This is my first post as a new member, my mother has vascular dementia. My mother lived with me for over a year before insisting on going into a residential home because she didn't want to be a burdern. It certainly wasn't easy but my mother was very sweet and thanked me every day for looking after her. As much as I told her that she could never be a burden in the end I realised it was playing on her mind and I found a wonderful care home nearby. My mother settled in quickly although did often forget why she was there and I could tell her again that she had requested it but that she could come back to be with me if she so wished. As the year progressed and my mother's health declined I realised that we had made the right decision because her care needs were becoming more than I could probably cope with. It saddened me that after moving her her memory worsened dramatically and I realised that I had been her memory and my constant daily reminders had masked much of her actual ability. I visited at least every 3 days and was able to alert the home of things that they may have missed which they appreciated and put right. I accepted that she would never receive the one to one care that I had given but the staff were very caring and respectful. Lockdown has been awful and my mother had a big TIA at Easter and obviously I wasn't allowed to go. Her decline was evident from the updates I received from nurses and my phone calls to her became harder as she seemed to find it so much harder to follow the conversation or communicate. I managed 3 social distanced visits which highlighted how much the separation and the TIA had impacted. On Friday she had another TIA and on Saturday i was allowed to visit her in her room sadly she can no longer swallow. I had to point out to staff that she was clearly in pain because I could see it in her face and the way she was repeatedly rubbing her side and she cried out when they moved her. When they couldn't get her to swallow liquid paracemol they thankfully made the decision for the GP to be called who agreed it was end of life and so she now has the medication needed. My time is limited because unbeknown to me I am only allowed 3 hours and they pointed this out to me and the fact that I had already used some of that time. I was able to visit for 30 minutes yesterday and this is my question my mother who hadn't been able to speak since Friday kept saying to me help me, help me, help meeeee!. This was extremely distressing, one member of staff said to me oh yes she does that, that's her thing but the other staff, nurses and manager couldn't understand it and said she had been really calmed since my last visit, they wondered if she was trying to communicate something to me. After asking her if she was in pain, or needed anything to no avail, I kept reassuring her and telling her that everything was fine, she didn't need to worry about telling me anything because I remembered everything she had every asked me to do for the future, that everyone loved her , that she was safe etc. The nurse gave her some of the relaxant and that calmed her down and they allowed me to stay until she fell asleep but it has really upset me. A friend has told me that this is common in people with dementia and they get very restless and anxious. I worry that I am missing something and letting her down in some way. I really wish I could just stay with her. Any guidance greatly received, thank you.
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