Advice for dear friend

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Talking Point' started by SFOX, Aug 9, 2018.

  1. SFOX

    SFOX New member

    Aug 9, 2018
    9
    I have a dear friend (not me, I promise) who has a terrible dilemma. Her husband was diagnosed with Korsakoff'so Syndrome (a form of self inflicted dementia I believe). Her problem is that she had hated him for many years and has left him and gone back too many times over the years - he has always been a cruel and violent man. However, she is now at the end of her tether and resents having to care for him. He gives her no peace, particularly at night with his constant sexual demands and she gets no restful sleep at all (she us 70, he 66). She had even spoken of suicide recently! I helped her secure one werk's respite care for him to give her a break, but I had to lend her the money for this as she is only in receipt of the basic state pension and a small attendance allowance for him! Can somebody please give her hope for the future and what she can do next. He has a Consultant Psychogeriatrician and CPN but she is having to fight for every shred of help from them and her GP.
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    10,353
    Female
    London
    She can and should walk away. She has no duty of care for him nor should she be abused like that or have to pay for his care. It's hard enough to look after someone we love but if she doesn't what on earth is she still doing there, especially if she gets no help from the authorities? If she walks away they will have to do something so maybe that way she'll force their hand and get him better support. Please tell her not to feel guilty - she has suffered enough already.
     
  3. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    7,584
    leicester
    #3 nellbelles, Aug 9, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
    Hello @SFOX welcome to TP

    Have SS been contacted either by your friend or his CPN?
    It sounds like it is time for a needs assessment for him and a carers assessment for her?
    She need to impress on everyone that she doesn’t feel safe.

    No one can be forced to care for anyone, and it sounds as if it may be time for her to consider passing his care to others.
    She has a good friend in you.
     
  4. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    If your friend has only gone back to this man because he needs care, she should know that - in this country - no-one can be forced to care for another adult, the onus of care lies firmly with the state.

    However, it is a sad fact that the State is short of money and will only step in if it absolutely has to. While your friend is there, doing what she can, then Adult Care will allow her to continue :( She needs to step back and not be there in order to get the State to step up and fulfill its responsibilities.
     
  5. SFOX

    SFOX New member

    Aug 9, 2018
    9
     
  6. SFOX

    SFOX New member

    Aug 9, 2018
    9
    Thank you so much for your advice. To be honest she doesn't feel safe and I shall show her your comments. Thank you again.
     
  7. SFOX

    SFOX New member

    Aug 9, 2018
    9
     
  8. SFOX

    SFOX New member

    Aug 9, 2018
    9
    Thank you.
     
  9. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,197
    Yes, please do heavily emphasise this not feeling safe. It is one of the strongest reasons for her absolutely NOT to stay. Kindred.xx
     
  10. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    3,240
    Kent
    I agree with others your friend has the right and expectation to not live in fear in any circumstance. Time for other care arrangements however and whatever SS put in place.
     
  11. SFOX

    SFOX New member

    Aug 9, 2018
    9
     
  12. SFOX

    SFOX New member

    Aug 9, 2018
    9
    Thank you.
     
  13. SFOX

    SFOX New member

    Aug 9, 2018
    9
    Thank you.
     
  14. SFOX

    SFOX New member

    Aug 9, 2018
    9
    Thank you.
     
  15. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    2,326
    Male
    N Ireland
  16. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    6,325
    Yorkshire
    hello @SFOX
    a warm welcome to TP
    it's brilliant that you are looking out for your friend - what an awful situation for her
    your friend needs to contact her Local Authority Adult Services and request an urgent/immediate assessment of her husband's care needs, in fact ask for a 'best interests meeting' as she herself is a 'vulnerable adult' being put 'at risk of harm', in fact in danger, because of her husband's aggression and violence who is a 'vulnerable adult' himself due to his dementia and is himself 'at risk of harm' and possibly self harm due to his dementia and his behaviour - tell her to say that she knows the LA have 'the duty of care' for her husband and she cannot continue to care for him as she is experiencing 'carer breakdown' (mention the thoughts of suicide), nor can she be coerced into caring for him - that due to the violence and abuse, physical and sexual and psychological, this is 'a safe-guarding issue' and the LA need to step in to provide 24 hour residential care
    contact the LA by phone and get a name and address AND e-mail as follow up with details of everything said to create a paper trail she can refer back to - send copies to the GP, CPN, consultant ie anyone who is remotely involved
    can you help her with this?
    if her husband is currently in respite, maybe suggest she refuse to have him back - change the locks?
    some of the domestic abuse charities may well be able to help her
    http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
    no-one but her husband should be paying for his care, and if he has no assets and low income the LA contribute to his care - the LA should carry out a financial assessment on his finances only, and if they own the house, it is disregarded as long as one of them lives there, so she will not be required to sell it to pay for his care
    if your friend does leave the house, suggest she says it is to visit a friend, have a holiday ie something temporary, as the spouse of someone who is moved into a care home has the right to remain in the marital home and I worry about her making herself homeless and ineligible for support, though as her reason for walking out is her safety I would hope that is taken into account - I am not suggesting in any way that she stay and continue to be at risk, just to 'cover her back'
    the AS has a helpline and they may be able to offer useful suggestions, do call them
    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline
     

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