Advice need - dad is desperate

[CURLYSANDY]

Hello all - would really appreciate some urgent advice. My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers 6 years ago and Dad has been caring for her, although he is not in the best of health. However, over the last year she has been declining both in health and well-being, as she has become very agitated and frequently crying. Mum (82) does visit Day Centres twice a week, which gives Dad (84) a rest. However, we had a family dinner recently where Dad broke down in tears and finally admitted he couldn't cope, so we agreed that the best place for mum would be in a care home. However, over the last 4 weeks, I have been hitting my head against a brick wall with mum's social workers and all they can offer me is respite care, perhaps in time. I have kept Dad in the loop, but yesterday he just threatened to walk out and not come back.

Can anyone out there offer any advice on how I can fast track my mum into a care home or at least get the social workers to understand what is happening. I just feel that whilst my Dad is caring for my Mum and she also has a daughter looking out for her (ie me, who works full time and has 3 kids) they won't take action..... help!!

Thanking you all in advance.
Sandy

 

[Delphie]

Having had both very good and very bad dealings with social services, l think you're possibly right in what you say right at the end of your post.

Would it be possible to have dad stay with you for a little bit? If yes, you could inform the social workers that as of whatever date mum, a vulnerable adult, will be on her own so they need to step in and provide whatever level of care is necessary.

It's a drastic step to take, of course, but it might be the quickest way to a solution. You know this yourself, your dad is heading towards a breakdown, fast. It sounds like he has tried his absolute best and for quite some time too. He has no moral or legal obligation to carry on.

 

[jeany123]

Hello Sandy what a awful position to be in, the only thing I can think to do is accept the respite and when the time comes for your mum to come home tell them that your dad is unwell and will not be able to look after her any more, they will have to find a CH for her he can't be forced to look after her, it will be very difficult to do this but I can't think of a alternative,

Best wishes in whatever you and your dad decide to do,
Jeany x

 

[angecmc]

Hello Sandy what a awful position to be in, the only thing I can think to do is accept the respite and when the time comes for your mum to come home tell them that your dad is unwell and will not be able to look after her any more, they will have to find a CH for her he can't be forced to look after her, it will be very difficult to do this but I can't think of a alternative,

Best wishes in whatever you and your dad decide to do,
Jeany x

Hi This is exactly what we did as a family, your Dad will have to be prepared to say that he can no longer cope. When telling SS how bad things have got you have to really exaggerate all the bad things Mum now does, ie. she is wandering out of house and Dad no longer has the strength to stop her going, trying to eat raw food from freezer and fridge, anything your Mum now does that Dad can no longer deal with. Use the words carer breakdown, also tell them that you know that your Dad can not be forced to care for his wife, he has rights too. Also can you get Dads GP to get involved? When my Mum went in for respite, we then took opportunity to say to SS that Dad would no longer be able to cope, they tried to offer more carers, but we dug our heels in and said no it would not make any difference in fact we said it would only help if he could have carers in day and night, because the nights were the worse times for him. I even threatened to bring in my MP if they forced Dad to continue caring for my Mum, it was hard but we got there in the end, good luck xx

Ange

 

[Nebiroth]

However, over the last 4 weeks, I have been hitting my head against a brick wall with mum's social workers and all they can offer me is respite care, perhaps in time. I have kept Dad in the loop, but yesterday he just threatened to walk out and not come back.

Can anyone out there offer any advice on how I can fast track my mum into a care home or at least get the social workers to understand what is happening. I just feel that whilst my Dad is caring for my Mum and she also has a daughter looking out for her (ie me, who works full time and has 3 kids) they won't take action..... help!!

Thanking you all in advance.
Sandy

Ask your dad to tell the social workers what he said to you. In other words, he is going to walk out because he can no longer cope. In social-worker-ese, this is called "carer breakdown" (if you actuall yuse that phrase with them, it helps). This is a "red flag" because it means that a "vulnerable adult" (again, that is the official term) will be left without care. And the legal duty of care, to keep vulnerable adults safe, lies with social services. Outside of a dependent child, family members are not legally obliged to care for each other (married people once were, but even this was struck from the law many years ago)

So basically, if there is a crisis then social services have to act. You or your dad could telephone the social services emergency line, it should be listed with the other numbers for you rlocal authority, it is manned 24/7. Don't worry if your dad breaks down or cries or something. That is good! And don;t get fobbed off with offers of assistance to help him continue as carer. If he can no longer cope, then he can't. Stand your ground and say what you will and won;t do.

You are right social services operate under the assumption that family is ready and able to do everything, they will grab any suggestion of your accepting this with both hands.

Squeakiest wheels get most grease. You could also involve your dad's GP for their support, if your dad is in this state his health will suffer, he wil eventually have a breakdown and then it;s a crisis. Phone consultants, doctors, social workers, make a total nuisance of yourself.

I did and it worked, thankfuly our family GP is worth his weight in gold and was totally supportive.

I would guess that all this would at least result in some emergency respite. That will give your dad a chance to recharge his batteries, and to make decisions when he isn't suffering from nervous exhaustion. He might feel he could cope again, or might not, I would make sure you are present at any meetings to make sure he doesn;t feel pressured or guilted into taking things on that he can't or doesn;t want to do.

 

[rajahh]

My brother could not cope caring for his wife, and she went into respite, and when it was time for my sister in law to come home my brother just broke down in tears and said he could not face it.

My sister in law stayed in that care home and eventually died there.

We are all only human and we each have our personal breaking point.

It does not matter if the SS thinks your Dad could cope a bit longer I think you need to shout for him if you can.

Jeannette

 

[CURLYSANDY]

Many thanks for all your reassuring comments.

 

[gringo]

You have got excellent advice. I have nothing to add to that, except to say that your Dad is very fortunate to have you helping him out. I have been in his place and understand his position completely.
Well done you!

 

[hiedicat]

Hi there when the same thing happened to my dad I rang the social services and the local mental health team. My dad was offered mental health support and then the social worker organised emergency respite for mum in a care home. Unfortunately dad had a breakdown and was admitted to hospital and is still recovering. Mum has stayed in the care home as a permanent resident. Dementia is like a bomb exploding in your family. I wish you luck in getting the right g by help for your parents x