Sorry it's a bit long. Am in my 60's caring for my mother in her 90's. I suspected Dementia a couple of years ago but no one took me seriously, they all live on a fluffy happy cloud of ignorance.
It began when my very strait laced mother started swearing, none of the really bad words but all the same, that lasted for a few days and happens very occasionally now. Next came muddled mood swings and, as we have never really got on we argued a lot, still do a bit. Then the falls which we awful, my poor mum covered in cuts and bruises. After about a year battling with her not very good GP practise I was able to get her referred to a memory clinic where she was tested and diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. It was mixed emotions really. But, the lady who we spent most of the appointment with said that she was really shocked as at first my mother seemed fully aware and she thought I was neurotic but, as the appointment went on she realised there was a problem and did the test.
I do feel like screaming when people say that she was alright when they spoke to her but now I point out that they are not actually listening to what she is saying as if they were, they would realise her answers are neutral and she says things like "oh well, it's old age" or "nice of you to call". No actual conversation.
I live nearly 300 miles away, but as had to stop work to be her carer, have been staying here on and off for past year and totally since lockdown as had hoped to move her to my home, but wasn't quick enough. In the last 3 or 4 months she has gone rapidly downhill, refusing to eat or drink to the extent she ended up in hospital after losing a huge amount of weight over a matter of weeks.
There are good days and bad days, often saying that she wants to die but hopefully would not take her life. One day can be alert on and off, spends most of the day asleep or sometimes doing things, might do some sweeping or will move things from place to place, bring rubbish back into the house. Dirty washing gets hidden discovered that by the smell, now search her room daily. No interest in anything, weirdly leaves little bits of tissues all over the place, constantly asking the same questions over and over. Oh, and she holds her skirt up as if paddling.
I do think lockdown has made her worse. I am having sensors/alarms on the doors as she keeps wanting to go out with her walker but forgets where she is going. I wait all day for her to go to sleep at night as that then is my time to relax. I sleep listening for movement and wake in the morning dreading what I might find. I'm sure far too many are dealing with similar lives. I feel it is time to consider respite or permanent care but she wants to live with me or be in a home near me.
If she goes into to a home near her home, I will have to stay here but that causes another problem in that my invisible brother is already eyeing up moving here with his family, probably so that he can force things when she does pass away. Also, I need to go home as I have been away for too long and check it is ok, mum cannot make the journey so I either go for respite care or have carers and meals on wheels coming in as not safe to use a cooker.
Are bits of the above sounding familiar, I suppose that's what I need to know. I've already told my offspring to put me in a home and walk away when the time comes as I wouldn't wish the way I feel on anyone. Do I carry on as is or do I find a care home? I feel selfish even considering it as she would move heaven and earth to keep me safe. The cruelty of Dementia is heart wrenching. Apologies for the rant.
It began when my very strait laced mother started swearing, none of the really bad words but all the same, that lasted for a few days and happens very occasionally now. Next came muddled mood swings and, as we have never really got on we argued a lot, still do a bit. Then the falls which we awful, my poor mum covered in cuts and bruises. After about a year battling with her not very good GP practise I was able to get her referred to a memory clinic where she was tested and diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. It was mixed emotions really. But, the lady who we spent most of the appointment with said that she was really shocked as at first my mother seemed fully aware and she thought I was neurotic but, as the appointment went on she realised there was a problem and did the test.
I do feel like screaming when people say that she was alright when they spoke to her but now I point out that they are not actually listening to what she is saying as if they were, they would realise her answers are neutral and she says things like "oh well, it's old age" or "nice of you to call". No actual conversation.
I live nearly 300 miles away, but as had to stop work to be her carer, have been staying here on and off for past year and totally since lockdown as had hoped to move her to my home, but wasn't quick enough. In the last 3 or 4 months she has gone rapidly downhill, refusing to eat or drink to the extent she ended up in hospital after losing a huge amount of weight over a matter of weeks.
There are good days and bad days, often saying that she wants to die but hopefully would not take her life. One day can be alert on and off, spends most of the day asleep or sometimes doing things, might do some sweeping or will move things from place to place, bring rubbish back into the house. Dirty washing gets hidden discovered that by the smell, now search her room daily. No interest in anything, weirdly leaves little bits of tissues all over the place, constantly asking the same questions over and over. Oh, and she holds her skirt up as if paddling.
I do think lockdown has made her worse. I am having sensors/alarms on the doors as she keeps wanting to go out with her walker but forgets where she is going. I wait all day for her to go to sleep at night as that then is my time to relax. I sleep listening for movement and wake in the morning dreading what I might find. I'm sure far too many are dealing with similar lives. I feel it is time to consider respite or permanent care but she wants to live with me or be in a home near me.
If she goes into to a home near her home, I will have to stay here but that causes another problem in that my invisible brother is already eyeing up moving here with his family, probably so that he can force things when she does pass away. Also, I need to go home as I have been away for too long and check it is ok, mum cannot make the journey so I either go for respite care or have carers and meals on wheels coming in as not safe to use a cooker.
Are bits of the above sounding familiar, I suppose that's what I need to know. I've already told my offspring to put me in a home and walk away when the time comes as I wouldn't wish the way I feel on anyone. Do I carry on as is or do I find a care home? I feel selfish even considering it as she would move heaven and earth to keep me safe. The cruelty of Dementia is heart wrenching. Apologies for the rant.
