I would be grateful for any advice on how to deal with the inevitable questions, accusations and pleading that I know will await me when I visit mum for the first time in the CH. She went to respite care 10 days ago after becoming dehydrated after refusing to eat or drink, and collapsing on the floor early one morning. The staff have told her that the doctor wanted her to go there to be looked after and so I could have a rest. (I have been a full-time carer for about a year and have lived with her for many years). I had to take her there which was the hardest thing I have ever done but I realise now just how exhausted I had become. I phone the manager regularly and get good updates. Mum is gradually settling but continues to ask when she is going home. The staff seem very caring. The manager has asked me not to visit for 2-3 weeks as they fear it will upset her too much and knowing her as well as I do, I agree. To be honest, up until now, I have just not felt strong enough to deal with the stress of answering her questions and seeing her upset. I would be very grateful for any advice on how other carers have dealt with this situation.
Advice needed on visiting mum in CH
- Thread starter Dunkery
- Start date
Hi, sorry to hear about your Mum, it is awful isnt it, you must take this time to rest yourself too. I would just carry on with what the carehome staff have said to Mum, when she asks about going home, you could say,when the doctor feels you are strong enough and then try change the subject, I refer to the staff as nurses at a cottage hospital, obviously depends on your Mums age, mine is of that age that remembers these little hospitals, so it helps. When she is adamant she wants to go home, I say to my Mum, this is better than being in the big main hospital, as you have your own room and we can visit moreand if you wont stay here the doctor will send you to the main hospital where you will be on a ward. Also if she becomes agitated, cut the visit shorter, say you have an appointment or need to go to work. another good thing is to time visits to end when they are about to have a meal or start an activity. Good luck and take care xx
Ange
Ange
Such a worrying time, isn't it, and I don't mind admitting that to my shame I absolutely dreaded visiting my mother in the CH at first. I would stick to what the staff have been saying, the doctor says it's just till she's a bit better/stronger, etc. If she won't accept that, you might have to embroider it a bit with whatever seems best. It wasn't your decision, it's a lot nicer than hospital, etc.
I will confess that I once told my mother (under duress from the endless 'I want to go home! - and she simply would NOT be distracted) - that we had chosen a very nice place for her, with her own bathroom, and if we hadn't it would have been out of our hands, SS would have taken over and put her somewhere not nearly as nice and smelling of wee. This was a complete fib since we had not involved SS at all, but I was pretty desperate at the time.
I do hope you will find your mum reasonably contented and able to be distracted, if necessary. I know all too well what a stomach-churning, angst ridden time this can be.
I will confess that I once told my mother (under duress from the endless 'I want to go home! - and she simply would NOT be distracted) - that we had chosen a very nice place for her, with her own bathroom, and if we hadn't it would have been out of our hands, SS would have taken over and put her somewhere not nearly as nice and smelling of wee. This was a complete fib since we had not involved SS at all, but I was pretty desperate at the time.
I do hope you will find your mum reasonably contented and able to be distracted, if necessary. I know all too well what a stomach-churning, angst ridden time this can be.
Thank you Ange for that advice. You have given me an idea of the way forward and that is comforting. x
Hi Witzend. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one dreading the visits, and it has helped me to feel a little less guilty. I am only just starting to relax and to sleep a bit better now. It is so strange to be able to just go out when I feel like it and not to have to plan everything in advance and still not be sure if I will be able to go or not. I feel mum will be similar to your mum-the manager has already commented how she always has an response when they try to distract her-but you have made me feel a bit more positive that I will be able to deal with the situation when the time comes for my first visit. I know I cannot let her come home again but have been worried that I will give in when I see her upset-even though all my friends are telling me that would be the worst thing I could do, for her as well as for myself. I know it won't be easy but it helps to know that others have faced similar challenges and have found a way to cope. Thanks again, Take care. x
I would recommend taking a friend or family member with you. We find that visits to our relative are easier to manage if you can bounce the conversation around a bit. If one person is under pressure the other person takes over. I quite understand that your mum refuses to be distracted or appeased, but having 2 visitors just prevents one person bearing the sole brunt of the complaints, pleadings and repetitive questions. If your mum is used to getting her own way by going on and on she won't change her behaviour now. 
I think the CH staff are right to ask you to stay away until your mum is a bit more settled. We have experienced this process recently. Our relative was up until then focused entirely on family and would not have any help or social activities that involved outsiders. 6 weeks in hospital made no difference, she still expected each visitor to be the one taking her home. The same behaviour persisted at the CH for the first few weeks.
Then, for reasons of our own summer commitments, family visits reduced to maybe one a week, or even less frequently. Our relative began to transfer her focus to the CH staff. Emotionally she felt more secure if she engaged with them, because, frankly, there was no-one else there who she could talk to. Now when we visit she enjoys it, but after about 30 minutes has exhausted all topics of conversation and is ready for us to leave.
I think I understand this 'settling in' process better now. It isn't just about familiarisation with the surroundings, food, and general care regime. It is about accepting, to some degree, that this is not a place where you arrived this morning and are going 'back home' tonight, or some time soon. I don't think our relative accepts that she is in the CH permanently, but she has accepted that she is there for a while, whatever that means to her. Probably it means, until I am feeling more able to cope with living alone again.
I think the CH staff are right to ask you to stay away until your mum is a bit more settled. We have experienced this process recently. Our relative was up until then focused entirely on family and would not have any help or social activities that involved outsiders. 6 weeks in hospital made no difference, she still expected each visitor to be the one taking her home. The same behaviour persisted at the CH for the first few weeks.
Then, for reasons of our own summer commitments, family visits reduced to maybe one a week, or even less frequently. Our relative began to transfer her focus to the CH staff. Emotionally she felt more secure if she engaged with them, because, frankly, there was no-one else there who she could talk to. Now when we visit she enjoys it, but after about 30 minutes has exhausted all topics of conversation and is ready for us to leave.
I think I understand this 'settling in' process better now. It isn't just about familiarisation with the surroundings, food, and general care regime. It is about accepting, to some degree, that this is not a place where you arrived this morning and are going 'back home' tonight, or some time soon. I don't think our relative accepts that she is in the CH permanently, but she has accepted that she is there for a while, whatever that means to her. Probably it means, until I am feeling more able to cope with living alone again.
I would recommend taking a friend or family member with you. We find that visits to our relative are easier to manage if you can bounce the conversation around a bit. If one person is under pressure the other person takes over. I quite understand that your mum refuses to be distracted or appeased, but having 2 visitors just prevents one person bearing the sole brunt of the complaints, pleadings and repetitive questions. If your mum is used to getting her own way by going on and on she won't change her behaviour now.
I think the CH staff are right to ask you to stay away until your mum is a bit more settled. We have experienced this process recently. Our relative was up until then focused entirely on family and would not have any help or social activities that involved outsiders. 6 weeks in hospital made no difference, she still expected each visitor to be the one taking her home. The same behaviour persisted at the CH for the first few weeks.
Then, for reasons of our own summer commitments, family visits reduced to maybe one a week, or even less frequently. Our relative began to transfer her focus to the CH staff. Emotionally she felt more secure if she engaged with them, because, frankly, there was no-one else there who she could talk to. Now when we visit she enjoys it, but after about 30 minutes has exhausted all topics of conversation and is ready for us to leave.
I think I understand this 'settling in' process better now. It isn't just about familiarisation with the surroundings, food, and general care regime. It is about accepting, to some degree, that this is not a place where you arrived this morning and are going 'back home' tonight, or some time soon. I don't think our relative accepts that she is in the CH permanently, but she has accepted that she is there for a while, whatever that means to her. Probably it means, until I am feeling more able to cope with living alone again.
Thank you Katrine. It has been very interesting to read about your experiences of visiting your relative. I don't think mum will accept she is in the home permanently either and will never accept she cannot manage at home but hopefully she will accept she is there for a while eventually. She is VERY strong-willed and expects to get her own way. I think your suggestion of taking someone with me is a good one. I do not have any other family but do have some good friends, who would accompany me.
Thanks again,
Take care.
It is very difficult and you can only do your best. Some people settle quickly. And then stay settled. Some people settle - and then unsettle. My mother never settled I'm afraid. She screamed and cried to get out every day.
So I think the best thing is to remember that what you do will make little difference to whether or not she settles/unsettles. And just do your best - as you always have done.
It is good you have friends to go with you. And it may be fine.
So I think the best thing is to remember that what you do will make little difference to whether or not she settles/unsettles. And just do your best - as you always have done.
It is good you have friends to go with you. And it may be fine.
Thank you Butter. I think I need to be realistic and not to start thinking that if mum is upset each time I visit, it is because of something I have said/done or not said/done.As you say, I can only do my best. I'm sorry to hear your mum never settled. That must have been hard for you. I appreciate you taking the time to post a reply-thank you.
