looking for interim placements for 24 Jan (deadline for delayed discharge - it takes the consultant 6 wees to respond to a letter, but I get two weeks to find a place when I'm an amateur doing a full-time job: does that seem unfair to you?). I'm phoning around here to all the homes that I'd actually be able to travel to and aren't 100% block booked through the local Council (they're explained there's no hope ofa placement via them for at least a couple of months, so there's no local 'backstop').

Have given CPN local numbers, and she will try to help with this.

Just feel really drained - weeks of trying to do the right thing unaided, and find somewhere I think she'll not object (I've had the 'don't you ever put me in ahom' conversation several times already, and am just having to lie - she can't accept any kind of diagnosis). Any digial hugs kindly accepted.

Dave

 

[connie]

David, lots of {{{{{hugs}}}}} coming your way. I am trying to find a placement home for Lionel.
He hates where he is, but that is only for 2 weeks assessment. I know he will come home, but that equally, the situation will deteriate again because of his mobility problems.
As you say, we are ameteurs trying to do a proffessional job. Was advised this morning, visit as many homes as you can, as many times as you need. This is not easy when you are caring 24/7.
Thinking of you though, as I guess your needs are far more pressing than mine. Look after yourself, love Connie

 

[Dave W]

Thanks, Connie

Connie - thank you for such a kind message. As you've probably seen from other postings, it's got much more complicated since then. We found a vacancy, but that very same day Mum collapsed in hospital (she's been in a psychiatric ward since October), and was rushed to A&E. She'd fainted where her blood pressure (normally sky high) had fallen through the floor. It might be one of those things (we've had quite a few of them, it seems), it might be a change of medication a couple of days before hand. Whichever, she's much more confused since and considerably more challenging, agitated and agressive. The hospital have therefore decided she's fit for discharge at the moment, and we now have to wait to see if the home wll keep the room for another week till she's reviewed again. Truly galling that for nearly two hours I felt like we were finally getting somewhere.

Good luck with your search - I can imagine exactly how are feeling. I do hope you have good people around you to listen to you, cheer you up occasionally and offer encouragement. There are some good homes out there, although finding a vacancy seems to be the total headache here. And I do hope that gult isn't eating you - don't let it, you are doing the right thing and the kindest thing. If Lionel could fully understand, he'd know that and thank you.

Best of luck,

Dave

 

[soozieann]

Hi Dave,
My heart goes out to you, and you Connie, Susan and everyone else. A big hug for both of you. I can so understand how you are feeling, I was in a similar position last week, when the hospital wanted to discharge my mother when she was clearly unsafe physically and mentally. I thought I had problems as I've got to go through social services as there is no money. The social worker is also trying to find a home near me as I don't drive, work four days a week and have a family.

Dave, easy for me to say, but don't worry too much about your inheritance- just get your mother safe and happy what ever it takes, then you will be happy I'm sure.

Regarding the hospital, if they are trying to get her discharged, have you tried PALS? My sister phoned the one where my mother is and she went to see the sister on the ward- don't know if it helped, but to sit and worry is the worst feeling in the world isn't it?

With your mother being resistant to going to a home, you could try what worked for me, and that was to say, it was like a holiday and she could come out when she was stronger ....?

Although my mother is very confused [this does fluctuate though] and needs help washing and dressing, also incontinent- she still has a lively mind. And like Susan.wisdom, I am worried that without stimulation she will go downhill even quicker whilst waiting on the geriatric ward. On Friday I phoned the Red Cross who have an office at the hospital as they offered to visit her when she was discharged last time. The volunteer said she would visit my mother this week and as long as she was there. Also the volunteer co-ordinator is going to ask her volunteers if anyone would like to pop in and see mum. I am going to ask Age Concern also. If your relative or their partner fought in the war, the British Legion might be able to help- that's my next phone call.

Best wishes, chin up and keep hope in your hearts,

Sooz

 

[Dave W]

Doh! Must learn to read

Er ... I missed a 'not' out there somewhere, as in 'Not fit for discharge ...' - and hence the worry about "will the home wait".

We're due to go to the home tomorrow to view the room, so I shall try discretly asking. Don't care if they want me to start paying, in all honesty. I can't go back round the last loop again, or I shall be in psych ward myself. Baying to be allowed to stay.

And I do know exactly what you mean in anther respect: my mother isn't the only who seems to forget I live 80 miles away (with most of London falling in the gap), don't have a car, have a full-time job. The times I've bitten my tongue before I said something truly acid about mild memory loss ... and then jumping through another impossible 71 hoops, only for the goal posts to start waltzing again. If you follow the metaphorical muddle.

Mum is pretty good still at the washing and dressing at the moment (although the dress sense is getting interesting), but the best word for her mind would be suspicious. Bordering on the paranoid. Attempt to occupy her and you're up to something to take her mind off the last thing she imagined you were up to. It's like dealing with a deranged Gestapo officer, albeit one in carpet slippers who cant remember where the corridor leads. She's also turning into a kleptomaniac (she continually carries her handbag which - on last inspection had the toothpaste for just about every single patient in it) - while continually accusing everyone else of stealing from her. Oh boy.

Still, time for bed and a large nightcap so I can brace myself for the next lap. I wonder which one of her only children I'll be tomorrow?

 

[Lynne]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(Just sounded to me like you need at least one a day at the moment, so we'll try to take it in turns.)

 

[Dave W]

Thanks Lynne

Lynne - bless you, that's lovely. All hugs gratefully received right now, and please accept several back from me too.

Went to see the room tonight - much bigger than we expected, and it has character. Nice beam running across the middle, view out over the market place (it's in an old market town not far from us), lots of shelves for knicknacks - and the assistant who showed us round said she didn't think holding the room for a little while would be a problem. Fingers crossed. And re-crossed.

Let's just hope she settles down a bit soon - two nieghbours visited today and got an hour's aggresive roasting, and I spoke to one of the ward nurses tonight, who said much the same: she's had quite a go at nearly all the staff today.

I can feel a stiff fax about messing with medication when she was settled and calm and supposedly being prepared for discharge coming on. If we wind up losing the home place, I'll throw everything in the book at them.

Still, bedtime calls. Bellyful of Chinese, thanks to my wonderful partner, and the headache has gone for an hour or two so I'll go and shut my eyes.

All the best to all of you here, and thank you all for being here to rant at, unload at, advise, tele-hug and support. You're more help than I'm getting from a lot of people wo should know better.

Sweet dreams, everyone.