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Advice, Dad at end of life

Cowboys

New member
Jun 11, 2019
2
0
Hello,
I am looking for advice as I have a difficult decision to make....
My dad has advanced mixed dementia, Alzheimer’s and Vascular dementia. He’s been in the hospital almost a month as he had a fall and was diagnosed with heart failure and some renal issues. Since being in the hospital, he has tested positive for Covid, developed delirium, and stopped eating and drinking. This has all been so hard as we haven’t been able to see him.
Last Tuesday, the doctor told my mum and I that he only had weeks left and was on a fast track chc discharge to a nursing home.
My problem is that I live in the US. I’m supposed to leave the the UK on Wednesday. But I don’t want to leave and my mum have to face all this by herself. I’m also worried that I wouldn’t be able to get back to the UK fast enough if my dad deteriorated quickly. A nurse told me that she would prolong her stay if she was me. But any advice would be very much appreciated.
Thank you!
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,618
0
Yorkshire
Hi @Cowboys
A warm welcome to DTP
a difficult time for you all

If you are able to stay here indefinitely without jeopardising your job or legal right to be here, personally I would say go with your heart whatever it tells you

However, I appreciate it may not be that simple for you, so have an honest talk with your mum... and know that, should you have to return to the US your parents understand and know you will always stand by them
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
908
0
You realise the question you are really asking is ‘ how long is a piece of string’ ?
No criticism, I have asked it before myself, and for you and for me and the many in the future as always there is no definitive answer.

It has been reported by people on this site that someone on end of life wakes up the next day and says ‘I’m hungry‘, one person gained an extra two years this way, but sadly if forced to guess on your behalf I would be more likely to say two weeks Is more likely than two years?
If things continue as you have described.

I would postpone your return home if possible. What you could do in the meantime is to use the time wisely? Google ‘ what do you need to do when someone dies’ gather all the documents. Find out the location of your local registry and see what is happening about producing the documents at present. Also how many can attend the funeral and what is the time delay. Do you need to think about details for the service now? Do you need to obtain copies of any documents?

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. Don’t forget you can post on any subject big or small on this forum. It seems that many members have suffered your heartbreak recently, so someone should be up to date with any knowledge that
will make your life easier.
 

Up the Creek

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
77
0
East Anglia
@Cowboys, I am so sorry to read about your dilemma.
My sibling was visiting from Australia and contemplated staying here in the UK to be with our father. He had been end of life for a few weeks at this point. They then decided to return home believing that they could always come back if our father deteriorated. Two days after they left the UK, one day after arriving home he passed away In the early hours of the morning. I nor my mum were beside him in the last three or four hours, it’s as if he waited until we had left. I have read many times that a LO has seemed to wait until their family has left the room before becoming free of their dementia.

What I am trying to say is that however long you decide to stay, your father might hang on that little bit longer until you aren’t here. Maybe use the time that you can stay here be it until Wednesday or if you can extend your stay for another week, to ensure your mum has the support she needs to cover your absence. We were fortunate that the carers in my dad’s nursing home treated all their residents as if they were their own family and he wasn’t alone at the end. You are faced with the added inconvenience of your dad being discharged to somewhere unknown and possibly two weeks in isolation due to COVID.

My thoughts are with you and your mum
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,431
0
Dorset
With COVID numbers increasing rapidly will you have to worry that you might not be allowed back into US if you stay here any longer? How would that impinge on your life, affect a job etc? How much longer can you stay, would it be open ended? It could well be a month before a funeral can be arranged.
Equally, if you return to the States will you be allowed back into this country when you want?
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,221
0
Victoria, Australia
With COVID numbers increasing rapidly will you have to worry that you might not be allowed back into US if you stay here any longer? How would that impinge on your life, affect a job etc? How much longer can you stay, would it be open ended? It could well be a month before a funeral can be arranged.
Equally, if you return to the States will you be allowed back into this country when you want?
And that seems to be the issue here, that the way things are with the pandemic, that Cowboys may not be able to come and go easily.

What needs to be considered is how you will feel if you are not there for your mum at her time of need. You have to certain that you can accept that if you return to US, then it may be the last time you see your dad, without suffering huge amounts of guilt about it.

This is such a tough call for you and unless there is a pressing reason why you must go back, I would be inclined to stay. Are you a dual citizen? That would be helpful if you don't have to worry about visas.