Advice needed on possible move to care home

[yoy]

My mum was a very independent lady too. She lived for a long time "independently" with dementia, but eventually she could not remember how to use the phone or TV remote, was not eating or drinking properly because she could not remember how to make herself something to eat or even a cup of tea and was going out at night dressed only in nightwear and banging on random peoples doors because she was lost. She too would not accept carers - she wouldnt allow them over the doorstep and half the time wouldnt let me in either! She fought tooth and nail against moving into a care home, begged me (with tears) not to put her into a home and tried to make me promise that I never would. I didnt make that promise as I already knew this was the only option, but it took a crisis to get her there.

Eventually mum had a TIA and ended up in hospital. She moved from there to her care home and lived there for the rest of her life. For the first 6 weeks mum was constantly "packing to go home" - by which she mean that she had pinched a black plastic bin bag and put a few random items of clothing and a few other things (one shoe, a couple of pairs of pants, the top half of her PJs, a hat and a load of tissues) in it. Eventually she settled and amazed me by making friends and joining in with activities, which I would never have believed that she would do. She positively thrived there - regular food and medication did her the world of good, the simple routine and nothing being expected of her gave her security and people always being around, day and night, reassured her. Near the end she said to me "they all love me in here" and she was right - they did.

What a lovely outcome - everyone should read this.

 

[Originally]

They should indeed as it has already given me hope on a bleak day for me.

 

[Originally]

I can really tell that you have lived this. Thanks for sharing your hard won wisdom.
One day at a time I guess and a thicker skin for me. Never was good at play acting but best hone my skills!

Put all your advice into action and it helped so much. My husband came with me and was able to deflect talk of going home while I washed her hair and glammed her up in clean clothes for a photo shoot for her grandchildren. Having a focus helped heaps. And yes, we left at dinner time. “I haven’t been asked for a penny in the restaurant and the food is lovely”
I had almost been too scared to visit for the first time but it was far better than I’d feared thanks to such brilliant advice. Thank you. a long way to go but one day at a time.

 

[canary]

Im so glad that you had a good visit @Originally
xx

 

[Originally]

We didn’t today! Mum had packed again and had waited all day for us to take her home! All the time she was pleading to leave and it breaks your heart to just have to say no and abandon her.
It makes you reticent to visit as you have to play act and be so strong. The trouble is that she still says she wants to live near me to see me often but doesn’t realise that means staying. She just wants to be back in her own home but sadly it’s not the place for her safety and happiness.

 

[canary]

We didn’t today! Mum had packed again and had waited all day for us to take her home!

Im afraid that this flip-flopping is par for the course while she is settling.
At least she has had one good day already, so you know it is possible.
Just hang in there
xx