advice needed please

SueShell

Registered User
Sep 13, 2012
395
Orpington
Haven't posted for a while. Mum still in NH waiting for her CHC assessment, apparently there is a long wait. Haven't heard from SS and I haven't contacted them, until I got a call today!!! They want to assess Mum in the NH next Tuesday morning and I'm dreading it because I know they want her home. As I'm still recovering from a nervous breakdown after single handedly caring for her for 4 and a half years, I am not prepared to get involved if they deem she should come home. She is now doubly incontinent, skin like tissue paper, sacrum bed sore (from when she was in hospital) bed ridden, eating hardly anything, like a skeleton, objectionable to everything and no memory to speak of, she can't remember where she lives or what its like even though she says she wants to go home. She needs 24 hour care now.

Any tips or advice on what I should say to SS to reaffirm that she has to stay put and not be sent home? Obviously as Mum is not self funding all they are interested in is saving money not what's in Mum (and my) best interests. Many thanks Sue
 

flossielime

Registered User
May 8, 2014
201
Why do you think SS want her home? Surely given her condition anyone could suggest it is in her best interest to go home?
 

Hair Twiddler

Registered User
Aug 14, 2012
892
Middle England
Oh Sue,
How have YOU been? I do hope that as mum hasn't been next door that you have had some quality time to relax and enjoy yourself - do let us know.
As for your mum, any chance that you could switch everything OFF in her flat, empty fridge, freezer, food cupboards, plonk a bottle of bleach on the toilet seat, strip her bed (do not make it fresh and clean) and leave the keys for the attention of mum's social worker and the instruction that her flat needs a full inspection, cleaning and the heating and water attending to - you will not be doing it.

As for caring duties - you will not be available. Do try not to be sucked into explanations - I know it feels awful but do try to say your piece and then say "I have to go now" turn and walk away.
Take care my lovely x
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,210
Oh Sue,
How have YOU been? I do hope that as mum hasn't been next door that you have had some quality time to relax and enjoy yourself - do let us know.
As for your mum, any chance that you could switch everything OFF in her flat, empty fridge, freezer, food cupboards, plonk a bottle of bleach on the toilet seat, strip her bed (do not make it fresh and clean) and leave the keys for the attention of mum's social worker and the instruction that her flat needs a full inspection, cleaning and the heating and water attending to - you will not be doing it.

As for caring duties - you will not be available. Do try not to be sucked into explanations - I know it feels awful but do try to say your piece and then say "I have to go now" turn and walk away.
Take care my lovely x
Fully agree.
Be very firm as to what you are not prepared to do, as you have your health to consider.

Bod
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,162
I'd just tell them you are not caring for her due to your own health issues. You don't have to say more or justify yourself - they don't have the right to know your personal history. Even if she were still happy and spry you still have the right to withdraw IF you feel you've had enough. There's a very good video on here somewhere - where the the stages of dementia are defined according to what the carer thinks. By this criteria, you have said she's onto the second stage, which is full-time care.
Be strong. Good luck.
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Do you have a good relationship with the care home Manager?, if so, perhaps she could support you on this, we did this when trying to get Mum permanent care, the care home staff gave examples of behaviour they had noticed and the help they were having to give Mum, they were very vocal in giving their opinions that Mum needed 24 hour care. Also make it clear that you are unable to be a carer any longer, will your GP provide you with a letter of support to hand them? Poor you, it is disgusting that people are expected to do this when they are clearly not well enough themselves. Xx

Ange
 

SueShell

Registered User
Sep 13, 2012
395
Orpington
Thanks Sallyann and Ange and everyone else. I had to go to Aldershot yesterday for my Mums brothers funeral (she cant remember him) so missed the MH Doctor visit to Mum so asked one of the carers if I could read Mums notes this morning to see what had happened. The carer said as next of kin I can read the notes anytime I like and it was quite an eye opener! The MH Doctor is putting her on a strong antidepressant and requested some blood tests. The also have photos of Mums back and sacrum which are really sore and bright red because they turn her two hourly but because she cannot remember and because she is so weak now she has to be put in position with lots of pillows etc to stop her rolling over again, she's like a tiny skeleton in the bed its no wonder they are trying to prevent bed sores. It tells of her refusal of the fortified drinks, her refusal to comply with all sorts of things and is very comprehensive as far as records show. SS will be signing their own death warrant (in the legal sense) if they send her home. In fact just received a call from SS Finance who are coming to do yet another financial assessment. If they send her home I am most certainly going to take matters further because she is now so poorly it would be cruel to allow her home when she won't get the care she deserves if she's at home.
Hairtwiddler - I will send you a PM.
Hugs to everyone, Sue